Monday, September 3, 2012
The next day the phone rings and a name from the past pops up. It is my mom's best friend. I immediately get mad. This is harassment. They are calling and disturbing my life. I let the call go to voice mail and listen to the message. She states she has not talked to my mom in a long time and just wants to make sure she has my mom's correct number. So I decide to call her back.
She answers the phone and I ask her what she wants. She states she wants to make sure the number she has for my mom is the correct number. So, I ask what number she has. "Uh, um, uh...", she stumbles over her words. "I don't know. I'll have to call you back to give you the number I have." "No", I say. "Here it is..."
She begins to want to chit-chat with me, digging for information, and I am very short with her. She asks if I am mad at her and I ask "Do I have a reason to be?"
I ask her about my mom walking in on me being raped and not doing anything about it. I ask her if it is normal to not turn in a child rapist. She states that my mom did turn in the child rapist and that the police were involved and I saw a psychologist. I told her that the police report says parent states child is lying and parent is uncooperative. She says that some police men are lazy and just don't want to do their job. She said my mom loved me and did everything she could do this one time.
I asked her about the church cover up. She states that if my mom was part of the cover up with the church she, my mom's friend, was unaware. My mom's friend states "So, you are telling me it happened more than once with this man and with other men," I say, "Yes, that is what I am telling you." She said, "Oh..."
I asked her about my mom's last boyfriend and the physical and sexual abuse that I was exposed to by him while my mom watched. She said, "Oh I had no idea. I would have came and got you and protected you. I am so sorry." "It's too late for sorry," I say.
She said, "But at that time you were running away from home and sneaking out at night."
"Oh....so that's a reason to be beaten naked with a two by four, cords, belts, or whatever is around??. I didn't realize that." I say.
She tells me that I should forgive my mom. She says that her father abused her and her mother knew and she gave it to God and has forgiven her mother and father.
I tell her that I have given up everything to God and I am being blessed and the happiest I have ever been. But I do not have to forgive or forget what my mom did to me. I told her that my mother suffers EVERYDAY and is in pain EVERYDAY just like I suffered EVERYDAY during my childhood.
She states, "You don't want to do that. You don't want to push her out of your life. When she dies you will miss her."
I said "FUCK HER! She isn't worth my time or my breath. She sold me out. She knew about all the abuse and did nothing. She sold me. Fuck her!"
I tell her, "Next time you talk to my mom and you tell her everything I said, tell her I will spit on her grave the way she spits on her daddy's grave. Fuck her! She is suffering and I am living!"
I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore and I hung up.
I feel so good. I feel so strong!!!
I am so proud of myself for standing up for us and talking to her.
It was important for me. Even though I didn't talk to my mom, it felt like I was talking to her.
I felt empowered. I still feel great!
I opened up and spoke up.
I spoke up for the alters and for myself.
(MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS)
That night Jillian showed me what happened the day Vickie, our mother, walked in on Jillian being raped by that man.
Jillian was laying down and was being raped with an object. She isn't sure what the object was but it hurt her and felt pointy. She can see it being pulled out of her while she is crying and laying there. It looks like a triangle. She begins to bleed from her vagina. The blood is bright red. The man turns his attention to someone behind him. Jillian turns her head in the same direction and sees Vickie. The man and Vickie speak but Jillian can't make out what they are saying. Jillian looks back down at her vagina and she is still bleeding. Vickie comes over and places paper towels between Jillian's legs, pulls her dress down, and carries Jillian out.
At home, two doors down, Vickie continues to doctor Jillian. She is on the phone with people. That is the only thing Jillian shows me.