A Cover-Up Exposed

The phone rings and a name from the past pops up.  It is my mom.  I answer but when I hear her voice I quickly hang up.  The phone rings again and again her name pops up.  This time I let the call go to voice mail.  Her message says she wants to talk to me and asks me if I am ok and what is going on with me.  Of course, I am NOT calling her back.  Why would she bother to call me.  She is suppose to be DEAD in my life.

The next day the phone rings and a name from the past pops up.  It is my mom's best friend.  I immediately get mad.  This is harassment.  They are calling and disturbing my life.  I let the call go to voice mail and listen to the message.  She states she has not talked to my mom in a long time and just wants to make sure she has my mom's correct number.  So I decide to call her back.

She answers the phone and I ask her what she wants.  She states she wants to make sure the number she has for my mom is the correct number.  So, I ask what number she has.  "Uh, um, uh...", she stumbles over her words.  "I don't know. I'll have to call you back to give you the number I have."  "No", I say.  "Here it is..."

She begins to want to chit-chat with me, digging for information, and I am very short with her.  She asks if I am mad at her and I ask "Do I have a reason to be?"

I ask her about my mom walking in on me being raped and not doing anything about it.  I ask her if it is normal to not turn in a child rapist. She states that my mom did turn in the child rapist and that the police were involved and I saw a psychologist.  I told her that the police report says parent states child is lying and parent is uncooperative.  She says that some police men are lazy and just don't want to do their job.  She said my mom loved me and did everything she could do this one time.

I asked her about the church cover up.  She states that if my mom was part of the cover up with the church she, my mom's friend, was unaware.  My mom's friend states "So, you are telling me it happened more than once with this man and with other men," I say, "Yes, that is what I am telling you." She said, "Oh..."

I asked her about my mom's last boyfriend and the physical and sexual abuse that I was  exposed to by him while my mom watched.  She said, "Oh I had no idea.  I would have came and got you and protected you.  I am so sorry."  "It's too late for sorry," I say. 

She said, "But at that time you were running away from home and sneaking out at night."
"Oh....so that's a reason to be beaten naked with a two by four, cords, belts, or whatever is around??.  I didn't realize that." I say. 

She tells me that I should forgive my mom.  She says that her father abused her and her mother knew and she gave it to God and has forgiven her mother and father.

I tell her that I have given up everything to God and I am being blessed and the happiest I have ever been.  But I do not have to forgive or forget what my mom did to me.  I told her that my mother suffers EVERYDAY and is in pain EVERYDAY just like I suffered EVERYDAY during my childhood.

She states, "You don't want to do that.  You don't want to push her out of your life. When she dies you will miss her."

I said "FUCK HER! She isn't worth my time or my breath. She sold me out.  She knew about all the abuse and did nothing.   She sold me. Fuck her!"
I tell her, "Next time you talk to my mom and you tell her everything I said, tell her I will spit on her grave the way she spits on her daddy's grave. Fuck her!  She is suffering and I am living!"

I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore and I hung up.  


I feel so good.  I feel so strong!!!
I am so proud of myself for standing up for us and talking to her.
It was important for me.  Even though I didn't talk to my mom, it felt like I was talking to her.
I felt empowered. I still feel great!
I opened up and spoke up.
I spoke up for the alters and for myself.

Jaz

                                               *~*~*~*~*~*UPDATE*~*~*~*~*~*~*
                                                       (MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS)

That night Jillian showed me what happened the day Vickie, our mother, walked in on Jillian being raped by that man.
Jillian was laying down and was being raped with an object. She isn't sure what the object was but it hurt her and felt pointy.  She can see it being pulled out of her while she is crying and laying there.  It looks like a triangle.  She begins to bleed from her vagina.  The blood is bright red.  The man turns his attention to someone behind him.  Jillian turns her head in the same direction and sees Vickie.  The man and Vickie speak but Jillian can't make out what they are saying.  Jillian looks back down at her vagina and she is still bleeding.  Vickie comes over and places paper towels between Jillian's legs, pulls her dress down, and carries Jillian out.
At home, two doors down, Vickie continues to doctor Jillian.  She is on the phone with people. That is the only thing Jillian shows me.

Call from the Past

Sitting in therapy my phone rings.  I look down to see who is calling, and it's like a ghost is calling me.  My phone says "Momma Calling."  My immediate thought...."I didn't even know I had her phone number." My second thought...."What the hell does she want? Why is she calling me?"

Doc says not to answer. Just wait and see if she leaves a voice mail message.  Well, she doesn't leave a message.  20 minutes go by and it's time to go but that phone call is bugging me.  I want to know:

• Why she was calling?  
• Who does she think she is? 
• What does she want?
• Is this my time to yell at her?
• Should I confront her?
• Should I call her back?
• Did she find out I broke silence and told my family?
• Is she going to say something to me about the past?

Well, I made a decision.  I was calling her.  Doc said I had to call during therapy.  Not at home alone. First, I called my uncle to see if she had called him.  He didn't answer.  "Screw it!," I thought.  "Who cares what she knows." She doesn't control me anymore.  What the hell can she do to me?  I am grown and she is dying a slow, painful death of kidney failure.  So I hit the callback button.

It rings.  Once, Twice, Three, Four times.  Doc says, "She ain't going to answer you now.  She is going to do a power play and make you wait."  "No," I say. "She will answer." Fifth ring and I hear background noise and "hello".  The background noise is a trigger.  It IMMEDIATELY sends me back to my childhood.  I am sitting in an apartment all alone at 2am.  I call "The Silver Fox".  I don't have to look up the number.  I know the number by heart because I call it so much.  I call, I hear background noise, and the bartender says, "Silver Fox".  I ask for my mom and the bartender yells, "Vickie, it's your kid again."  "What do you want," my mom asks. "I want you to come home.  It's late and I'm scared, " I say.  "Oh, leave me alone.  I'll come home later." And the phone goes dead. 

"Hello", she says again.  I am shaken from my past. I know she is sitting in a bar.
 "Hello?", I say.
"HEY!", she says.  (like we are best friends)
"You called me?"
"Yes, I did"
"What do you need?"
"I want to know if I can come see you and the girls.  I miss you."
"Are you drunk?"  (She is taken back by this question.  Her tone changes.)
"Well, as a matter of fact, yes I am. Can I come see you?"
"NO!! I told you to never contact me or my family again. That's what I meant!" I yell into the phone. And then I hang up.

I am shaking and mad.  At the same time I feel strength.  I did it!! I called her back.  I stood up to her.  I confronted her. I was strong and she thought I would be weak. I am smiling and laughing.  It felt GREAT!!

There is so much that I wish now that I would have said before I hung up.  I wanted to say:

• Why did you do what you did?
• Did you think I wouldn't remember?
• Do you know how you have screwed my life up?
• Why did you let those men fuck me?
• Why did you beat me?
• Why were you a drunk?
• Did you EVER care about me?
• You thought I wouldn't remember.
• They told you I would probably never remember.  But guess what?!?!
• I know now BITCH! 
• I know what you did to me!
• And I am furious!!!

 I might not ever get to ask any of those questions before she dies.  And even if i ask those questions, I am not expecting her to acknowledge one single thing that she did to me.

But there can be NO regrets. I do not regret hanging up on her and not saying anything else about it.  I got in the last word.  She knows I am furious and she KNOWS that I KNOW.  She may not admit it but she KNOWS that I KNOW.  That is why she was sitting on a bar stool at a bar drunk.

She knows she did wrong.  She may or may not regret what she did to me.  But I can't let that affect me in my present life.  I must live MY life to the fullest.  With NO regrets and NO looking back.  I am crossing my bridge one baby step at a time.   And that phone call allowed me to take a leap onto my bridge to my healing process.

"Spread your wings and prepare to fly, butterfly!"
Jaz

Visiting

Today I went to my grandmother's house to visit with her.  This is the first time I have seen her since I broke my silence on February 4, 2012. 

I was so happy to see her but at the same time very nervous that my mother might show up at any minute.  I am not sure what I was so nervous about.  There isn't anything she could do to me now.  She is sick and dying and I am a STRONG WOMAN! However, the fear from Julie, a child alter, was still there.  I spent about 2 hours with my grandmother.  She told me how happy she was to see me.  She also told me that I look much happier than the last time she saw me. That made me feel good.  At least I know that by me telling I am happier on the outside as well as the inside.

We sat hand in hand while we ate lunch.  While I was driving she reached over and grabbed my hand to hold.  It was very sweet.  It let me know how much I was loved and how it feels to have someone that really, truly cares about you.

Liz

Breaking Silence

 

Abusers win by keeping us silent.  They gain their power when we are quiet.  We can gain that power by speaking out against the abuser and telling what happened to us.  If we don't speak out against them, we are never free.  No matter our age, how long it has been since the abuse happened, or even if the abusers are no longer living, we must speak out!! 

We must be Silenced No Longer!

I refuse to let the abusers win.  I want to win!! I want the power!! I don't want to live in fear any longer.

By speaking the truth I gain power against my abusers. Here is an overview of my story...

As a  child I grew up in a single parent home.  We, my mother and I, lived in the "bad" part of town.  We were in church every time the doors were open.   My mother didn't have a job until I was 5.  Even then she only made minimum wage, so there was never any money. What was a mother to do?  Well, she had an idea.  If I prostitute out my daughter, I can get cash, drugs, liquor, and places to stay.  So starting with high ranking people in church, she began to allow men to have sex with me.  She would send me to neighbor's houses at 9 or 10 at night to let the men do what they wished with me.  Laying on me, raping me, having oral sex, kissing me, telling me how good it feels, deep breathing in my ear, licking my neck....

When she found boyfriends, she allowed them to abuse me as well.  This ensured us a place to stay.  She would say that "We have no place to go.  I can't afford to move.  We have to stay here.  This is life." She did take me to see a therapist as a child because the police got involved.  However, she told me to lie to the police and tell them that nothing happened.  She also told me not to tell the therapist anything that was happening or I would die.  The police got involved three times that I know of and each time it was written off as a child that is lying.  The sexual, physical, and emotional abuse continued until I was 17. 


I, the host, am still working on being strong enough to have all of the horrific memories of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse.  What I have just described in brief, are memories that have been expressed to me through alters in therapy. 

I finally told someone....On February 4, 2012 I brought my grandma and my uncle to therapy and sat them down and told them what my mother did to me as a child.  They both broke down and cried.  They told me how STRONG I was for finally telling and how PROUD of me they are that I broke the silence.  I am so glad I did it.  It makes me feel STRONG and COURAGEOUS.

Liz

First Post

Hello. This is the first post to my blog and I thought I would introduce myself and what this blog will be about. I will share my past for the FIRST TIME.  Before now I have not spoken of my horrific past.  I am a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I will write my thoughts and feelings on this blog.  Each time I write I will sign off with my name letting you know who wrote the blog.  
I am learning I have a VOICE and I can be SILENCED NO LONGER!
Liz (host)