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I am a woman learning to heal from past sexual, emotional, and physical abuse along with neglect. I have been diagnosised with DID and Complex PTSD both direct causes of the abuse. jazmineo1112@yahoo.com

Thursday, June 21, 2012


So as Jaz I have no memory of having my children.  I don't remember being pregnant with them or giving birth to them.  Nor do I remember them growing up until, perhaps, a year ago.  Stephanie holds these memories.  It is very difficult to be attached to them because of this.

I never liked kids.  They were annoying and drove me crazy.  I couldn't stand whining and complaining.  I couldn't stand to hear children constantly ask for things.  I couldn't stand it.

Then I became the host, out all of the time, and had to deal with children that called me mommy and wanted something from me all the time.  It was hard.

People told me I was lucky.  I may not have a family that consists of MY mother and father but I have my own children that I can make new memories with and start my own, NEW family.  However, people just didn't understand that I didn't bond with my children.  I didn't feel that way.

It hurt me deeply that I felt this way about these children.  I knew they loved me and I felt I should love them but I just didn't know how.  I was having a mini "pity party".

The only person that knew any of these feelings were Doc.  I was too scared to share them with anyone else.  I was scared that something might happen to the children.  What if someone took them away? I couldn't let that happen....

Doc finally explained it in a way that made sense to me and got me thinking.  True that I may not remember pregnancy and birth but there are mothers that don't go through pregnancy and childbirth.  They adopt children.  So I need to think of myself as adopting my own children. 

Well, to me, that made perfect sense.  I may not have those memories but that doesn't mean I can't LEARN to love them.

So, I did my best.  I began really working towards getting to know them as individuals. Getting to know their strengths and weaknesses.  I wanted to know everything about them.  I wanted to spend time with them.  I wanted to be with them and love them for who they are. 

Over time it began to work.  I am learning that, although my memories are not there, I can love them anyway.  I can make new memories with them and show them that I love and care for them like no one else in the world can.

I can show them a MOTHER'S LOVE!!


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