Doc has always been a steady, positive person in my life for two years. She keeps me on the path to the place I need to be. She stands on the shore and calls out for me to swim hard to get to her, to see the revelation. She always pushes me to be the best person I can be for myself, my children, and my alters. Her encouraging words and positive attitude never falters. Sometimes, she would say, "You just don't get it and I can't make you get it. You have to want it for yourself. You have to get it on your own!"
I always understood her words. I understood what she meant. I could comprehend the sentences. However, it never "clicked". It was like she was giving me all these puzzle pieces and, separately, I understood everything she was saying. And I couldn't figure out why Doc would say, "You don't get it. You don't understand." It was because the puzzle pieces weren't fitting together. I could understand them separately but never fit them together.
But last night I finally did!! I put the puzzle pieces together and saw the WHOLE picture. Everything she has been saying and pushing me towards made sense. I got it!!
Due to our ritualistic sexual abuse as a child, we grew up thinking sex was how you should closeness, togetherness, intimacy, and love. So, when we look for those characteristics in relationships, we look for sex. All of those characteristics, closeness, love, togetherness, and intimacy, were lacking from our mother and family. Those characteristics are what we always search for in relationships. However, we attribute them to sex. So when we married, we ended up marrying a sex addict because that's what we thought was normal and true love. We thought by continuously having sex, we were showing our love and being close with our spouse. However, this way of thinking is inaccurate and stems from our past. It also continues the abuse.
A true relationship, one that has closeness, love, intimacy, and togetherness, is NOT based on sex. It is based on a mutual respect for each other. It is based on sharing common interests and being able to talk with a person. It is enjoying each others company and being with each other. Something I never learned. Something Doc was trying to teach me and push me toward understanding.
Due to my inaccurate view of relationships, I need to work harder on building and establishing HEALTHY relationships. I need to focus on developing and maintaining relationships based on shared interests not SEX. By developing new healthy relationships, I can have the thing I have always longed for and missed-closeness, togetherness, love, trust, understanding, and intimacy. These healthy friendships will lead to a deeper understanding of myself and help me heal.
My thought process has been distorted from my past. The abuse caused the distorted view of sex and togetherness.
This is NOT an immediate thing. It will NOT be an immediate fix. This is a process. I have to start at the beginning and learn new skills. I have to work forward and work toward a positive, healthy future. This will be something different. Something I've never had before.
Before, I have felt like an alien in people's presence. I felt different and as though I didn't fit in. I didn't feel "normal". I now don't care about that. I am in this world for myself and I must heal. This requires me to do things differently. Be a different person than I have been in the past. Look to the future with a different outlook. Stop looking for sex as closeness and look for enjoyment in life.
I do feel like a different person. I have a new outlook on life. I have a new perspective of life and relationships. I am understanding more of what Doc has always been saying and pushing me toward. I will "Make It Happen". I will heal from the past and grow. I will develop new and healthy relationships.
"I got this!"
Jaz
