Thinking

Just as the abuse in the home, that was condoned and forced, was never spoken of. It was just a known fact and sat in the room like a big purple elephant. 

So is the reason I was forced to watch certain TV shows. Forced to watch wildlife shows about killer animals, as I cried, she laughed. Forced to watch real life murder crime shows. Forced to watch shows on rapes. Forced to listen to this continuously, "I know many ways to plan a murder", as she described ways that she would murder "a person" and how she would get away with it. 

It was a way to exert power and fear without actually stating it. She was forcing fear on a her child to stay silent. Keeping her child closer to her, so the child won't stray.

That child is gone now. An adult has taken her place. 

Jaz

Anger

I've been dealing with feelings (or almost no feelings) all week. 

Anger being one. 

"Depression is anger turned inward." Doc tells me. 

Trying to express my anger in the correct place. 

So, I'm fighting turning my anger inward. I'm trying to turn it outward and place it on the person(s) that deserves it. 

That's hard because I am mad at myself, the system. 

I am mad that I never stood up for myself. I never told anyone. I never ran away from it. I believed lies. I allowed my own abuse to happen. I never fought back. Or if I did, it wasn't hard enough. I didn't try to save myself. Why not? 

Why didn't I work harder? Why didn't I fight harder? Why didn't I stand up more? Why didn't I say "no, I will not lie!"? Why didn't I call the police? What stopped me? Why was there so much fear? Why didn't I save myself???

All that anger I feel towards me shouldn't be there. That anger should be sadness and tenderness for myself and my system. I do feel heartache and sadness for the others in the system but not for ME! I am the one that suppose to be the savior. That was my job and I let the system down. And for that reason, I am angry. 

Don't misunderstand. I am angry at the abusers! I am angry for everything that was done. I am angry for the fear and disfunction that was created.

 However, I don't think I can fully express/feel THAT anger until I resolve issues with myself. Until I can forgive myself and say and BELIEVE it wasn't my fault and I couldn't have saved myself. That I was a child and the adult(s) that were suppose to protect me didn't. 

I just keep telling myself "I did what I had to, to survive and stay alive."

But when will I BELIEVE myself?

When will I stop beating myself up? 

Jaz

Remembering

As we (my mom, her boyfriend, myself, and my brother) were getting ready for a "family" picture, I was dressing with a very sexual explicit blasting. 

As it was getting close to time to leave, "I" (Jaz) am no longer around. 

Next thing I remember, we are all in the car, adults in front and kids in back. My mom's boyfriend was mad at me and I was mad as well. 

Tears are streaming down my face-out of fear and anger. 

He is yelling at me while everyone else is quiet in the car. I start talking back and my mom cuts her eyes at me from the front seat, as if to say, "Shut up. You know how he is."

He tells me that he will "stop the car in the middle of the road, drag me out, and beat my ass if I don't shut up talking back."

So, me and my wisdom I say something smart. 

He slams on the breaks in the middle of the road, flings the door open,  flips the front seat forward, and tells me to get out. 

I sit still refusing to move. Thinking in my head, "if he wants to beat me, he will have to drag me out."

He stands outside the car for, what feels like 5 mins. Although, I'm sure it was only 30 seconds. 

He continues to run his mouth to me and I sit with my mouth closed. "Don't need any more drama", I think. 

When we get to the place to take "family pictures", they said "Daddy, you can stand in the back." 

I rolled my eyes and my mom laughed. 

Ugh...makes me sick to my stomach!

Jaz

Note to Self

As one grows up in a household full of chaos, uncertainty, and disfunction, one believes this behavior is normal and expected in families. 

Without intervention from the disfunctionality, one grows up and, not purposefully, seeks relationships with those same functions: chaos, uncertainty, and disfunction. Because, as crazy as it sounds, it feels normal and what is accepted and expected. 

So, one, as a grown up, must actively seek relationships that seem "abnormal" but are actually normal. 

A relationship without drama. 

A relationship of love. 

A relationship of commitment. 

A relationship of mutual respect. 

A relationship of mutual and separate interests. 

A relationship of communication. 

A relationship of comfort. 

A relationship of openness. 

A relationship of honesty. 

A relationship of closeness. 

A relationship of togetherness. 

All of this sounds "great" and "wonderful" to one that grew up in a crazy home but it also sounds out of reach. 

But one must strive and reach for this relationship. It is out there. One must have faith and commitment to finding it.