A Cover-Up Exposed

The phone rings and a name from the past pops up.  It is my mom.  I answer but when I hear her voice I quickly hang up.  The phone rings again and again her name pops up.  This time I let the call go to voice mail.  Her message says she wants to talk to me and asks me if I am ok and what is going on with me.  Of course, I am NOT calling her back.  Why would she bother to call me.  She is suppose to be DEAD in my life.

The next day the phone rings and a name from the past pops up.  It is my mom's best friend.  I immediately get mad.  This is harassment.  They are calling and disturbing my life.  I let the call go to voice mail and listen to the message.  She states she has not talked to my mom in a long time and just wants to make sure she has my mom's correct number.  So I decide to call her back.

She answers the phone and I ask her what she wants.  She states she wants to make sure the number she has for my mom is the correct number.  So, I ask what number she has.  "Uh, um, uh...", she stumbles over her words.  "I don't know. I'll have to call you back to give you the number I have."  "No", I say.  "Here it is..."

She begins to want to chit-chat with me, digging for information, and I am very short with her.  She asks if I am mad at her and I ask "Do I have a reason to be?"

I ask her about my mom walking in on me being raped and not doing anything about it.  I ask her if it is normal to not turn in a child rapist. She states that my mom did turn in the child rapist and that the police were involved and I saw a psychologist.  I told her that the police report says parent states child is lying and parent is uncooperative.  She says that some police men are lazy and just don't want to do their job.  She said my mom loved me and did everything she could do this one time.

I asked her about the church cover up.  She states that if my mom was part of the cover up with the church she, my mom's friend, was unaware.  My mom's friend states "So, you are telling me it happened more than once with this man and with other men," I say, "Yes, that is what I am telling you." She said, "Oh..."

I asked her about my mom's last boyfriend and the physical and sexual abuse that I was  exposed to by him while my mom watched.  She said, "Oh I had no idea.  I would have came and got you and protected you.  I am so sorry."  "It's too late for sorry," I say. 

She said, "But at that time you were running away from home and sneaking out at night."
"Oh....so that's a reason to be beaten naked with a two by four, cords, belts, or whatever is around??.  I didn't realize that." I say. 

She tells me that I should forgive my mom.  She says that her father abused her and her mother knew and she gave it to God and has forgiven her mother and father.

I tell her that I have given up everything to God and I am being blessed and the happiest I have ever been.  But I do not have to forgive or forget what my mom did to me.  I told her that my mother suffers EVERYDAY and is in pain EVERYDAY just like I suffered EVERYDAY during my childhood.

She states, "You don't want to do that.  You don't want to push her out of your life. When she dies you will miss her."

I said "FUCK HER! She isn't worth my time or my breath. She sold me out.  She knew about all the abuse and did nothing.   She sold me. Fuck her!"
I tell her, "Next time you talk to my mom and you tell her everything I said, tell her I will spit on her grave the way she spits on her daddy's grave. Fuck her!  She is suffering and I am living!"

I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore and I hung up.  


I feel so good.  I feel so strong!!!
I am so proud of myself for standing up for us and talking to her.
It was important for me.  Even though I didn't talk to my mom, it felt like I was talking to her.
I felt empowered. I still feel great!
I opened up and spoke up.
I spoke up for the alters and for myself.

Jaz

                                               *~*~*~*~*~*UPDATE*~*~*~*~*~*~*
                                                       (MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS)

That night Jillian showed me what happened the day Vickie, our mother, walked in on Jillian being raped by that man.
Jillian was laying down and was being raped with an object. She isn't sure what the object was but it hurt her and felt pointy.  She can see it being pulled out of her while she is crying and laying there.  It looks like a triangle.  She begins to bleed from her vagina.  The blood is bright red.  The man turns his attention to someone behind him.  Jillian turns her head in the same direction and sees Vickie.  The man and Vickie speak but Jillian can't make out what they are saying.  Jillian looks back down at her vagina and she is still bleeding.  Vickie comes over and places paper towels between Jillian's legs, pulls her dress down, and carries Jillian out.
At home, two doors down, Vickie continues to doctor Jillian.  She is on the phone with people. That is the only thing Jillian shows me.

Buying for Alters

I have heard others talk about buying things for their alters to play with or things for them to do.  I have never done this before.  At least not bought something SPECIFIC for an alter.  So, I went to the store for the alters. 

For Jillian, I bought a pacifier.  I found out that a pacifier soothes her.  The constant pressure and sucking calms her nerves.

For Julie, I bought a coloring book.  She loves to color but has no coloring book of her own. She likes to color and give her pictures to Doc.

For Jackie, I bought a toy.  It was a little remote control car with a "My Little Pony" to go with it.  Jackie hasn't used her car yet.  She is upset about that. I promised her tomorrow she could use it and play all day.

Of course they all were with me and picked out what they wanted. Jackie was the most difficult.  She looked and looked around the toy aisle for about 30 minutes until we were able to find something she wanted.  (I'm sure people thought I was crazy talking to "myself" walking around.)

They were very excited to go and get something that is their very own.  It was a very interesting experience.


UPDATE!!! May 1, 2012
Jackie was able to play with her toy car last night.  She thoroughly enjoyed it.  I gave her 10 minutes and then told her she had to put it up.  She whined and didn't want to but I reminded her that if she did it, Doc and I would be so proud of her and she would get to come out more for playing and having fun.  She agreed and when we switched back it was like we got stuck.  I was out but she was still controlling me.  I told her to let go that it would be ok and she would get time out again.  She finally let go and we fully switched.  
 It was an interesting experience; since, this is the first time I had let an alter out to "play" with a toy that was their own.  
Just to know how happy it made her, made me want to work better with the system. 

A Hospital Visit

 Switching and Depression have been occurring a lot lately.  I could not figure out why. 

• Why is an alter so depressed?
• What is your trigger?
• Why do you want out now?
• Why must you hurt yourself when you come out?

None of these questions were being answered.  The alter, Jillian, just wanted out and wanted to cut to relieve tension, anxiety, fear, and pain. She is bombarding me.  Not switching the way we all switch.  We all go into the foyer, and the person that is out leaves and switches with the person in the foyer.  However, Jillian is running through the foyer and pushing me out of the way.  Bombarding me with switching.  Then she will block off the door so I can't switch back.  This is tiresome and hurtful to the system.

Thursday I was fighting with her all day and she won.  She came out and cut our arms again.  Retracing the words HELP and HATE, along with just slicing at the arm to make cuts.  I had to make a decision.  She had to realize that her actions have consequences.  I made a decision to admit myself into the hospital. 

I went to the hospital and told them about her and the cutting. I told them that if I went home, the cutting would continue.  So, I stayed in the hospital.  It was DEVASTATING to the system. 

There was only a bed in the room.  There was no phone, no visitors allowed, no restroom, nothing.  Only four walls and a bed.  My only options were which wall I was going to face. 

I went almost 48 hours with no medicine.  They wouldn't give me anything in my purse.  About half way through the stay, they told me I had to switch gowns from a cloth gown to a paper gown.  This paper gown made me feel naked.  There were only men in the ward watching each room.  Julie, a child alter, came out and began to think she was going to get raped.  I had a panic attack on the bed in the room.  They refused to give me anything to help me or her.


They continuously asked me if I was hearing voices.  The doctor did not believe in Dissociative Identity Disorder, DID.  He told me that I didn't need medicine because they had too many side effects and then he would have to prescribe medicine for the side effects.  He told me that my panic attacks and feelings were normal and I could just work through them. 

I told him that I wanted to go home.  Jillian was no longer a danger to us.  That Jillian would not cut herself any more.  She has seen her actions have consequences and is more willing to get help and not act out in such a negative way. 

While I was in the psych ward, I talked a lot with Jillian.  I told her I was sorry for talking down to her.  I told her that I was sorry for being ugly to her and not respecting her feelings.  We had a long discussion and I think we will work better together now.  I think we have gotten to know one another. 

Today, I was in the gas station and sitting all alone on a shelf was a pack of 100 single razor blades.  The box was open and there was one on top of the box.  Jillian said, "Just grab one.  We can put it in our pocket."  I reminded her of the hospital and the consequences she will have to deal with if she cuts again.  She decided that she didn't want to go there again.  And she agreed with me that the razor blades were a bad idea. That is a positive step.  :-)

I am hoping and praying that we will be able to work together now and not having anymore cutting incidents.  She has seen the hospital and doesn't want to go back.  (Neither do I but I will if that is the only way we can be safe.)  I promise her that I will continue to talk nicely to her and respect her feelings, as long as she respects the system and does no more cutting.  She has signed a no self harm agreement today. 

Hoping and Praying this works!!

Jaz

Christmas Feelings

Christmas should bring feelings of joy and excitement. Feelings of love for the ones closest to you. However, for me Christmas brings mixed emotions.  Every alter has their own way of feeling. (These are the main ones that emerge...)

Liz (host)- I can feel this year. I don't feel like I'm just going through the motions.  I feel something...love for my children.

Jackie (child)-Wants to be with her mother. She misses the sociopath that brought us so much pain and suffering.   She wants to be with her and the family for Christmas.

Julie (child)-is nervous about Christmas. She wants to be away Christmas.  She doesn't like people, thinking they will hurt her again.

Jaz (teenager)-wants to party on Christmas. She likes to drink to run from the pain and suffering she was caused her whole life. (Although, she doesn't see it as running.)

Jillian (not sure of age)-is getting more anxious as Christmas approaches. She keeps showing me images from our past abuse.  She also thinks that others will hurt her again.

I am hoping that Christmas Day I will be able to contain the alters and we can have a civilized Christmas together as one big family unit!

Wishing you and yours a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Jillian

Note: This post may contain triggers.

Tonight I was on the computer trying to find something specific to buy to help my system work better.  This search began to produce triggers inside for Julie.  So I stopped and tried to listen to her. I played her some music and did various things to help her feel safe. 

She began feeling the pains of being raped. She could feel a man with his fingers inside her jamming them harder and harder.  She could feel a man on top of her with his penis inside her. He was shoving it inside her.  She wanted him to stop.  She was scared and crying for him to stop.  She grabbed her stomach and vagina to protect herself but nothing was working.  It began to hurt inside.

The more pain Julie felt a new alter began to emerge...Jillian.  Jillian is a self-injurious alter. Jillian doesn't talk. She just cuts and stares off in trances. She experienced deep pain and in order for her to cope she cuts herself. So in order to cope with the pain inside her vagina Jillian grabbed a sharp object and began to cut and slice at her arms. 

This is the moment I loose all consciousness.  When I come out again. The body is in pain.  There are cuts to both arms.  Both arms are bleeding.  I wash them off with cold water and dry them with a towel.  The arms are bleeding and stinging.  I place neosporin on the arms and put on long sleeves to cover the cuts.

Then it hits me....a feeling I have NEVER felt before....ANGER!
Anger towards the one person that should have protected me....My mother.  Anger towards her for causing me pain.  I feel sorry for the alters, and myself, for having being put in the predicament we were in as children...being prostituted out, beaten, being left alone while she went to the bars, and much much more...

Liz