Anger

I've been dealing with feelings (or almost no feelings) all week. 

Anger being one. 

"Depression is anger turned inward." Doc tells me. 

Trying to express my anger in the correct place. 

So, I'm fighting turning my anger inward. I'm trying to turn it outward and place it on the person(s) that deserves it. 

That's hard because I am mad at myself, the system. 

I am mad that I never stood up for myself. I never told anyone. I never ran away from it. I believed lies. I allowed my own abuse to happen. I never fought back. Or if I did, it wasn't hard enough. I didn't try to save myself. Why not? 

Why didn't I work harder? Why didn't I fight harder? Why didn't I stand up more? Why didn't I say "no, I will not lie!"? Why didn't I call the police? What stopped me? Why was there so much fear? Why didn't I save myself???

All that anger I feel towards me shouldn't be there. That anger should be sadness and tenderness for myself and my system. I do feel heartache and sadness for the others in the system but not for ME! I am the one that suppose to be the savior. That was my job and I let the system down. And for that reason, I am angry. 

Don't misunderstand. I am angry at the abusers! I am angry for everything that was done. I am angry for the fear and disfunction that was created.

 However, I don't think I can fully express/feel THAT anger until I resolve issues with myself. Until I can forgive myself and say and BELIEVE it wasn't my fault and I couldn't have saved myself. That I was a child and the adult(s) that were suppose to protect me didn't. 

I just keep telling myself "I did what I had to, to survive and stay alive."

But when will I BELIEVE myself?

When will I stop beating myself up? 

Jaz