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I am a woman learning to heal from past sexual, emotional, and physical abuse along with neglect. I have been diagnosised with DID and Complex PTSD both direct causes of the abuse. jazmineo1112@yahoo.com

Friday, July 19, 2013

Feelings Brought Up

As you may or may not know, my mother sold me to men for various types of "compensation" beginning as a young child and ending when I left home. 

Today I learned of a man in my home town that was caught attempting to buy a child with any type of disability for sex. What type of person would do such a thing?....a sociopath. Someone without feelings towards others. Someone without sympathy or empathy. No way for them to relate to anyone. 

These people are amongst us daily. They are our neighbors, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, or family members. You must protect yourself and your family from these people. 

In news, the man was looking for a "single mother". People like him know that single mothers with young children are more likely to be victimized. That doesn't mean that other children aren't victimized. Nor does it mean that single mothers don't protect their children. It simply means there is a higher chance of victimization of children to single mothers. (I am a single mother with young children. Knowing this fact, I even more vigilant with my daughters.)

This news story reports that due to Shaniya's Law, they were able to arrest and charge this man with a crime. 
Shaniya Davis was a 5 year old child that died a few years ago. Her mother sold her to a man for drugs. The man took her to a hotel in a nearby city, raped and murdered her. Then he dumped her body on the side of the road like an animal. 
Although her murder was senseless, it was not in vain. It has stopped at least one child that would have been abused by this man! 

Shaniya Davis is always in my thoughts. I knew that could have been me. I survived for a reason. I survived to speak up and speak out for victims that couldn't or can't speak for themselves. 

How can we stop child abuse, child prostitution, and human trafficking? 
If you know of any abuse, don't let it go unreported. YOU may be a child's only voice! Their only way out of the hell they are living! 
No one spoke up for me. Everyone swept it under a rug. No one reported anything. Don't allow it to happen to someone else!
Be a child's voice!
Be a child's advocate!
Don't let another child be abused because YOU are scared or YOU don't want to get involved!
Imagine the child's fear he/she lives with EVERYDAY!
You may be a child's only hope!



Tuesday, July 2, 2013


Where to start?

I am not sure about integration. I am not sure how it works, what you are suppose to feel, what you are suppose to go through, or anything about it. But I think it's happening between myself and Stephanie (the girls' mom). 

I've noticed within the past month or so when the girls go to their dad's for the weekend, I am at a loss without them. I miss them terribly and constantly wonder about them. At night I sleep with something that reminds me of them, so I feel that they are close to me. 
The bond between us is getting stronger. 

This past weekend I couldn't wait to pick them up and see them. I just wanted to hug them and tell them how much I missed them and love them. I didn't want to be without them, and I knew I would be leaving early Monday morning, so I had them sleep with me-just to be close to them. 
I just can't get enough of them! 

I have never liked children nor cared to be around children. I would run the opposite way when children were around. I didn't like being in their presence. So this change in behavior is DRASTIC! 

With my first daughter I had a C-section. I was never able to see the scar until around a month ago. I am beginning to recall certain things of their births and infancy. The "memories" are faint and few but they are coming slowly. I am so happy to receive the "memories". 

I'm not sure what all this means or how to take everything. I'm not even sure this means integration.  
(I won't see Doc, my therapist, for another 30 days!!)

Any thoughts, similar situations, advice, etc is greatly needed/appreciated. 



Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
Why did you hurt me? 
Why did you laugh when I cried?
Did you enjoy seeing your daughter in pain?
Why did you tell me it was better if I wasn't around?
Did you despise me that much?
Would you have preferred that I was never born?
Why did you not spend time with me?
Why did you leave me alone?
Why did you not protect me?
Why did you sell me for your greed?

For all of these things I am angry. 
I am angry you hurt me. 
I am angry you preferred that I wasn't around. 
I am angry you didn't spend time with me. 
I am angry that you did not protect me. 
I am angry that you laughed when I cried. 
I am angry you made me watch things I did not like. 
I am angry you didn't love me. 
I am angry I didn't have a happy childhood. 
I am angry you liked seeing me in pain. 
I am angry you hated me. 
I am angry you took advantage of me. 
I am angry you brainwashed me. 
I am angry you sold me. 
I am angry that I had to become a multiple. 
I am angry that you made me use drugs. 
I am angry that you made me use alcohol. 
I am angry you put me in danger. 
I am angry you didn't take care of me. 
I am angry you left me alone. 
I am angry the people at the bar could recognize my voice.
I am angry you were inconsiderate of me and my life.
I am angry because you were greedy. 
I am angry that I feel rage towards you. 

I am angry at YOU!