Thinking

Just as the abuse in the home, that was condoned and forced, was never spoken of. It was just a known fact and sat in the room like a big purple elephant. 

So is the reason I was forced to watch certain TV shows. Forced to watch wildlife shows about killer animals, as I cried, she laughed. Forced to watch real life murder crime shows. Forced to watch shows on rapes. Forced to listen to this continuously, "I know many ways to plan a murder", as she described ways that she would murder "a person" and how she would get away with it. 

It was a way to exert power and fear without actually stating it. She was forcing fear on a her child to stay silent. Keeping her child closer to her, so the child won't stray.

That child is gone now. An adult has taken her place. 

Jaz

Anger

I've been dealing with feelings (or almost no feelings) all week. 

Anger being one. 

"Depression is anger turned inward." Doc tells me. 

Trying to express my anger in the correct place. 

So, I'm fighting turning my anger inward. I'm trying to turn it outward and place it on the person(s) that deserves it. 

That's hard because I am mad at myself, the system. 

I am mad that I never stood up for myself. I never told anyone. I never ran away from it. I believed lies. I allowed my own abuse to happen. I never fought back. Or if I did, it wasn't hard enough. I didn't try to save myself. Why not? 

Why didn't I work harder? Why didn't I fight harder? Why didn't I stand up more? Why didn't I say "no, I will not lie!"? Why didn't I call the police? What stopped me? Why was there so much fear? Why didn't I save myself???

All that anger I feel towards me shouldn't be there. That anger should be sadness and tenderness for myself and my system. I do feel heartache and sadness for the others in the system but not for ME! I am the one that suppose to be the savior. That was my job and I let the system down. And for that reason, I am angry. 

Don't misunderstand. I am angry at the abusers! I am angry for everything that was done. I am angry for the fear and disfunction that was created.

 However, I don't think I can fully express/feel THAT anger until I resolve issues with myself. Until I can forgive myself and say and BELIEVE it wasn't my fault and I couldn't have saved myself. That I was a child and the adult(s) that were suppose to protect me didn't. 

I just keep telling myself "I did what I had to, to survive and stay alive."

But when will I BELIEVE myself?

When will I stop beating myself up? 

Jaz

Beginning...Middle...End

Where do I begin?  

At the beginning,

in the middle, 

at the end?  

• Do I just blurt it out?  
• Do I make it a story?  
• Do I simply state facts? 
• Do I need to add detail?  
• Do I even know what I want to say???

So, here goes.....
 Lately, I don't know what has been happening to me.  I feel great, ecstatic, elated and then BOOM I'm out of it.  I'm not myself.  I'm like a puppet on a string.  I can't control myself, my thoughts are random (and aren't mine), and my feelings are off.  When I come back (my strings are cut), I am so confused as to what happened and why I was doing things and saying things that made no sense.

Do you know what I mean?  Does that make any sense?

Think of Pinocchio.....remember when he got caught by the puppeteer?  The puppeteer wanted him because he was a REAL, LIVE wooden puppet without strings.  But when Pinocchio got on stage the puppeteer started off with Pinocchio on strings and then cut them off to show he could perform without strings...he was a special puppet.  This is the way I feel.....

I am Pinocchio.  I am REAL. I am ALIVE.  I have NO STRINGS.  All is well....
But then something happens, the puppeteer steps in and I feel like I have strings.  I am not in control of my thoughts.  And, just like Pinocchio, I am AWARE that I am NOT in control but I can't stop it. 
Then the puppeteer cuts the strings and I feel better, like myself, but I feel confused...

• Where did the strings come from?
• Why were the strings there?
• Who is the puppeteer?
• What does the puppeteer want?
• Why is this happening?
• Where those thoughts REALLY my thoughts or thoughts of someone else?

 This has been happening for at least a month.  It is aggravating and it is frustrating for me!  I can't understand it.  I want my questions answered but I can't find the answers anywhere. 

Today, I was beginning to thinking it may have been Liz.  "I" (using quotations because it's possible it's the puppeteer) have been thinking a lot about my name constantly. "I" find myself drawn to the name Liz (the name of an alter).  When someone named Liz texted me, I looked at the phone and "my" immediate thought was, "Why am I texting myself?".  (Not a normal thought.)

I am just so confused, frustrated, mad, feeling used, angry, lost, mixed up, all those things plus more rolled into one.

I don't know if ANY of this makes sense to anyone reading this.  However, if it does, please help me figure this out....

Jaz


Special Note to 'you':  "As frustrated, as mad, and feeling used as you feel.....I feel it 100X more!!"

Tonight.....

As I sit here tonight I cry.
Tears streaming down my face.
I have no "feeling".
Inside I "feel" nothing.
The tears are the only thing that show I have "feeling".

I am able to talk to others as though I am fine.
I am able to smile and laugh. (Although, there is no happy "feeling" inside.)
I am able to look at you in your face and you not see anything.
I am able to act "as if..." (as if, there was NEVER any pain in my life)

No one really wants to hear you. 

No one really wants to know your story.

No one really wants to hear about your sadness.

No one really wants to hear about your anger. 

No one really cares.

"You are a control freak.

You are crazy.

You are like your mother.

You need help.

You don't listen.

You don't try.

You don't want to change.

You haven't learned. 

You won't learn.

You won't listen.

You don't want this."                                                                                                      

All these negative comments being thrown at me.
How can I stay positive 100% of the time?
If I don't stay positive, then I am broken.

So, I guess I am broken.
I guess I will never rise above broken.
I am an adult that needs help.
Perhaps, it's too much help.
Perhaps, I'm not able to be helped.
Perhaps, I am too broken.

"You couldn't control your mother and
now you want to control every else.
This isn't possible.
You can't control people.
People aren't pawns in your game.
This is why you NEED therapy"
(All I hear is negative comments....)

WHERE THE HELL IS MY POSITIVE?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

I could very easily let this become overwhelming.
Oh, how easy it would be to slip inside.
But I will fight it.
I will carry on. 

Jaz

*AMENDMENT* (8-27-13)

Although I used the words "no one", this is untrue.  The words "no one" are lies.  These lies are from my past.  They are still lies that I hear.  

People care: 
~Doc believes in me and gives me time, energy, encouragement, and confidence.
~My children are my big supporters.  They believe in me and love me!
~K. F. gives me encouragement and believes in me.
~M. H. encouraged me.
~Aunt K. is on my side and wants to "kick ass". 

FEELINGS vs THINKING

So yesterdayI had a therapy appointment, 2nd one since beginning of July. (Not by choice, due to schedule issues. Doc is wonderful. Talking through text and even took a Saturday to see me. Love that lady!)

My therapy appointment went well. I felt so good when I left. I felt like I had accomplished things and began to understand ways to help myself heal. 

THOUGHTS I took away from this great session......

When a "normal" person has a memory or thinks about something in the past, the person is aware that it is a memory and it happened in the past. They may feel happy thinking about a good memory like traveling, or sad if thinking of a loved one that has passed.  However, they are aware that it is a memory and they don't "feel" like they are back in the country they visited, nor do they "feel" like they are standing by the coffin and reliving the death of a loved one. 

When a person with PTSD has a memory, they begin to "RELIVE" the memory.  The person "feels" as if they are in the same situation at that particular time in the past.  They are not "conscious" of their physical surroundings. They see their surroundings as they saw them so many years ago. There is a disconnect (blurring) between what is past and what is present.  

I have alters that are living in fear in the past. When they want to "come out" or there is a "trigger" for my brain, these alters begin to get scared.  They believe we are in the past and in present danger.  Feelings of fear, sadness, suicide, terror, etc begin to overload my brain and body and "switching" occurs-because the FEELINGS of the past over take any knowledge/THINKING of what I KNOW is presently happening. 

How this works: (example)

I am walking along a side walk and I feel a SUDDEN urge of sadness. 
I am confused.  
I think to myself, "Why am I sad? Did something happen?" 

I "look around inside the house" and I see Julie. (Internal house-how my System is divided-described in previous post).

She is sad. She begins to flood me with FEELINGS of sadness from the past. She begins to show or talk to me about the past, as though it was the present. 

I am flooded with FEELINGS and I am unable to THINK logically.  

This flood takes over my brain, the past is brought forward, I am "inside" and Julie is "outside". 

She is confused and scared. 

From the inside I try THINKING-using logic-to help her. 

I try to overwhelm the brain with THOUGHTS, the same way she overwhelmed the brain with FEELINGS. 

I talk with her. I tell her I should be out. I tell her I can protect her. I tell her she is ok and we are safe. 

Eventually, I am able to switch back with her. (May take minutes or hours) 

THINKING is in charge again.

I am left confused, because I don't know why it happened, and I am left upset, because it happened.

Therapy Revelation.......

This is a matter of
FEELINGS vs THINKING.
   

To an outsider, and sometimes to me, it seems as though "we" are separate entities.  However, "we" are ONE! We have one brain and one body.  So when an alter begins to have a flashback, or believes they are in the past, it is still my brain and body; the FEELINGS of the alter (which are really MY FEELINGS given to the alter during the trauma) have overpowered the THINKING of the brain.  

As the host of a "family" of alters, it is my job to protect, listen to, acknowledge, empathize, communicate with, maintain relationships with, empower, heal, love, comfort, and learn from "The System".  While doing all of these things, I must also maintain "MYSELF"! (Me: being part of a system but the one that must remain in charge of daily functioning.)

To accomplish all these tasks, I must stay in the present and not become overwhelmed with FEELINGS. I must use thinking, logic, and reason to stay "out" and keep "The System"  in order. 

My THINKING must be constant in times when FEELINGS want to overwhelm "The System":

~I must constantly THINK of where I am and what my surroundings are.  This will help enable my brain to see the present. 

~When I begin to have FEELINGS, I must not THINK of the FEELINGS.  Instead I must THINK and repeat over and over, "This is a memory. It is not happening. I am in the present." 

~When I THINK of the present, I can use tactile things in the environment to help with this logical THINKING. 

~THINKING MUST come first. 

~FEELINGS should never lead. 

"Easier said than done", is my first THOUGHT!

"In order to change and be productive, these actions must occur", is my second THOUGHT.

"No one said change is easy, but living in the past is counterproductive and will NOT work", was my third and final THOUGHT.

New way of taking care of "The System", ruling by THOUGHTS and logic. NOT FEELINGS!! Acknowledging their FEELINGS but not letting them rule!!

So, here goes nothing....jumping in with faith knowing The Lord will guide me and YOU will be at the shore encouraging me the WHOLE time. "Come on", YOU say.  "It's better on this side. I PROMISE you that!!"

Jaz





*Note: As I write this blog entry, I find a direct quote from Doc on this issue of FEELINGS vs THINKING.  Her timing could not have been more perfect!

Quoting.....
"View your mind as a container. The contents of the container determine how we function. We have the ability to filter what we allow in and what we keep out of our containers. I make it a practice of purposefully doing this. It's a necessity. There's lots of badness and negativity that I choose to ignore. Sometimes I just want to be silly and only entertain such things. There are other times that I allow myself to grieve, look at photos and cry me a river. Use your own strategies. Make your own choices. However, I do encourage great care in what you allow in to your thought process. It can make a great deal of difference in the happiness of your lives. The main thing is for the THINKER and not FEELER to remain in control. For any of you that know about 'THE CIRCLES' (TA Theory), it's the ADULT part of ourselves and not the INNER CHILD part of ourselves, remaining in control." -Doc

Feelings Brought Up

As you may or may not know, my mother sold me to men for various types of "compensation" beginning as a young child and ending when I left home. 

Today I learned of a man in my home town that was caught attempting to buy a child with any type of disability for sex. What type of person would do such a thing?....a sociopath. Someone without feelings towards others. Someone without sympathy or empathy. No way for them to relate to anyone. 

These people are amongst us daily. They are our neighbors, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, or family members. You must protect yourself and your family from these people. 

In news, the man was looking for a "single mother". People like him know that single mothers with young children are more likely to be victimized. That doesn't mean that other children aren't victimized. Nor does it mean that single mothers don't protect their children. It simply means there is a higher chance of victimization of children to single mothers. (I am a single mother with young children. Knowing this fact, I even more vigilant with my daughters.)

This news story reports that due to Shaniya's Law, they were able to arrest and charge this man with a crime. 

Shaniya Davis was a 5 year old child that died a few years ago. Her mother sold her to a man for drugs. The man took her to a hotel in a nearby city, raped and murdered her. Then he dumped her body on the side of the road like an animal. 

Although her murder was senseless, it was not in vain. It has stopped at least one child that would have been abused by this man! 

Shaniya Davis is always in my thoughts. I knew that could have been me. I survived for a reason. I survived to speak up and speak out for victims that couldn't or can't speak for themselves. 

How can we stop child abuse, child prostitution, and human trafficking? 

SPEAK UP!

SPEAK OUT!

DON'T STAY SILENT!

If you know of any abuse, don't let it go unreported. YOU may be a child's only voice! Their only way out of the hell they are living! 

No one spoke up for me. Everyone swept it under a rug. No one reported anything. Don't allow it to happen to someone else!

Be a child's voice!

Be a child's advocate!

Don't let another child be abused because YOU are scared or YOU don't want to get involved!

Imagine the child's fear he/she lives with EVERYDAY!

You may be a child's only hope!

Jaz

http://abclocal.go.com/wtvd/story?section=news/local&id=9178688

Integration

Where to start?

I am not sure about integration. I am not sure how it works, what you are suppose to feel, what you are suppose to go through, or anything about it. But I think it's happening between myself and Stephanie (the girls' mom). 

I've noticed within the past month or so when the girls go to their dad's for the weekend, I am at a loss without them. I miss them terribly and constantly wonder about them. At night I sleep with something that reminds me of them, so I feel that they are close to me. 

The bond between us is getting stronger. 

This past weekend I couldn't wait to pick them up and see them. I just wanted to hug them and tell them how much I missed them and love them. I didn't want to be without them, and I knew I would be leaving early Monday morning, so I had them sleep with me-just to be close to them. 

I just can't get enough of them! 

I have never liked children nor cared to be around children. I would run the opposite way when children were around. I didn't like being in their presence. So this change in behavior is DRASTIC! 

With my first daughter I had a C-section. I was never able to see the scar until around a month ago. I am beginning to recall certain things of their births and infancy. The "memories" are faint and few but they are coming slowly. I am so happy to receive the "memories". 

I'm not sure what all this means or how to take everything. I'm not even sure this means integration.  

(I won't see Doc, my therapist, for another 30 days!!)

Any thoughts, similar situations, advice, etc is greatly needed/appreciated. 

Thanks, 

Jaz

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Why did you hurt me? 

Why did you laugh when I cried?

Did you enjoy seeing your daughter in pain?

Why did you tell me it was better if I wasn't around?

Did you despise me that much?

Would you have preferred that I was never born?

Why did you not spend time with me?

Why did you leave me alone?

Why did you not protect me?

Why did you sell me for your greed?

For all of these things I am angry. 

I am angry you hurt me. 

I am angry you preferred that I wasn't around. 

I am angry you didn't spend time with me. 

I am angry that you did not protect me. 

I am angry that you laughed when I cried. 

I am angry you made me watch things I did not like. 

I am angry you didn't love me. 

I am angry I didn't have a happy childhood. 

I am angry you liked seeing me in pain. 

I am angry you hated me. 

I am angry you took advantage of me. 

I am angry you brainwashed me. 

I am angry you sold me. 

I am angry that I had to become a multiple. 

I am angry that you made me use drugs. 

I am angry that you made me use alcohol. 

I am angry you put me in danger. 

I am angry you didn't take care of me. 

I am angry you left me alone. 

I am angry the people at the bar could recognize my voice.

I am angry you were inconsiderate of me and my life.

I am angry because you were greedy. 

I am angry that I feel rage towards you. 

I am angry at YOU!

Diary Entry Response

Dear Me,


This past weekend was rough.  I am glad that you were able to find an outlet and journal online.  It was very helpful.  It helps me see my thinking when I'm not thinking clearly.  When my brain feels "cloudy" and I can't think or focus on anything. 
My feelings/thoughts this weekend:

• cloudy mind
• suicidal ideation
• Satan chasing me
• I was running from death
• if I was to focus on anything besides staying alive, I would fall or stumble
• If I fell or stumbled, I would have "lost time" and may have died
• there was nothing I could do
• Staying a step ahead of death was my only option
• I had no medication
• I could find no LOGICAL reason for crying, being upset, suicide
• I could not focus on positive (not because I didn't see any, because if I did I would take my thoughts off of staying ahead of death, and then I would fall)
• my girls kept me alive
• not wanting to continue the legacy of abuse kept me alive
• not wanting to let the abusers win kept me alive

I was able to keep my head above water.  I was able to maintain some sense of being and living.  This is something positive for me to look at.  Every day that I am here is another victory! Another day that the abusers didn't win. Another day that I am alive and here for my children!

You and Me

I was helped this weekend by a CARING and LOVING soul,while they marched the last part of their 5K unsure they would finish.  The 5K was a special event for this person.  It was a battle they were determined to win.  They have a special reason for completing that 5K.  Not just to say they did it, but for a VERY special person in their life.  However, while they marched, they were texting me.  Not wanting to give up on their race, but not wanting to give up on me either.  This person took the time and energy to help me.  Energy that was depleting them from their goal-but NEVER giving up.  This person has not given up on me.  This person has shown me what UNCONDITIONAL love means.  This person is also to be recognized for my success this weekend.  You are an EXTRA SPECIAL person.  I truly love you!  You hold a special place in my heart that NO ONE can/will replace. You are MY angel on earth-placed in my path at various times for various reasons.

Some things I realized and tweeted on today: (referring to DID)

• We fight a battle and we feel alone. But in reality we have a force with us always.  Sometimes they are with us and sometimes they are against us.  But they are there regardless. 
• But they are always there-like siblings.  And like siblings, we have to learn to get along while being in each other's spaces. 
• This calls for MUTUAL respect, caring, and understanding from everyone. 
• This is needed for healing!

I know you are at the shore reaching out...I'm reaching back!  

I am on a healing journey.  With the help of God, Doc, and myself, I will continue on my journey to healing.  I will reach my destination.  It has not been easy.  Nor will it be easy in the future.  But with support (including my reader's support) I will make it.  I will win this battle.  I will finish this journey.

Jaz

Diary Entry

Switching is eminent.  It is in the near future.  I feel so sad, so scared.  I just want to cry and scream and run and stay and fight and yell.  What do I do?  How do I handle this?

I just want to be alone.  I don't want anyone around. Tears streaming down my face as I sit. I can't do this but I have to.

Everyone is fighting against me.  Everyone wants me to fail.  Everyone wants me to fall down on my face.


Elizabeth-"Just take the whole bottle of sleeping pills.  You won't have live like this anymore.  A gun would work fine as well.  Just end it now" (I can see the bullet going through my head, into my brain, and lodging in my skull.)

Jason-"Just have a drink. Drown everything away and out. Have fun and enjoy it.  Get rid of your problems."

Elizabeth-"But they will be there in the morning.  My way is the best.  Problems are gone forever and ever.  No more suffering."

All I can do is imagine my children with no mother and no real understanding or explanation of why.  Why their mother left them? Why their mother didn't love them?  Why their mother was so screwed up?

I will mess them up and they will have fucked up childhoods and need therapy.  It will be the legacy continued.  The abusers win this way.  But what am I to do?

It's so hard to fight. To fight ALONE! I have no one to talk to. No one that can relate. No one that can help.  Therapy is few and far between.  (Not that she doesn't try, because she works hard for me, day and night--everyday) But ultimately, I'm alone.  I have no one to talk to.  Just to tell my feelings to. Just to explain my thoughts. Just to take my mind off of things for a bit. 

(Elizabeth interjects now, "Just die.")

Is that it? Is that my only option out of this mess I'm in? To leave this world?

I feel things are moving slow right now. In slow motion. I took 3 sleeping pills hoping the effects would set in FAST and LAST! 

(Elizabeth interjects now, "There are more in the bottle.  Just finish them off.  They won't hurt you. Just do it.")

What do I do?
How do I react?
How do I respond?

A Cover-Up Exposed

The phone rings and a name from the past pops up.  It is my mom.  I answer but when I hear her voice I quickly hang up.  The phone rings again and again her name pops up.  This time I let the call go to voice mail.  Her message says she wants to talk to me and asks me if I am ok and what is going on with me.  Of course, I am NOT calling her back.  Why would she bother to call me.  She is suppose to be DEAD in my life.

The next day the phone rings and a name from the past pops up.  It is my mom's best friend.  I immediately get mad.  This is harassment.  They are calling and disturbing my life.  I let the call go to voice mail and listen to the message.  She states she has not talked to my mom in a long time and just wants to make sure she has my mom's correct number.  So I decide to call her back.

She answers the phone and I ask her what she wants.  She states she wants to make sure the number she has for my mom is the correct number.  So, I ask what number she has.  "Uh, um, uh...", she stumbles over her words.  "I don't know. I'll have to call you back to give you the number I have."  "No", I say.  "Here it is..."

She begins to want to chit-chat with me, digging for information, and I am very short with her.  She asks if I am mad at her and I ask "Do I have a reason to be?"

I ask her about my mom walking in on me being raped and not doing anything about it.  I ask her if it is normal to not turn in a child rapist. She states that my mom did turn in the child rapist and that the police were involved and I saw a psychologist.  I told her that the police report says parent states child is lying and parent is uncooperative.  She says that some police men are lazy and just don't want to do their job.  She said my mom loved me and did everything she could do this one time.

I asked her about the church cover up.  She states that if my mom was part of the cover up with the church she, my mom's friend, was unaware.  My mom's friend states "So, you are telling me it happened more than once with this man and with other men," I say, "Yes, that is what I am telling you." She said, "Oh..."

I asked her about my mom's last boyfriend and the physical and sexual abuse that I was  exposed to by him while my mom watched.  She said, "Oh I had no idea.  I would have came and got you and protected you.  I am so sorry."  "It's too late for sorry," I say. 

She said, "But at that time you were running away from home and sneaking out at night."
"Oh....so that's a reason to be beaten naked with a two by four, cords, belts, or whatever is around??.  I didn't realize that." I say. 

She tells me that I should forgive my mom.  She says that her father abused her and her mother knew and she gave it to God and has forgiven her mother and father.

I tell her that I have given up everything to God and I am being blessed and the happiest I have ever been.  But I do not have to forgive or forget what my mom did to me.  I told her that my mother suffers EVERYDAY and is in pain EVERYDAY just like I suffered EVERYDAY during my childhood.

She states, "You don't want to do that.  You don't want to push her out of your life. When she dies you will miss her."

I said "FUCK HER! She isn't worth my time or my breath. She sold me out.  She knew about all the abuse and did nothing.   She sold me. Fuck her!"
I tell her, "Next time you talk to my mom and you tell her everything I said, tell her I will spit on her grave the way she spits on her daddy's grave. Fuck her!  She is suffering and I am living!"

I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore and I hung up.  


I feel so good.  I feel so strong!!!
I am so proud of myself for standing up for us and talking to her.
It was important for me.  Even though I didn't talk to my mom, it felt like I was talking to her.
I felt empowered. I still feel great!
I opened up and spoke up.
I spoke up for the alters and for myself.

Jaz

                                               *~*~*~*~*~*UPDATE*~*~*~*~*~*~*
                                                       (MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS)

That night Jillian showed me what happened the day Vickie, our mother, walked in on Jillian being raped by that man.
Jillian was laying down and was being raped with an object. She isn't sure what the object was but it hurt her and felt pointy.  She can see it being pulled out of her while she is crying and laying there.  It looks like a triangle.  She begins to bleed from her vagina.  The blood is bright red.  The man turns his attention to someone behind him.  Jillian turns her head in the same direction and sees Vickie.  The man and Vickie speak but Jillian can't make out what they are saying.  Jillian looks back down at her vagina and she is still bleeding.  Vickie comes over and places paper towels between Jillian's legs, pulls her dress down, and carries Jillian out.
At home, two doors down, Vickie continues to doctor Jillian.  She is on the phone with people. That is the only thing Jillian shows me.

Goodbye

Dear Vickie,

I am constantly haunted with wishes of "normalcy".  I am constantly wishing for a mother that loves me and cares for me unconditionally.  I am constantly wishing for a mother I can call on and tell about my day, good or bad.  I am wishing for a mother that will hold me and tell me everything will be ok.  I am wishing for a mother that wants me.  I am wishing for a mother's love. 

But I am wishing for something that has never existed and for something that will never exist. I am wishing for things that a child wants because I missed out on them as a child.   I am wishing for these things and missing out on my current life. I can't wish and long for a mother's love any longer.  I must be my own mother.  I must mother my own children. 
 
You could never be what I want.  You could never offer me what I need.  Why I think that you could now and couldn't when I was a child is crazy.  You  could never support me the way I need it.  You are not what I need. 

In my eyes, you are dead.  Your kidney disease has already killed you.  You are buried and dead-6 feet under.  Since you are dead, there is no reason to wish for your love.  I can't have it. You can't give it.  You are gone.


Therefore, I must tell you good bye. 

Good bye Vickie. 
Good bye to my wishes for a mother.
Good bye to my childhood. 
Good bye to the mother you NEVER were. 
Good bye to the mother you NEVER could have been. 
Good bye to the love I wanted from you. 
Good bye to the love you never gave me.
Good bye to my mourning you. 
Good bye to my tears. 
Good bye to my sadness. 
Good bye to my image of a mother.



Good bye forever. 

Jaz

Adoption

So as Jaz I have no memory of having my children.  I don't remember being pregnant with them or giving birth to them.  Nor do I remember them growing up until, perhaps, a year ago.  Stephanie holds these memories.  It is very difficult to be attached to them because of this.

I never liked kids.  They were annoying and drove me crazy.  I couldn't stand whining and complaining.  I couldn't stand to hear children constantly ask for things.  I couldn't stand it.

Then I became the host, out all of the time, and had to deal with children that called me mommy and wanted something from me all the time.  It was hard.

People told me I was lucky.  I may not have a family that consists of MY mother and father but I have my own children that I can make new memories with and start my own, NEW family.  However, people just didn't understand that I didn't bond with my children.  I didn't feel that way.

It hurt me deeply that I felt this way about these children.  I knew they loved me and I felt I should love them but I just didn't know how.  I was having a mini "pity party".

The only person that knew any of these feelings were Doc.  I was too scared to share them with anyone else.  I was scared that something might happen to the children.  What if someone took them away? I couldn't let that happen....

Doc finally explained it in a way that made sense to me and got me thinking.  True that I may not remember pregnancy and birth but there are mothers that don't go through pregnancy and childbirth.  They adopt children.  So I need to think of myself as adopting my own children. 

Well, to me, that made perfect sense.  I may not have those memories but that doesn't mean I can't LEARN to love them.

So, I did my best.  I began really working towards getting to know them as individuals. Getting to know their strengths and weaknesses.  I wanted to know everything about them.  I wanted to spend time with them.  I wanted to be with them and love them for who they are. 

Over time it began to work.  I am learning that, although my memories are not there, I can love them anyway.  I can make new memories with them and show them that I love and care for them like no one else in the world can.

I can show them a MOTHER'S LOVE!!

Jaz

Nightmares

Last night I received a message from a an old friend's mom.  She told me how she loved me like a daughter always and how she was so proud of me. This really touched me.  I have never heard these words from my mom before. 
I began to cry.  I couldn't stop crying.  I was sobbing and hated my mom in that instant.  I hated the fact that I will NEVER have a mother that loves and cares for me.  I will NEVER know that bond between a mother and a child, on the child end. 
After crying and talking to Doc, I tried to go to sleep but nightmares haunted my sleep.  I would be dreaming about abuse and, right before I was hit or raped, I would be jolted out of my sleep. Sitting straight up in the bed.  It was like the pain from the nightmare caused me to wake up.  I couldn't sleep.
Eventually my youngest daughter came and got in the bed with me.  When she did, my dreams changed to positive dreams.  I began to dream that I was part of a family and I was loved.  I knew the family and they accepted me for who I am loved me unconditionally.  It was a great dream that lasted about 30 minutes.  However, today I am still exhausted.  I only got around 3 hours of sleep last night.  
Doc says that there are women that want and need daughters and I will find someone that loves and cares for me unconditionally.  I am hoping she is right.  Although, at times I am skeptical.  But I guess this comes from my abusive past.  I was raised thinking no one would ever love me.  It will take a lot of thought process changing to show me that there are people with unconditional love. 
Hoping that I can continue on my road to recovery and succeed in life!

Jaz

What is wrong with me?

Why am I still so depressed?
I am so down in the dumps.
Again, fighting alters.

Sitting in class pretending I'm ok.
I hate this feeling.

I have got to get out of the past and into the present.
Currently there is nothing for me to be sad or depressed about.
My present life is going well.
So what's wrong?

Are the alters upset thinking I'm going to forget about them?
Do they think that if I am happy, the past is discounted?

I suffered abuse in the past too but it's time to live in the present.
I can't let the alters affect me anymore. I must be strong.

Fighting my urge to drink and run from my feelings.
I want to so bad.
I know I shouldn't.
I must remain strong and fight.

I'm a fighter!
I'm a survivor!
I will succeed!
I will thrive!

Triggers

Fighting switching tonight...Oh how quickly things change.

I leaned a weird way and an alter came. The little one Was having memories of rape in the shower. He was making her bend over and raping her over and over.

"I did not want it but Jackie makes people think she wants it", Julie said.

So now Julie is scared and wants out to handle her feelings. I keep telling her to trust me. It's ok. There is no reason to come out. There is no threat of rape or any other abuse.
I will take care of her. I got this. But she wants out. She wants to see doc. She wants help. She wants to feel safe and she doesn't feel safe inside right now.

That's it! When they don't feel safe inside, they want out to control the situation. Maybe they feel they need to save me from danger. But there is no longer danger. There is no danger of abuse.

They must believe and listen to me. I need control to handle the situation. Not a child alter. I have to deal with this.

She wants to spend another night in the closet, Safe and sound.

Help me...I don't want to switch. But I think the switch is imminent.

Call from the Past

Sitting in therapy my phone rings.  I look down to see who is calling, and it's like a ghost is calling me.  My phone says "Momma Calling."  My immediate thought...."I didn't even know I had her phone number." My second thought...."What the hell does she want? Why is she calling me?"

Doc says not to answer. Just wait and see if she leaves a voice mail message.  Well, she doesn't leave a message.  20 minutes go by and it's time to go but that phone call is bugging me.  I want to know:

• Why she was calling?  
• Who does she think she is? 
• What does she want?
• Is this my time to yell at her?
• Should I confront her?
• Should I call her back?
• Did she find out I broke silence and told my family?
• Is she going to say something to me about the past?

Well, I made a decision.  I was calling her.  Doc said I had to call during therapy.  Not at home alone. First, I called my uncle to see if she had called him.  He didn't answer.  "Screw it!," I thought.  "Who cares what she knows." She doesn't control me anymore.  What the hell can she do to me?  I am grown and she is dying a slow, painful death of kidney failure.  So I hit the callback button.

It rings.  Once, Twice, Three, Four times.  Doc says, "She ain't going to answer you now.  She is going to do a power play and make you wait."  "No," I say. "She will answer." Fifth ring and I hear background noise and "hello".  The background noise is a trigger.  It IMMEDIATELY sends me back to my childhood.  I am sitting in an apartment all alone at 2am.  I call "The Silver Fox".  I don't have to look up the number.  I know the number by heart because I call it so much.  I call, I hear background noise, and the bartender says, "Silver Fox".  I ask for my mom and the bartender yells, "Vickie, it's your kid again."  "What do you want," my mom asks. "I want you to come home.  It's late and I'm scared, " I say.  "Oh, leave me alone.  I'll come home later." And the phone goes dead. 

"Hello", she says again.  I am shaken from my past. I know she is sitting in a bar.
 "Hello?", I say.
"HEY!", she says.  (like we are best friends)
"You called me?"
"Yes, I did"
"What do you need?"
"I want to know if I can come see you and the girls.  I miss you."
"Are you drunk?"  (She is taken back by this question.  Her tone changes.)
"Well, as a matter of fact, yes I am. Can I come see you?"
"NO!! I told you to never contact me or my family again. That's what I meant!" I yell into the phone. And then I hang up.

I am shaking and mad.  At the same time I feel strength.  I did it!! I called her back.  I stood up to her.  I confronted her. I was strong and she thought I would be weak. I am smiling and laughing.  It felt GREAT!!

There is so much that I wish now that I would have said before I hung up.  I wanted to say:

• Why did you do what you did?
• Did you think I wouldn't remember?
• Do you know how you have screwed my life up?
• Why did you let those men fuck me?
• Why did you beat me?
• Why were you a drunk?
• Did you EVER care about me?
• You thought I wouldn't remember.
• They told you I would probably never remember.  But guess what?!?!
• I know now BITCH! 
• I know what you did to me!
• And I am furious!!!

 I might not ever get to ask any of those questions before she dies.  And even if i ask those questions, I am not expecting her to acknowledge one single thing that she did to me.

But there can be NO regrets. I do not regret hanging up on her and not saying anything else about it.  I got in the last word.  She knows I am furious and she KNOWS that I KNOW.  She may not admit it but she KNOWS that I KNOW.  That is why she was sitting on a bar stool at a bar drunk.

She knows she did wrong.  She may or may not regret what she did to me.  But I can't let that affect me in my present life.  I must live MY life to the fullest.  With NO regrets and NO looking back.  I am crossing my bridge one baby step at a time.   And that phone call allowed me to take a leap onto my bridge to my healing process.

"Spread your wings and prepare to fly, butterfly!"
Jaz

Crossing the bridge

"I can't make you do this, Jaz.  You must be willing to do it.  I can only bring you so close.  You must be willing to cross the bridge through the fire.  I will not promise you that it will not hurt.   It will hurt and you will feel.  But the other side is a wonderful place to be.  It is a place of peace, happiness, and healing.  I have helped bring you this far.  You have to make the decision.  Will you continue on and cross the bridge or will you stop and continue to live life as you have been?  Running from pain and not feeling.  Not being truly happy.  I can't help you anymore, if you don't cross the bridge.  There is no more I can do for you.  This is your decision.  What will you do?"

 

Well, I am willing to cross that bridge.  I will do everything in my power to cross it and go toward the side of healing.   I do not want to live the way I have been living.  I want to heal.  I trust you and I know that you will do everything in your power to help me.  I know that you will not let me fall.  You are the FIRST person my system learned to trust.  You have showed us the potential we have. I will do it.  I will cross the bridge.  But not for you.  For me.  I will do it for my system.  I will do it so that we may heal from the abuse and the past.  I want to be able to express my feelings "normally" without an alter coming to take the feelings from me.  I want to know what it means to be happy.  I want to LOVE, LIVE, and LAUGH without just going through the motions.  I will cross the bridge over that terrible and scary fire.  But not for you, for me and my system.  For healing and happiness and the chance of a "normal" and successful life.  I said a week ago when I dumped the alcohol I wasn't going back.  And I meant it.  I am not going back.  I am looking forward and taking it one step at a time.

I know you will continue to help me along my journey.  I appreciate you more than words or actions could every express.  

Let's work on this marathon, not sprint, together.  

Jaz