I began to cry. I couldn't stop crying. I was sobbing and hated my mom in that instant. I hated the fact that I will NEVER have a mother that loves and cares for me. I will NEVER know that bond between a mother and a child, on the child end.
After crying and talking to Doc, I tried to go to sleep but nightmares haunted my sleep. I would be dreaming about abuse and, right before I was hit or raped, I would be jolted out of my sleep. Sitting straight up in the bed. It was like the pain from the nightmare caused me to wake up. I couldn't sleep.
Eventually my youngest daughter came and got in the bed with me. When she did, my dreams changed to positive dreams. I began to dream that I was part of a family and I was loved. I knew the family and they accepted me for who I am loved me unconditionally. It was a great dream that lasted about 30 minutes. However, today I am still exhausted. I only got around 3 hours of sleep last night.
Doc says that there are women that want and need daughters and I will find someone that loves and cares for me unconditionally. I am hoping she is right. Although, at times I am skeptical. But I guess this comes from my abusive past. I was raised thinking no one would ever love me. It will take a lot of thought process changing to show me that there are people with unconditional love.
Hoping that I can continue on my road to recovery and succeed in life!
Jaz
Oh there is unconditional Love out there, and there is some who will love you unconditionally!! Don't doubt that. The Unfortunite part is, your mother was a part of your life. Your Father was not. ( in a way, it's almost better to Not have then to be abused) because you can not miss what you never had. You can maybe "miss" what you hear from others, and what thier life is like, but it's not the same. If your mother had not raised you, and abused you, you would not miss that love, because someone else would have filled that void, like a foster parent, or adoptive parent. You don't yearn for your father, or know of his loss, because you never had him to loose him. Nor did u have him abuse you, so in a way he was an invisible knight in shining armor. But it does not hurt as much, as having a mother who was there, but who did all but kill you. That hurts, that is emotion with scars So deep, you did not have enough tissue to cover your scars, so others came to help cover your Deep wounds. As you get older, wiser, and continue your therapy, you will heal, never really understanding the depth of mental illness it takes to hurt your own child, never understanding the total lack of emotion, remorse, feeling, or compation Vickey had. I don't think anyone truly can understand it, Drs. Try to treat it, they no there is nothing inside that will change that person to make them "feel". They don't feel. They don't hurt, they are living Voids just doing what give Them momentary pleasure. Everything they do is momentary for them, and a lifetime for you sadly. They will never understand what they did was wrong, u would like to believe some how, someway you could beat them over the head until they felt your pain, or acknowledged your pain. But that is a waste of your energy. I know, that for a fact.
ReplyDeleteI chose not to forgive or forget, some say that is wrong, and destroys only me. No, I don't believe that. I believe If I forgive or forget, that diminishes what happened to me. If someone did the most wonderful, beautiful thing for you, that you thought would Never ever happen in this lifetime. Would u forget? Would u want to forget that? No, you allow yourself the joy of remembering what a beautiful thing. In the other respect, if you never allow yourself to be angry, and try to bury atrocities that will create a unseen firestorm inside you, that your told to move on from. Your told to put away? Not talk about?
That of course is only My personal feelings. I live them. So please don't take what I say personally, or think I'm telling you how to feel. Or purport to know how anyone should feel or not feel.
You Jazzy are a most courages woman, and 1000times more so then me. To "Adopt" your children, is one of the most loving, giving, unselfish acts I can think of. I just say if you have moments of despair , anger, pity, sadness...don't punish yourself more for that..haven't you been punished ENOUGH?!
You are wonderful, and a great friend.
Liz