Tonight.....

As I sit here tonight I cry.
Tears streaming down my face.
I have no "feeling".
Inside I "feel" nothing.
The tears are the only thing that show I have "feeling".

I am able to talk to others as though I am fine.
I am able to smile and laugh. (Although, there is no happy "feeling" inside.)
I am able to look at you in your face and you not see anything.
I am able to act "as if..." (as if, there was NEVER any pain in my life)

No one really wants to hear you. 

No one really wants to know your story.

No one really wants to hear about your sadness.

No one really wants to hear about your anger. 

No one really cares.

"You are a control freak.

You are crazy.

You are like your mother.

You need help.

You don't listen.

You don't try.

You don't want to change.

You haven't learned. 

You won't learn.

You won't listen.

You don't want this."                                                                                                      

All these negative comments being thrown at me.
How can I stay positive 100% of the time?
If I don't stay positive, then I am broken.

So, I guess I am broken.
I guess I will never rise above broken.
I am an adult that needs help.
Perhaps, it's too much help.
Perhaps, I'm not able to be helped.
Perhaps, I am too broken.

"You couldn't control your mother and
now you want to control every else.
This isn't possible.
You can't control people.
People aren't pawns in your game.
This is why you NEED therapy"
(All I hear is negative comments....)

WHERE THE HELL IS MY POSITIVE?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

I could very easily let this become overwhelming.
Oh, how easy it would be to slip inside.
But I will fight it.
I will carry on. 

Jaz

*AMENDMENT* (8-27-13)

Although I used the words "no one", this is untrue.  The words "no one" are lies.  These lies are from my past.  They are still lies that I hear.  

People care: 
~Doc believes in me and gives me time, energy, encouragement, and confidence.
~My children are my big supporters.  They believe in me and love me!
~K. F. gives me encouragement and believes in me.
~M. H. encouraged me.
~Aunt K. is on my side and wants to "kick ass". 

Diary Entry

Switching is eminent.  It is in the near future.  I feel so sad, so scared.  I just want to cry and scream and run and stay and fight and yell.  What do I do?  How do I handle this?

I just want to be alone.  I don't want anyone around. Tears streaming down my face as I sit. I can't do this but I have to.

Everyone is fighting against me.  Everyone wants me to fail.  Everyone wants me to fall down on my face.


Elizabeth-"Just take the whole bottle of sleeping pills.  You won't have live like this anymore.  A gun would work fine as well.  Just end it now" (I can see the bullet going through my head, into my brain, and lodging in my skull.)

Jason-"Just have a drink. Drown everything away and out. Have fun and enjoy it.  Get rid of your problems."

Elizabeth-"But they will be there in the morning.  My way is the best.  Problems are gone forever and ever.  No more suffering."

All I can do is imagine my children with no mother and no real understanding or explanation of why.  Why their mother left them? Why their mother didn't love them?  Why their mother was so screwed up?

I will mess them up and they will have fucked up childhoods and need therapy.  It will be the legacy continued.  The abusers win this way.  But what am I to do?

It's so hard to fight. To fight ALONE! I have no one to talk to. No one that can relate. No one that can help.  Therapy is few and far between.  (Not that she doesn't try, because she works hard for me, day and night--everyday) But ultimately, I'm alone.  I have no one to talk to.  Just to tell my feelings to. Just to explain my thoughts. Just to take my mind off of things for a bit. 

(Elizabeth interjects now, "Just die.")

Is that it? Is that my only option out of this mess I'm in? To leave this world?

I feel things are moving slow right now. In slow motion. I took 3 sleeping pills hoping the effects would set in FAST and LAST! 

(Elizabeth interjects now, "There are more in the bottle.  Just finish them off.  They won't hurt you. Just do it.")

What do I do?
How do I react?
How do I respond?

A Hospital Visit

 Switching and Depression have been occurring a lot lately.  I could not figure out why. 

• Why is an alter so depressed?
• What is your trigger?
• Why do you want out now?
• Why must you hurt yourself when you come out?

None of these questions were being answered.  The alter, Jillian, just wanted out and wanted to cut to relieve tension, anxiety, fear, and pain. She is bombarding me.  Not switching the way we all switch.  We all go into the foyer, and the person that is out leaves and switches with the person in the foyer.  However, Jillian is running through the foyer and pushing me out of the way.  Bombarding me with switching.  Then she will block off the door so I can't switch back.  This is tiresome and hurtful to the system.

Thursday I was fighting with her all day and she won.  She came out and cut our arms again.  Retracing the words HELP and HATE, along with just slicing at the arm to make cuts.  I had to make a decision.  She had to realize that her actions have consequences.  I made a decision to admit myself into the hospital. 

I went to the hospital and told them about her and the cutting. I told them that if I went home, the cutting would continue.  So, I stayed in the hospital.  It was DEVASTATING to the system. 

There was only a bed in the room.  There was no phone, no visitors allowed, no restroom, nothing.  Only four walls and a bed.  My only options were which wall I was going to face. 

I went almost 48 hours with no medicine.  They wouldn't give me anything in my purse.  About half way through the stay, they told me I had to switch gowns from a cloth gown to a paper gown.  This paper gown made me feel naked.  There were only men in the ward watching each room.  Julie, a child alter, came out and began to think she was going to get raped.  I had a panic attack on the bed in the room.  They refused to give me anything to help me or her.


They continuously asked me if I was hearing voices.  The doctor did not believe in Dissociative Identity Disorder, DID.  He told me that I didn't need medicine because they had too many side effects and then he would have to prescribe medicine for the side effects.  He told me that my panic attacks and feelings were normal and I could just work through them. 

I told him that I wanted to go home.  Jillian was no longer a danger to us.  That Jillian would not cut herself any more.  She has seen her actions have consequences and is more willing to get help and not act out in such a negative way. 

While I was in the psych ward, I talked a lot with Jillian.  I told her I was sorry for talking down to her.  I told her that I was sorry for being ugly to her and not respecting her feelings.  We had a long discussion and I think we will work better together now.  I think we have gotten to know one another. 

Today, I was in the gas station and sitting all alone on a shelf was a pack of 100 single razor blades.  The box was open and there was one on top of the box.  Jillian said, "Just grab one.  We can put it in our pocket."  I reminded her of the hospital and the consequences she will have to deal with if she cuts again.  She decided that she didn't want to go there again.  And she agreed with me that the razor blades were a bad idea. That is a positive step.  :-)

I am hoping and praying that we will be able to work together now and not having anymore cutting incidents.  She has seen the hospital and doesn't want to go back.  (Neither do I but I will if that is the only way we can be safe.)  I promise her that I will continue to talk nicely to her and respect her feelings, as long as she respects the system and does no more cutting.  She has signed a no self harm agreement today. 

Hoping and Praying this works!!

Jaz

Depression

Why must I feel this way?
I am in pain inside.
I can't seem to break free.

There are so many insiders trying to pull me down.
They are fooling those on the outside.

I can't think.
I can't remember what happened yesterday.

Someone is taking over for me today.
Allowing me to go through the motions and pretend to be ok.

I am yelling on the inside to let me out.
I just want to be mad.

They aren't listening.
The door has been blocked and I can't get out.

I want to be set free.
I want out.

I think I could handle it if they would let me out.
Are they protecting me from feelings now?

They can't protect me by cutting.
That just injures the body and system more.

I allowed this to happen.
I listened to an alter that said she could take my pain away.

She came out and took a sharp object to the body.
Why am I back sliding?

I don't need protection.
I can handle my own.

Just let me out.
Just let me be free.