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I am a woman learning to heal from past sexual, emotional, and physical abuse along with neglect. I have been diagnosised with DID and Complex PTSD both direct causes of the abuse. jazmineo1112@yahoo.com

Friday, July 27, 2012


Dear Vickie,

I am constantly haunted with wishes of "normalcy".  I am constantly wishing for a mother that loves me and cares for me unconditionally.  I am constantly wishing for a mother I can call on and tell about my day, good or bad.  I am wishing for a mother that will hold me and tell me everything will be ok.  I am wishing for a mother that wants me.  I am wishing for a mother's love. 

But I am wishing for something that has never existed and for something that will never exist. I am wishing for things that a child wants because I missed out on them as a child.   I am wishing for these things and missing out on my current life. I can't wish and long for a mother's love any longer.  I must be my own mother.  I must mother my own children. 
You could never be what I want.  You could never offer me what I need.  Why I think that you could now and couldn't when I was a child is crazy.  You  could never support me the way I need it.  You are not what I need. 

In my eyes, you are dead.  Your kidney disease has already killed you.  You are buried and dead-6 feet under.  Since you are dead, there is no reason to wish for your love.  I can't have it. You can't give it.  You are gone.

Therefore, I must tell you good bye

Good bye Vickie. 
Good bye to my wishes for a mother.
Good bye to my childhood. 
Good bye to the mother you NEVER were. 
Good bye to the mother you NEVER could have been. 
Good bye to the love I wanted from you. 
Good bye to the love you never gave me.
Good bye to my mourning you. 
Good bye to my tears. 
Good bye to my sadness. 
Good bye to my image of a mother.

Good bye forever. 


Tuesday, July 24, 2012


Why tonight of all nights is there so much noise?

I can hear so many people talking. It's confusing. I can't make out voices but I can see everyone in the house. There is so much talking I can't make out what is being said.

I know there is debate going on about who is in control inside. I know they aren't fighting. Just discussing. Which is good.

I don't want to hear it though. It's so confusing and tiring. I just want to lay down at 6PM.