Father's Day

What does Father's Day mean to me?

I wrote about Mother's Day and how it affects me.  However, Father's Day doesn't affect me the same way.

As a child that grew up in an abusive home, I blame my mother for the abuse that was done to me.  She is the one that allowed it to happen.  She is the one that sold me.  She is the one that didn't protect me.

But what about my father?  What do I blame him for?

I don't blame him for anything.  I have never seen my biological father.  Not even in a photograph.  I do not know what he looks like, sounds like, walks like, etc.  He could be standing next to me in a grocery store and I would never know.  This is all my mother's doing. She did not tell him about me.  She did not tell him that I was alive until I was 17.

Could things have been different?

As a teenager, I would fantasize about my father coming and taking me from the abuse.  I would yell out at my mother and her boyfriends how if my father was around, he wouldn't let any of this bad stuff happen.

Fantasy?

Perhaps I was living in a fantasy world.  Perhaps if he would have known about me sooner, he would have wanted something to do with me.  Because once she asked him for child support, when I was 17, he could have had something to do with me but he didn't.

Celebrating?

I never celebrated Father's Day before.  I didn't have a father to celebrate with and I definitely wasn't celebrating with the abusers.  So, this year I decided to make a new tradition. I would celebrate.  I would celebrate my life.  Celebrate me.  I went shopping and bought myself presents for Father's Day.  It was wonderful.  This will definitely be a new tradition for myself.
Shopping, Ice cream, and dinner. 

I hope that you did something fun this Father's Day.  Whether it was for someone else or for yourself.

Jaz