Wednesday, May 9, 2012
I began to cry. I couldn't stop crying. I was sobbing and hated my mom in that instant. I hated the fact that I will NEVER have a mother that loves and cares for me. I will NEVER know that bond between a mother and a child, on the child end.
After crying and talking to Doc, I tried to go to sleep but nightmares haunted my sleep. I would be dreaming about abuse and, right before I was hit or raped, I would be jolted out of my sleep. Sitting straight up in the bed. It was like the pain from the nightmare caused me to wake up. I couldn't sleep.
Eventually my youngest daughter came and got in the bed with me. When she did, my dreams changed to positive dreams. I began to dream that I was part of a family and I was loved. I knew the family and they accepted me for who I am loved me unconditionally. It was a great dream that lasted about 30 minutes. However, today I am still exhausted. I only got around 3 hours of sleep last night.
Doc says that there are women that want and need daughters and I will find someone that loves and cares for me unconditionally. I am hoping she is right. Although, at times I am skeptical. But I guess this comes from my abusive past. I was raised thinking no one would ever love me. It will take a lot of thought process changing to show me that there are people with unconditional love.
Hoping that I can continue on my road to recovery and succeed in life!