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I am a woman learning to heal from past sexual, emotional, and physical abuse along with neglect. I have been diagnosised with DID and Complex PTSD both direct causes of the abuse. jazmineo1112@yahoo.com

Saturday, February 1, 2014

The State of Denial

Denial is defined as:
~the action of declaring something to be untrue
In psychology it is defined as:
~failure to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion or to admit it into consciousness, used as a defense mechanism

So I propose a question:
~Why do people live in denial?

Today I went to visit a relative, my grandmother. (Prefaced, She lives in an assisted living home and is not in a right state of mind.) When I walk into her room, she is asleep. I walk up to her and gently tap her; to which she responds "More pills?" 
She does not recognize me, confusing me with a nurse. I do have to tell her who I am. She is overcome with joy to see me. 
We talk for a little while and then we decide to go to breakfast. At breakfast we laugh and have a good time. 
She occasionally mentions my mom, her daughter. She states that her daughter has only came to visit her once in the year she has been living in the assisted living home. 
As our visit progresses, her mention of my mother increases. 
She tells me that my mother took care of me and loved me. She tells me that my mother took me to church where two men watched me. After a few "visits" with these men, I begin crying when I see them and don't want to be around them, so my mother takes me out of that church. To which I tell her that is a lie because we were in that church until I was 9 years old. 
Then she drops her denial bombshell:
"Do you remember what all you told us last year about what happened to you? I just don't believe your mother did that to you. She is your mother and she loves you."
She even tells me "I wish I had remembered, while we were out, and you could have taken me to her house."
*~*At this moment, my heart sinks into my belly*~*
My Thoughts At That Moment...
{Wow! Really? After everything she has done in the past few months, you think I'M the liar?!
Inside I'm hurt and I'm infuriated! Another person to disappoint me! This is the reason Vickie said don't tell. No one will believe you. Even the men who abused me told me that.}
I continue to conversate with her. 
She will bring up my mother some. One time even saying she wished I had taken her to my mom's house so she could visit. To which I am dumbfounded, and get mad, stating she is crazy if she thinks I am going anywhere near my mom's house. I fuss at her, as if she was a child asking a ridiculous question.
We talk some more. 
However, before she speaks, I always say "If this isn't a happy thing, I don't want to hear it."
She listens to my warnings, mostly. 
I do her nails and then we lay together and take a nap. 
When we wake up, I get ready to go and she says, "Please listen to me. Don't let your mother die alone. She's alone. Don't be mean to her like she was to you."
I kiss her on the head and tell her (with a smile), "she will die alone. She is mean."
With this, I kiss her again and leave. 

Driving home I can't forget what she said. Contemplating if I should even see her ever again.  Those words resounding in my head. 
I call my uncle and jovially discuss my time with her. Then I question him about her statement. He says he knows because she has told him that same thing before as well. 
The day continues, but I am continuously hearing those words "I don't believe you". 
Doc says "use logic. What she says you can't believe. She has Alzheimer's and dementia. She thought you were a nurse when you showed up. She isn't in her right mind."
All of this is true but I'm still affected. 
Someone asks me "why does it matter if she believes you? It doesn't change anything." 
This person is right. It doesn't change anything.  So why am I affected. 

Then I realize....
It's like abuse all over again. 
So the abuser (my mom n the male) say "no one will ever believe you" the victim (me) believes which is why the victim stays silent. 

When I was 15 my grandma asked me if my mom's boyfriend was abusing me. For the first time in my life I lied to my grandma and said no. I was too afraid to tell the truth.  I sometimes wonder "what if I would have told the truth. What might have been the outcome"

Even though it's over. Long  gone and done. 
Her saying she doesn't believe me makes me think....would she have believed me at age 15? Would I still have been allowed to get in that vehicle with him....so he could squeeze my thighs, rub between my legs, make me scoot over closer to him so he could put his hand down my pants and touch me skin-to-skin, telling me how good it feels and asking if I liked it? 
Or would I have been taken away and my life changed and someone believe me?

Who knows what would have happened? What if's and what would have's are questions that should never be asked because they are questions that could NEVER be answered. 
You never TRULY know what you would do unless you are faced with the exact situation. 
So asking myself these questions and focusing on these what if's is a HUGE waste of time. 
I can NEVER know the answer. It's in the past. 
Stay in the present and look toward the future! 

I realize I am the only one that can help me. I am the only one that can pick myself up and go on. 
I was angry but I wasn't staying down. I was defending myself. 

I'm an adult, I will stand up for myself, and I won't take abuse. I will pick myself up. 

I am the girls' only advocate. 
But I'm also MY OWN advocate. 
If I don't stand up for me, who will?
If I don't pick myself up when I'm down, who will? 

I can't advocate for the girls, if I can't even do it for myself
The responsibility ultimately falls on me. It's my job! 
No one will hold me down again! 

Head up. 
Chest out. 
Carry on. 


*~*To answer my question from the beginning: 
Why do people live in denial?*~*

The truth is, I have no clue and could not imagine why people would live in denial. However,
{Her denial of any abuse that my mother purposefully inflicted upon me is probably due to her mind. She can't remember things clearly now. Also, it is shock and dismay that causes her denial. She knows that her and my mother are on their death beds and she is attempting to "patch things up". But I REFUSE to live in denial. This is inappropriate and enables abuse. Which I REFUSE to allow happen to me again!}