Integration

Where to start?

I am not sure about integration. I am not sure how it works, what you are suppose to feel, what you are suppose to go through, or anything about it. But I think it's happening between myself and Stephanie (the girls' mom). 

I've noticed within the past month or so when the girls go to their dad's for the weekend, I am at a loss without them. I miss them terribly and constantly wonder about them. At night I sleep with something that reminds me of them, so I feel that they are close to me. 

The bond between us is getting stronger. 

This past weekend I couldn't wait to pick them up and see them. I just wanted to hug them and tell them how much I missed them and love them. I didn't want to be without them, and I knew I would be leaving early Monday morning, so I had them sleep with me-just to be close to them. 

I just can't get enough of them! 

I have never liked children nor cared to be around children. I would run the opposite way when children were around. I didn't like being in their presence. So this change in behavior is DRASTIC! 

With my first daughter I had a C-section. I was never able to see the scar until around a month ago. I am beginning to recall certain things of their births and infancy. The "memories" are faint and few but they are coming slowly. I am so happy to receive the "memories". 

I'm not sure what all this means or how to take everything. I'm not even sure this means integration.  

(I won't see Doc, my therapist, for another 30 days!!)

Any thoughts, similar situations, advice, etc is greatly needed/appreciated. 

Thanks, 

Jaz

Goodbye

Dear Vickie,

I am constantly haunted with wishes of "normalcy".  I am constantly wishing for a mother that loves me and cares for me unconditionally.  I am constantly wishing for a mother I can call on and tell about my day, good or bad.  I am wishing for a mother that will hold me and tell me everything will be ok.  I am wishing for a mother that wants me.  I am wishing for a mother's love. 

But I am wishing for something that has never existed and for something that will never exist. I am wishing for things that a child wants because I missed out on them as a child.   I am wishing for these things and missing out on my current life. I can't wish and long for a mother's love any longer.  I must be my own mother.  I must mother my own children. 
 
You could never be what I want.  You could never offer me what I need.  Why I think that you could now and couldn't when I was a child is crazy.  You  could never support me the way I need it.  You are not what I need. 

In my eyes, you are dead.  Your kidney disease has already killed you.  You are buried and dead-6 feet under.  Since you are dead, there is no reason to wish for your love.  I can't have it. You can't give it.  You are gone.


Therefore, I must tell you good bye. 

Good bye Vickie. 
Good bye to my wishes for a mother.
Good bye to my childhood. 
Good bye to the mother you NEVER were. 
Good bye to the mother you NEVER could have been. 
Good bye to the love I wanted from you. 
Good bye to the love you never gave me.
Good bye to my mourning you. 
Good bye to my tears. 
Good bye to my sadness. 
Good bye to my image of a mother.



Good bye forever. 

Jaz

Adoption

So as Jaz I have no memory of having my children.  I don't remember being pregnant with them or giving birth to them.  Nor do I remember them growing up until, perhaps, a year ago.  Stephanie holds these memories.  It is very difficult to be attached to them because of this.

I never liked kids.  They were annoying and drove me crazy.  I couldn't stand whining and complaining.  I couldn't stand to hear children constantly ask for things.  I couldn't stand it.

Then I became the host, out all of the time, and had to deal with children that called me mommy and wanted something from me all the time.  It was hard.

People told me I was lucky.  I may not have a family that consists of MY mother and father but I have my own children that I can make new memories with and start my own, NEW family.  However, people just didn't understand that I didn't bond with my children.  I didn't feel that way.

It hurt me deeply that I felt this way about these children.  I knew they loved me and I felt I should love them but I just didn't know how.  I was having a mini "pity party".

The only person that knew any of these feelings were Doc.  I was too scared to share them with anyone else.  I was scared that something might happen to the children.  What if someone took them away? I couldn't let that happen....

Doc finally explained it in a way that made sense to me and got me thinking.  True that I may not remember pregnancy and birth but there are mothers that don't go through pregnancy and childbirth.  They adopt children.  So I need to think of myself as adopting my own children. 

Well, to me, that made perfect sense.  I may not have those memories but that doesn't mean I can't LEARN to love them.

So, I did my best.  I began really working towards getting to know them as individuals. Getting to know their strengths and weaknesses.  I wanted to know everything about them.  I wanted to spend time with them.  I wanted to be with them and love them for who they are. 

Over time it began to work.  I am learning that, although my memories are not there, I can love them anyway.  I can make new memories with them and show them that I love and care for them like no one else in the world can.

I can show them a MOTHER'S LOVE!!

Jaz