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I am a woman learning to heal from past sexual, emotional, and physical abuse along with neglect. I have been diagnosised with DID and Complex PTSD both direct causes of the abuse. jazmineo1112@yahoo.com

Saturday, November 23, 2013


Just as the abuse in the home, that was condoned and forced, was never spoken of. It was just a known fact and sat in the room like a big purple elephant. 

So is the reason I was forced to watch certain TV shows. Forced to watch wildlife shows about killer animals, as I cried, she laughed. Forced to watch real life murder crime shows. Forced to watch shows on rapes. Forced to listen to this continuously, "I know many ways to plan a murder", as she described ways that she would murder "a person" and how she would get away with it. 

It was a way to exert power and fear without actually stating it. She was forcing fear on a her child to stay silent. Keeping her child closer to her, so the child won't stray.

That child is gone now. An adult has taken her place. 


Wednesday, November 20, 2013


I've been dealing with feelings (or almost no feelings) all week. 
Anger being one. 

"Depression is anger turned inward." Doc tells me. 
Trying to express my anger in the correct place. 
So, I'm fighting turning my anger inward. I'm trying to turn it outward and place it on the person(s) that deserves it. 
That's hard because I am mad at myself, the system. 

I am mad that I never stood up for myself. I never told anyone. I never ran away from it. I believed lies. I allowed my own abuse to happen. I never fought back. Or if I did, it wasn't hard enough. I didn't try to save myself. Why not? 

Why didn't I work harder? Why didn't I fight harder? Why didn't I stand up more? Why didn't I say "no, I will not lie!"? Why didn't I call the police? What stopped me? Why was there so much fear? Why didn't I save myself???

All that anger I feel towards me shouldn't be there. That anger should be sadness and tenderness for myself and my system. I do feel heartache and sadness for the others in the system but not for ME! I am the one that suppose to be the savior. That was my job and I let the system down. And for that reason, I am angry. 

Don't misunderstand. I am angry at the abusers! I am angry for everything that was done. I am angry for the fear and disfunction that was created.

 However, I don't think I can fully express/feel THAT anger until I resolve issues with myself. Until I can forgive myself and say and BELIEVE it wasn't my fault and I couldn't have saved myself. That I was a child and the adult(s) that were suppose to protect me didn't. 

I just keep telling myself "I did what I had to, to survive and stay alive."

But when will I BELIEVE myself?
When will I stop beating myself up? 



As we (my mom, her boyfriend, myself, and my brother) were getting ready for a "family" picture, I was dressing with a very sexual explicit blasting. 
As it was getting close to time to leave, "I" (Jaz) am no longer around. 
Next thing I remember, we are all in the car, adults in front and kids in back. My mom's boyfriend was mad at me and I was mad as well. 
Tears are streaming down my face-out of fear and anger. 
He is yelling at me while everyone else is quiet in the car. I start talking back and my mom cuts her eyes at me from the front seat, as if to say, "Shut up. You know how he is."
He tells me that he will "stop the car in the middle of the road, drag me out, and beat my ass if I don't shut up talking back."
So, me and my wisdom I say something smart. 
He slams on the breaks in the middle of the road, flings the door open,  flips the front seat forward, and tells me to get out. 
I sit still refusing to move. Thinking in my head, "if he wants to beat me, he will have to drag me out."
He stands outside the car for, what feels like 5 mins. Although, I'm sure it was only 30 seconds. 
He continues to run his mouth to me and I sit with my mouth closed. "Don't need any more drama", I think. 

When we get to the place to take "family pictures", they said "Daddy, you can stand in the back." 
I rolled my eyes and my mom laughed. 
Ugh...makes me sick to my stomach!


Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Note to Self

As one grows up in a household full of chaos, uncertainty, and disfunction, one believes this behavior is normal and expected in families. 

Without intervention from the disfunctionality, one grows up and, not purposefully, seeks relationships with those same functions: chaos, uncertainty, and disfunction. Because, as crazy as it sounds, it feels normal and what is accepted and expected. 

So, one, as a grown up, must actively seek relationships that seem "abnormal" but are actually normal. 
A relationship without drama. 
A relationship of love. 
A relationship of commitment. 
A relationship of mutual respect. 
A relationship of mutual and separate interests. 
A relationship of communication. 
A relationship of comfort. 
A relationship of openness. 
A relationship of honesty. 
A relationship of closeness. 
A relationship of togetherness. 

All of this sounds "great" and "wonderful" to one that grew up in a crazy home but it also sounds out of reach. 

But one must strive and reach for this relationship. It is out there. One must have faith and commitment to finding it. 

Monday, October 28, 2013


Where do I begin?  

At the beginning,
in the middle, 
at the end?  

  • Do I just blurt it out?  
  • Do I make it a story?  
  • Do I simply state facts? 
  • Do I need to add detail?  
  • Do I even know what I want to say???
So, here goes.....
 Lately, I don't know what has been happening to me.  I feel great, ecstatic, elated and then BOOM I'm out of it.  I'm not myself.  I'm like a puppet on a string.  I can't control myself, my thoughts are random (and aren't mine), and my feelings are off.  When I come back (my strings are cut), I am so confused as to what happened and why I was doing things and saying things that made no sense.

Do you know what I mean?  Does that make any sense?

Think of Pinocchio.....remember when he got caught by the puppeteer?  The puppeteer wanted him because he was a REAL, LIVE wooden puppet without strings.  But when Pinocchio got on stage the puppeteer started off with Pinocchio on strings and then cut them off to show he could perform without strings...he was a special puppet.  This is the way I feel.....

I am Pinocchio.  I am REAL. I am ALIVE.  I have NO STRINGS.  All is well....
But then something happens, the puppeteer steps in and I feel like I have strings.  I am not in control of my thoughts.  And, just like Pinocchio, I am AWARE that I am NOT in control but I can't stop it. 
Then the puppeteer cuts the strings and I feel better, like myself, but I feel confused...
  • Where did the strings come from?
  • Why were the strings there?
  • Who is the puppeteer?
  • What does the puppeteer want?
  • Why is this happening?
  • Where those thoughts REALLY my thoughts or thoughts of someone else?
 This has been happening for at least a month.  It is aggravating and it is frustrating for me!  I can't understand it.  I want my questions answered but I can't find the answers anywhere. 

Today, I was beginning to thinking it may have been Liz.  "I" (using quotations because it's possible it's the puppeteer) have been thinking a lot about my name constantly. "I" find myself drawn to the name Liz (the name of an alter).  When someone named Liz texted me, I looked at the phone and "my" immediate thought was, "Why am I texting myself?".  (Not a normal thought.)

I am just so confused, frustrated, mad, feeling used, angry, lost, mixed up, all those things plus more rolled into one.

I don't know if ANY of this makes sense to anyone reading this.  However, if it does, please help me figure this out....


Special Note to 'you':  "As frustrated, as mad, and feeling used as you feel.....I feel it 100X more!!"

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

A Nightmare or Reality

Everyone has, more than likely, had a nightmare that has woke them and left them on edge, feeling a little nervous and/or scared.

Anyone that suffers from PTSD has, more than likely, had a nightmare that has woke them and left them on edge, feeling a little nervous and/or scared.  The difference between the person with PTSD is this person has another feeling....was that my nightmare or was that reality?  Did that really happen?

And so my nightmare, or story, begins......

I am playing with some toys in the living room with a friend of mine.  My mom's boyfriend is there, with one of his friends, and they are high from drugs.  They are making fun of our toys and I am laughing at the men because they are funny when they are high, which is a normality in my life.  After a while, I can "sense" they are getting aggravated with my toys and my friend and I take them into my room. We are playing in there, for how long I am unsure.  
My mom's boyfriend comes busting into my room, his friend is gone I notice, and he is mean now, no longer funny.  I'm a little frightened and try not to show my fear.  I stand up to him.  Little 'ole me... He is aggravated I am still playing with those stupid toys. "They won't stop talking and repeating themselves", he says.  I get in his face and remind him, "you thought they were funny earlier."  (at some point my friend leaves...I look for her and she is gone)   
"Well, now I don't.  Are you talking back to me?" 
"When I want to play, you don't want me to." (again trying to stand firm and not show fear to my bully)
He snatches a few of the toys from me and throws them out.  
I take the few I have left and I make them begin the noise he hates, all at one time, all together; so, that it aggravates him off.  "I hate you," I think to myself.
He grabs the toys that are making the noises and yells, "You did that on purpose you little bitch."
"Yes, I did!", I yell back and slam my room door. 
I hear stomping and I know, "I messed up....."
He busts in my door and begins to hit me. No, not HIT me, BEAT me. Pushing, shoving, fists, open hands, whatever will hurt.  
I scream, "I'm calling the police!"
He throws me a phone, "Go ahead...."
I pick up the phone, dial a number, and through tears, and a quivering voice, I tell what happened and that I am afraid for my life.  
He snatches the phone from me, talks to the person on the line, and admits what he has done. 
"Someone is on the way to help ME," I think. 
"You better get out of here.  They are coming and they are going to arrest you," I yell.
He laughs and goes outside to get in his vehicle.  
From my window I can see what he is doing.  He is NOT leaving!! He does NOT seem scared!!! Why won't he go away!!!
The the front door opens, my SAVIOR from the phone call is here....my mom. 
She comes in and begins, "What did you do? Why is he mad? What have you done to upset him?"
He must have seen her come in because he comes back inside the house. 
I run to the door to try and block him. I'm too little; it doesn't work. 
He laughs. "The little bitch deserved this. She doesn't listen. You don't know how to raise a child." He starts in on my mom.  
I begin to scream, "I'm calling the police. you will do to jail."
He looks at me with glaring eyes...."You WILL NOT  call the police.  If you do, bad things will happen to everyone."
He is furious, angry. 
I am scared and cowering.  
He goes outside; my mom and I stand at my window and watch him.  He is getting tools.
He comes back to the front door and yells, "I'm leaving.  I'll be back. There better not be any police here when I get back. And DON'T shut this front door.  Don't you even think about locking me out."
Then he leaves. 
I run to the front door to shut it and lock him out but I get a shock.....the door has been taken off it's hinges.  I can't do anything to the door.  It is impossible to shut the door!
I begin to shake and yell for my mom, "He took the door off the hinges. We can't shut it. He will come back and hurt us."
"Shut up," she yells. "It will be fine. He will calm down. Just go to your room. I'll clean up the mess."
I can't accept that!! I run out of the house, whimpering, crying, fearing for my life.  
"When he comes back," I think to myself, "I will die.  He will kill me."  

I wake up....quivering, whimpering, scared, afraid. I am unsure where I am.  I am sure someone is about to come into my room and "get me". Feelings are taking over....this is where my THINKING vs FEELINGS needs to happen. 

I look around the room. I tell myself to calm down. I am ok. I am safe. I am in my own home.  I am the only adult in the home. I am an adult.  No one can hurt me.  I can take care of myself.  
"Get up!!" I tell myself.  "Walk around. Identify your present situation."
The clock says it's early but I can't lay back down.  I must get up and face any fear.  If I lay back down, FEELINGS will take over.  
I get up. I walk downstairs. I make a cup of coffee. I turn on lights. I turn on the TV. 

"Was this just a nightmare or was this reality that I am remembering via dream?"  PTSD thought...

I may never know....


Sunday, August 25, 2013


As I sit here tonight I cry.
Tears streaming down my face.
I have no "feeling".
Inside I "feel" nothing.
The tears are the only thing that show I have "feeling".

I am able to talk to others as though I am fine.
I am able to smile and laugh. (Although, there is no happy "feeling" inside.)
I am able to look at you in your face and you not see anything.
I am able to act "as if..." (as if, there was NEVER any pain in my life)

No one really wants to hear you. 
No one really wants to know your story.
No one really wants to hear about your sadness.
No one really wants to hear about your anger. 
No one really cares.
"You are a control freak.
You are crazy.
You are like your mother.
You need help.
You don't listen.
You don't try.
You don't want to change.
You haven't learned. 
You won't learn.
You won't listen.
You don't want this."                                                                                                      

All these negative comments being thrown at me.
How can I stay positive 100% of the time?
If I don't stay positive, then I am broken.

So, I guess I am broken.
I guess I will never rise above broken.
I am an adult that needs help.
Perhaps, it's too much help.
Perhaps, I'm not able to be helped.
Perhaps, I am too broken.

"You couldn't control your mother and
now you want to control every else.
This isn't possible.
You can't control people.
People aren't pawns in your game.
This is why you NEED therapy"
(All I hear is negative comments....)


I could very easily let this become overwhelming.
Oh, how easy it would be to slip inside.
But I will fight it.
I will carry on. 


*AMENDMENT* (8-27-13)

Although I used the words "no one", this is untrue.  The words "no one" are lies.  These lies are from my past.  They are still lies that I hear.  

People care: 
~Doc believes in me and gives me time, energy, encouragement, and confidence.
~My children are my big supporters.  They believe in me and love me!
~K. F. gives me encouragement and believes in me.
~M. H. encouraged me.
~Aunt K. is on my side and wants to "kick ass". 

Friday, August 23, 2013


So yesterdayI had a therapy appointment, 2nd one since beginning of July. (Not by choice, due to schedule issues. Doc is wonderful. Talking through text and even took a Saturday to see me. Love that lady!)

My therapy appointment went well. I felt so good when I left. I felt like I had accomplished things and began to understand ways to help myself heal. 

THOUGHTS I took away from this great session......

When a "normal" person has a memory or thinks about something in the past, the person is aware that it is a memory and it happened in the past. They may feel happy thinking about a good memory like traveling, or sad if thinking of a loved one that has passed.  However, they are aware that it is a memory and they don't "feel" like they are back in the country they visited, nor do they "feel" like they are standing by the coffin and reliving the death of a loved one. 

When a person with PTSD has a memory, they begin to "RELIVE" the memory.  The person "feels" as if they are in the same situation at that particular time in the past.  They are not "conscious" of their physical surroundings. They see their surroundings as they saw them so many years ago. There is a disconnect (blurring) between what is past and what is present.  

I have alters that are living in fear in the past. When they want to "come out" or there is a "trigger" for my brain, these alters begin to get scared.  They believe we are in the past and in present danger.  Feelings of fear, sadness, suicide, terror, etc begin to overload my brain and body and "switching" occurs-because the FEELINGS of the past over take any knowledge/THINKING of what I KNOW is presently happening. 

How this works: (example)
I am walking along a side walk and I feel a SUDDEN urge of sadness. 
I am confused.  
I think to myself, "Why am I sad? Did something happen?" 
I "look around inside the house" and I see Julie. (Internal house-how my System is divided-described in previous post).
She is sad. She begins to flood me with FEELINGS of sadness from the past. She begins to show or talk to me about the past, as though it was the present. 
I am flooded with FEELINGS and I am unable to THINK logically.  
This flood takes over my brain, the past is brought forward, I am "inside" and Julie is "outside". 
She is confused and scared. 
From the inside I try THINKING-using logic-to help her. 
I try to overwhelm the brain with THOUGHTS, the same way she overwhelmed the brain with FEELINGS. 
I talk with her. I tell her I should be out. I tell her I can protect her. I tell her she is ok and we are safe. 
Eventually, I am able to switch back with her. (May take minutes or hours) 
THINKING is in charge again.
I am left confused, because I don't know why it happened, and I am left upset, because it happened.

Therapy Revelation.......
This is a matter of

To an outsider, and sometimes to me, it seems as though "we" are separate entities.  However, "we" are ONE! We have one brain and one body.  So when an alter begins to have a flashback, or believes they are in the past, it is still my brain and body; the FEELINGS of the alter (which are really MY FEELINGS given to the alter during the trauma) have overpowered the THINKING of the brain.  

As the host of a "family" of alters, it is my job to protect, listen to, acknowledge, empathize, communicate with, maintain relationships with, empower, heal, love, comfort, and learn from "The System".  While doing all of these things, I must also maintain "MYSELF"! (Me: being part of a system but the one that must remain in charge of daily functioning.)

To accomplish all these tasks, I must stay in the present and not become overwhelmed with FEELINGS. I must use thinking, logic, and reason to stay "out" and keep "The System"  in order. 

My THINKING must be constant in times when FEELINGS want to overwhelm "The System":

~I must constantly THINK of where I am and what my surroundings are.  This will help enable my brain to see the present. 

~When I begin to have FEELINGS, I must not THINK of the FEELINGS.  Instead I must THINK and repeat over and over, "This is a memory. It is not happening. I am in the present." 

~When I THINK of the present, I can use tactile things in the environment to help with this logical THINKING. 

~THINKING MUST come first. 

~FEELINGS should never lead. 

"Easier said than done", is my first THOUGHT!
"In order to change and be productive, these actions must occur", is my second THOUGHT.
"No one said change is easy, but living in the past is counterproductive and will NOT work", was my third and final THOUGHT.

New way of taking care of "The System", ruling by THOUGHTS and logic. NOT FEELINGS!! Acknowledging their FEELINGS but not letting them rule!!

So, here goes nothing....jumping in with faith knowing The Lord will guide me and YOU will be at the shore encouraging me the WHOLE time. "Come on", YOU say.  "It's better on this side. I PROMISE you that!!"


*Note: As I write this blog entry, I find a direct quote from Doc on this issue of FEELINGS vs THINKING.  Her timing could not have been more perfect!

"View your mind as a container. The contents of the container determine how we function. We have the ability to filter what we allow in and what we keep out of our containers. I make it a practice of purposefully doing this. It's a necessity. There's lots of badness and negativity that I choose to ignore. Sometimes I just want to be silly and only entertain such things. There are other times that I allow myself to grieve, look at photos and cry me a river. Use your own strategies. Make your own choices. However, I do encourage great care in what you allow in to your thought process. It can make a great deal of difference in the happiness of your lives. The main thing is for the THINKER and not FEELER to remain in control. For any of you that know about 'THE CIRCLES' (TA Theory), it's the ADULT part of ourselves and not the INNER CHILD part of ourselves, remaining in control." -Doc

Friday, July 19, 2013

Feelings Brought Up

As you may or may not know, my mother sold me to men for various types of "compensation" beginning as a young child and ending when I left home. 

Today I learned of a man in my home town that was caught attempting to buy a child with any type of disability for sex. What type of person would do such a thing?....a sociopath. Someone without feelings towards others. Someone without sympathy or empathy. No way for them to relate to anyone. 

These people are amongst us daily. They are our neighbors, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, or family members. You must protect yourself and your family from these people. 

In news, the man was looking for a "single mother". People like him know that single mothers with young children are more likely to be victimized. That doesn't mean that other children aren't victimized. Nor does it mean that single mothers don't protect their children. It simply means there is a higher chance of victimization of children to single mothers. (I am a single mother with young children. Knowing this fact, I even more vigilant with my daughters.)

This news story reports that due to Shaniya's Law, they were able to arrest and charge this man with a crime. 
Shaniya Davis was a 5 year old child that died a few years ago. Her mother sold her to a man for drugs. The man took her to a hotel in a nearby city, raped and murdered her. Then he dumped her body on the side of the road like an animal. 
Although her murder was senseless, it was not in vain. It has stopped at least one child that would have been abused by this man! 

Shaniya Davis is always in my thoughts. I knew that could have been me. I survived for a reason. I survived to speak up and speak out for victims that couldn't or can't speak for themselves. 

How can we stop child abuse, child prostitution, and human trafficking? 
If you know of any abuse, don't let it go unreported. YOU may be a child's only voice! Their only way out of the hell they are living! 
No one spoke up for me. Everyone swept it under a rug. No one reported anything. Don't allow it to happen to someone else!
Be a child's voice!
Be a child's advocate!
Don't let another child be abused because YOU are scared or YOU don't want to get involved!
Imagine the child's fear he/she lives with EVERYDAY!
You may be a child's only hope!



Tuesday, July 2, 2013


Where to start?

I am not sure about integration. I am not sure how it works, what you are suppose to feel, what you are suppose to go through, or anything about it. But I think it's happening between myself and Stephanie (the girls' mom). 

I've noticed within the past month or so when the girls go to their dad's for the weekend, I am at a loss without them. I miss them terribly and constantly wonder about them. At night I sleep with something that reminds me of them, so I feel that they are close to me. 
The bond between us is getting stronger. 

This past weekend I couldn't wait to pick them up and see them. I just wanted to hug them and tell them how much I missed them and love them. I didn't want to be without them, and I knew I would be leaving early Monday morning, so I had them sleep with me-just to be close to them. 
I just can't get enough of them! 

I have never liked children nor cared to be around children. I would run the opposite way when children were around. I didn't like being in their presence. So this change in behavior is DRASTIC! 

With my first daughter I had a C-section. I was never able to see the scar until around a month ago. I am beginning to recall certain things of their births and infancy. The "memories" are faint and few but they are coming slowly. I am so happy to receive the "memories". 

I'm not sure what all this means or how to take everything. I'm not even sure this means integration.  
(I won't see Doc, my therapist, for another 30 days!!)

Any thoughts, similar situations, advice, etc is greatly needed/appreciated. 



Dear Mom

Dear Mom,
Why did you hurt me? 
Why did you laugh when I cried?
Did you enjoy seeing your daughter in pain?
Why did you tell me it was better if I wasn't around?
Did you despise me that much?
Would you have preferred that I was never born?
Why did you not spend time with me?
Why did you leave me alone?
Why did you not protect me?
Why did you sell me for your greed?

For all of these things I am angry. 
I am angry you hurt me. 
I am angry you preferred that I wasn't around. 
I am angry you didn't spend time with me. 
I am angry that you did not protect me. 
I am angry that you laughed when I cried. 
I am angry you made me watch things I did not like. 
I am angry you didn't love me. 
I am angry I didn't have a happy childhood. 
I am angry you liked seeing me in pain. 
I am angry you hated me. 
I am angry you took advantage of me. 
I am angry you brainwashed me. 
I am angry you sold me. 
I am angry that I had to become a multiple. 
I am angry that you made me use drugs. 
I am angry that you made me use alcohol. 
I am angry you put me in danger. 
I am angry you didn't take care of me. 
I am angry you left me alone. 
I am angry the people at the bar could recognize my voice.
I am angry you were inconsiderate of me and my life.
I am angry because you were greedy. 
I am angry that I feel rage towards you. 

I am angry at YOU!

Monday, June 10, 2013

Reaching My Destination

As I typed that previous entry, there was a song stuck in my head.  I couldn't remember the words but I knew it talked about reaching a destination.  So here it is......

The River by Garth Brooks 
(click the title to hear the song-it will take you to another page)
(it might have an advertisement at the beginning...sorry :-/


 You know a dream is like a riv­er
Ev­er changin' as it flows
And a dream­er's just a ves­sel
That must fol­low where it goes
Try­ing to learn from what's be­hind you
And nev­er know­ing what's in store
Makes each day a con­stant bat­tle
Just to stay be­tween the shores

I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry
Like a bird up­on the wind
These wa­ters are my sky
I'll nev­er reach my des­ti­na­tion
If I nev­er try
So I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the wa­ters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til to­mor­row
Has now be­come to­day
So don't you sit up­on the shore­line
And say you're sat­is­fied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide

I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry
Like a bird up­on the wind
These wa­ters are my sky
I'll nev­er reach my des­ti­na­tion
If I nev­er try
So I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry

There's bound to be rough wa­ters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my cap­tain
I can make it through them all

I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry
Like a bird up­on the wind
These wa­ters are my sky
I'll nev­er reach my des­ti­na­tion
If I nev­er try
So I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry Yes, I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry
'Til the riv­er runs dry

Diary Entry Response

Dear Me,

This past weekend was rough.  I am glad that you were able to find an outlet and journal online.  It was very helpful.  It helps me see my thinking when I'm not thinking clearly.  When my brain feels "cloudy" and I can't think or focus on anything. 
My feelings/thoughts this weekend:
  • cloudy mind
  • suicidal ideation
  • Satan chasing me
  • I was running from death
  • if I was to focus on anything besides staying alive, I would fall or stumble
  • If I fell or stumbled, I would have "lost time" and may have died
  • there was nothing I could do
  • Staying a step ahead of death was my only option
  • I had no medication
  • I could find no LOGICAL reason for crying, being upset, suicide
  • I could not focus on positive (not because I didn't see any, because if I did I would take my thoughts off of staying ahead of death, and then I would fall)
  • my girls kept me alive
  • not wanting to continue the legacy of abuse kept me alive
  • not wanting to let the abusers win kept me alive
I was able to keep my head above water.  I was able to maintain some sense of being and living.  This is something positive for me to look at.  Every day that I am here is another victory! Another day that the abusers didn't win. Another day that I am alive and here for my children!

You and Me
I was helped this weekend by a CARING and LOVING soul,while they marched the last part of their 5K unsure they would finish.  The 5K was a special event for this person.  It was a battle they were determined to win.  They have a special reason for completing that 5K.  Not just to say they did it, but for a VERY special person in their life.  However, while they marched, they were texting me.  Not wanting to give up on their race, but not wanting to give up on me either.  This person took the time and energy to help me.  Energy that was depleting them from their goal-but NEVER giving up.  This person has not given up on me.  This person has shown me what UNCONDITIONAL love means.  This person is also to be recognized for my success this weekend.  You are an EXTRA SPECIAL person.  I truly love you!  You hold a special place in my heart that NO ONE can/will replace. You are MY angel on earth-placed in my path at various times for various reasons.

Some things I realized and tweeted on today: (referring to DID)
  • We fight a battle and we feel alone. But in reality we have a force with us always.  Sometimes they are with us and sometimes they are against us.  But they are there regardless. 
  • But they are always there-like siblings.  And like siblings, we have to learn to get along while being in each other's spaces. 
  • This calls for MUTUAL respect, caring, and understanding from everyone. 
  • This is needed for healing!
I know you are at the shore reaching out...I'm reaching back!  
I am on a healing journey.  With the help of God, Doc, and myself, I will continue on my journey to healing.  I will reach my destination.  It has not been easy.  Nor will it be easy in the future.  But with support (including my reader's support) I will make it.  I will win this battle.  I will finish this journey.


Friday, June 7, 2013

Diary Entry

Switching is eminent.  It is in the near future.  I feel so sad, so scared.  I just want to cry and scream and run and stay and fight and yell.  What do I do?  How do I handle this?

I just want to be alone.  I don't want anyone around. Tears streaming down my face as I sit. I can't do this but I have to.

Everyone is fighting against me.  Everyone wants me to fail.  Everyone wants me to fall down on my face.

Elizabeth-"Just take the whole bottle of sleeping pills.  You won't have live like this anymore.  A gun would work fine as well.  Just end it now" (I can see the bullet going through my head, into my brain, and lodging in my skull.)

Jason-"Just have a drink. Drown everything away and out. Have fun and enjoy it.  Get rid of your problems."

Elizabeth-"But they will be there in the morning.  My way is the best.  Problems are gone forever and ever.  No more suffering."

All I can do is imagine my children with no mother and no real understanding or explanation of why.  Why their mother left them? Why their mother didn't love them?  Why their mother was so screwed up?

I will mess them up and they will have fucked up childhoods and need therapy.  It will be the legacy continued.  The abusers win this way.  But what am I to do?

It's so hard to fight. To fight ALONE! I have no one to talk to. No one that can relate. No one that can help.  Therapy is few and far between.  (Not that she doesn't try, because she works hard for me, day and night--everyday) But ultimately, I'm alone.  I have no one to talk to.  Just to tell my feelings to. Just to explain my thoughts. Just to take my mind off of things for a bit. 

(Elizabeth interjects now, "Just die.")

Is that it? Is that my only option out of this mess I'm in? To leave this world?

I feel things are moving slow right now. In slow motion. I took 3 sleeping pills hoping the effects would set in FAST and LAST! 

(Elizabeth interjects now, "There are more in the bottle.  Just finish them off.  They won't hurt you. Just do it.")

What do I do?
How do I react?
How do I respond?

Monday, April 22, 2013

New Journaling

Since I have been "out" I have denied alters and ignored them. This is not the best way to deal with DID.
As long as I feel fine, then I can deny them. (In my mind)
But they never leave. They are always here with me. They are always taking my feelings when anxiety comes.

Therefore, I'm going to take the opportunity to begin a new journey.

I'm going to take the blog and begin to journal and take note of my feelings and their feelings as well.

Please continue to follow me as I begin to acknowledge the alters and their purpose. As this will be difficult and a long process.