Today I went to my grandmother's house to visit with her. This is the first time I have seen her since I broke my silence on February 4, 2012.
I was so happy to see her but at the same time very nervous that my mother might show up at any minute. I am not sure what I was so nervous about. There isn't anything she could do to me now. She is sick and dying and I am a STRONG WOMAN! However, the fear from Julie, a child alter, was still there. I spent about 2 hours with my grandmother. She told me how happy she was to see me. She also told me that I look much happier than the last time she saw me. That made me feel good. At least I know that by me telling I am happier on the outside as well as the inside.
We sat hand in hand while we ate lunch. While I was driving she reached over and grabbed my hand to hold. It was very sweet. It let me know how much I was loved and how it feels to have someone that really, truly cares about you.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
Abusers win by keeping us silent. They gain their power when we are quiet. We can gain that power by speaking out against the abuser and telling what happened to us. If we don't speak out against them, we are never free. No matter our age, how long it has been since the abuse happened, or even if the abusers are no longer living, we must speak out!!
We must be Silenced No Longer!
By speaking the truth I gain power against my abusers. Here is an overview of my story...
As a child I grew up in a single parent home. We, my mother and I, lived in the "bad" part of town. We were in church every time the doors were open. My mother didn't have a job until I was 5. Even then she only made minimum wage, so there was never any money. What was a mother to do? Well, she had an idea. If I prostitute out my daughter, I can get cash, drugs, liquor, and places to stay. So starting with high ranking people in church, she began to allow men to have sex with me. She would send me to neighbor's houses at 9 or 10 at night to let the men do what they wished with me. Laying on me, raping me, having oral sex, kissing me, telling me how good it feels, deep breathing in my ear, licking my neck....
When she found boyfriends, she allowed them to abuse me as well. This ensured us a place to stay. She would say that "We have no place to go. I can't afford to move. We have to stay here. This is life." She did take me to see a therapist as a child because the police got involved. However, she told me to lie to the police and tell them that nothing happened. She also told me not to tell the therapist anything that was happening or I would die. The police got involved three times that I know of and each time it was written off as a child that is lying. The sexual, physical, and emotional abuse continued until I was 17.
I, the host, am still working on being strong enough to have all of the horrific memories of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. What I have just described in brief, are memories that have been expressed to me through alters in therapy.
I finally told someone....On February 4, 2012 I brought my grandma and my uncle to therapy and sat them down and told them what my mother did to me as a child. They both broke down and cried. They told me how STRONG I was for finally telling and how PROUD of me they are that I broke the silence. I am so glad I did it. It makes me feel STRONG and COURAGEOUS.