Beginning...Middle...End

Where do I begin?  

At the beginning,

in the middle, 

at the end?  

• Do I just blurt it out?  
• Do I make it a story?  
• Do I simply state facts? 
• Do I need to add detail?  
• Do I even know what I want to say???

So, here goes.....
 Lately, I don't know what has been happening to me.  I feel great, ecstatic, elated and then BOOM I'm out of it.  I'm not myself.  I'm like a puppet on a string.  I can't control myself, my thoughts are random (and aren't mine), and my feelings are off.  When I come back (my strings are cut), I am so confused as to what happened and why I was doing things and saying things that made no sense.

Do you know what I mean?  Does that make any sense?

Think of Pinocchio.....remember when he got caught by the puppeteer?  The puppeteer wanted him because he was a REAL, LIVE wooden puppet without strings.  But when Pinocchio got on stage the puppeteer started off with Pinocchio on strings and then cut them off to show he could perform without strings...he was a special puppet.  This is the way I feel.....

I am Pinocchio.  I am REAL. I am ALIVE.  I have NO STRINGS.  All is well....
But then something happens, the puppeteer steps in and I feel like I have strings.  I am not in control of my thoughts.  And, just like Pinocchio, I am AWARE that I am NOT in control but I can't stop it. 
Then the puppeteer cuts the strings and I feel better, like myself, but I feel confused...

• Where did the strings come from?
• Why were the strings there?
• Who is the puppeteer?
• What does the puppeteer want?
• Why is this happening?
• Where those thoughts REALLY my thoughts or thoughts of someone else?

 This has been happening for at least a month.  It is aggravating and it is frustrating for me!  I can't understand it.  I want my questions answered but I can't find the answers anywhere. 

Today, I was beginning to thinking it may have been Liz.  "I" (using quotations because it's possible it's the puppeteer) have been thinking a lot about my name constantly. "I" find myself drawn to the name Liz (the name of an alter).  When someone named Liz texted me, I looked at the phone and "my" immediate thought was, "Why am I texting myself?".  (Not a normal thought.)

I am just so confused, frustrated, mad, feeling used, angry, lost, mixed up, all those things plus more rolled into one.

I don't know if ANY of this makes sense to anyone reading this.  However, if it does, please help me figure this out....

Jaz


Special Note to 'you':  "As frustrated, as mad, and feeling used as you feel.....I feel it 100X more!!"

A Nightmare or Reality

Everyone has, more than likely, had a nightmare that has woke them and left them on edge, feeling a little nervous and/or scared.

Anyone that suffers from PTSD has, more than likely, had a nightmare that has woke them and left them on edge, feeling a little nervous and/or scared.  The difference between the person with PTSD is this person has another feeling....was that my nightmare or was that reality?  Did that really happen?

And so my nightmare, or story, begins......

I am playing with some toys in the living room with a friend of mine.  My mom's boyfriend is there, with one of his friends, and they are high from drugs.  They are making fun of our toys and I am laughing at the men because they are funny when they are high, which is a normality in my life.  After a while, I can "sense" they are getting aggravated with my toys and my friend and I take them into my room. We are playing in there, for how long I am unsure.  
My mom's boyfriend comes busting into my room, his friend is gone I notice, and he is mean now, no longer funny.  I'm a little frightened and try not to show my fear.  I stand up to him.  Little 'ole me... He is aggravated I am still playing with those stupid toys. "They won't stop talking and repeating themselves", he says.  I get in his face and remind him, "you thought they were funny earlier."  (at some point my friend leaves...I look for her and she is gone)   
"Well, now I don't.  Are you talking back to me?" 
"When I want to play, you don't want me to." (again trying to stand firm and not show fear to my bully)
He snatches a few of the toys from me and throws them out.  
I take the few I have left and I make them begin the noise he hates, all at one time, all together; so, that it aggravates him off.  "I hate you," I think to myself.
He grabs the toys that are making the noises and yells, "You did that on purpose you little bitch."
"Yes, I did!", I yell back and slam my room door. 
I hear stomping and I know, "I messed up....."
He busts in my door and begins to hit me. No, not HIT me, BEAT me. Pushing, shoving, fists, open hands, whatever will hurt.  
I scream, "I'm calling the police!"
He throws me a phone, "Go ahead...."
I pick up the phone, dial a number, and through tears, and a quivering voice, I tell what happened and that I am afraid for my life.  
He snatches the phone from me, talks to the person on the line, and admits what he has done. 
"Someone is on the way to help ME," I think. 
"You better get out of here.  They are coming and they are going to arrest you," I yell.
He laughs and goes outside to get in his vehicle.  
From my window I can see what he is doing.  He is NOT leaving!! He does NOT seem scared!!! Why won't he go away!!!
The the front door opens, my SAVIOR from the phone call is here....my mom. 
She comes in and begins, "What did you do? Why is he mad? What have you done to upset him?"
He must have seen her come in because he comes back inside the house. 
I run to the door to try and block him. I'm too little; it doesn't work. 
He laughs. "The little bitch deserved this. She doesn't listen. You don't know how to raise a child." He starts in on my mom.  
I begin to scream, "I'm calling the police. you will do to jail."
He looks at me with glaring eyes...."You WILL NOT  call the police.  If you do, bad things will happen to everyone."
He is furious, angry. 
I am scared and cowering.  
He goes outside; my mom and I stand at my window and watch him.  He is getting tools.
He comes back to the front door and yells, "I'm leaving.  I'll be back. There better not be any police here when I get back. And DON'T shut this front door.  Don't you even think about locking me out."
Then he leaves. 
I run to the front door to shut it and lock him out but I get a shock.....the door has been taken off it's hinges.  I can't do anything to the door.  It is impossible to shut the door!
I begin to shake and yell for my mom, "He took the door off the hinges. We can't shut it. He will come back and hurt us."
"Shut up," she yells. "It will be fine. He will calm down. Just go to your room. I'll clean up the mess."
I can't accept that!! I run out of the house, whimpering, crying, fearing for my life.  
"When he comes back," I think to myself, "I will die.  He will kill me."  

I wake up....quivering, whimpering, scared, afraid. I am unsure where I am.  I am sure someone is about to come into my room and "get me". Feelings are taking over....this is where my THINKING vs FEELINGS needs to happen. 

I look around the room. I tell myself to calm down. I am ok. I am safe. I am in my own home.  I am the only adult in the home. I am an adult.  No one can hurt me.  I can take care of myself.  
"Get up!!" I tell myself.  "Walk around. Identify your present situation."
The clock says it's early but I can't lay back down.  I must get up and face any fear.  If I lay back down, FEELINGS will take over.  
I get up. I walk downstairs. I make a cup of coffee. I turn on lights. I turn on the TV. 

"Was this just a nightmare or was this reality that I am remembering via dream?"  PTSD thought...

I may never know....

Jaz
  

Tonight.....

As I sit here tonight I cry.
Tears streaming down my face.
I have no "feeling".
Inside I "feel" nothing.
The tears are the only thing that show I have "feeling".

I am able to talk to others as though I am fine.
I am able to smile and laugh. (Although, there is no happy "feeling" inside.)
I am able to look at you in your face and you not see anything.
I am able to act "as if..." (as if, there was NEVER any pain in my life)

No one really wants to hear you. 

No one really wants to know your story.

No one really wants to hear about your sadness.

No one really wants to hear about your anger. 

No one really cares.

"You are a control freak.

You are crazy.

You are like your mother.

You need help.

You don't listen.

You don't try.

You don't want to change.

You haven't learned. 

You won't learn.

You won't listen.

You don't want this."                                                                                                      

All these negative comments being thrown at me.
How can I stay positive 100% of the time?
If I don't stay positive, then I am broken.

So, I guess I am broken.
I guess I will never rise above broken.
I am an adult that needs help.
Perhaps, it's too much help.
Perhaps, I'm not able to be helped.
Perhaps, I am too broken.

"You couldn't control your mother and
now you want to control every else.
This isn't possible.
You can't control people.
People aren't pawns in your game.
This is why you NEED therapy"
(All I hear is negative comments....)

WHERE THE HELL IS MY POSITIVE?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

I could very easily let this become overwhelming.
Oh, how easy it would be to slip inside.
But I will fight it.
I will carry on. 

Jaz

*AMENDMENT* (8-27-13)

Although I used the words "no one", this is untrue.  The words "no one" are lies.  These lies are from my past.  They are still lies that I hear.  

People care: 
~Doc believes in me and gives me time, energy, encouragement, and confidence.
~My children are my big supporters.  They believe in me and love me!
~K. F. gives me encouragement and believes in me.
~M. H. encouraged me.
~Aunt K. is on my side and wants to "kick ass". 

FEELINGS vs THINKING

So yesterdayI had a therapy appointment, 2nd one since beginning of July. (Not by choice, due to schedule issues. Doc is wonderful. Talking through text and even took a Saturday to see me. Love that lady!)

My therapy appointment went well. I felt so good when I left. I felt like I had accomplished things and began to understand ways to help myself heal. 

THOUGHTS I took away from this great session......

When a "normal" person has a memory or thinks about something in the past, the person is aware that it is a memory and it happened in the past. They may feel happy thinking about a good memory like traveling, or sad if thinking of a loved one that has passed.  However, they are aware that it is a memory and they don't "feel" like they are back in the country they visited, nor do they "feel" like they are standing by the coffin and reliving the death of a loved one. 

When a person with PTSD has a memory, they begin to "RELIVE" the memory.  The person "feels" as if they are in the same situation at that particular time in the past.  They are not "conscious" of their physical surroundings. They see their surroundings as they saw them so many years ago. There is a disconnect (blurring) between what is past and what is present.  

I have alters that are living in fear in the past. When they want to "come out" or there is a "trigger" for my brain, these alters begin to get scared.  They believe we are in the past and in present danger.  Feelings of fear, sadness, suicide, terror, etc begin to overload my brain and body and "switching" occurs-because the FEELINGS of the past over take any knowledge/THINKING of what I KNOW is presently happening. 

How this works: (example)

I am walking along a side walk and I feel a SUDDEN urge of sadness. 
I am confused.  
I think to myself, "Why am I sad? Did something happen?" 

I "look around inside the house" and I see Julie. (Internal house-how my System is divided-described in previous post).

She is sad. She begins to flood me with FEELINGS of sadness from the past. She begins to show or talk to me about the past, as though it was the present. 

I am flooded with FEELINGS and I am unable to THINK logically.  

This flood takes over my brain, the past is brought forward, I am "inside" and Julie is "outside". 

She is confused and scared. 

From the inside I try THINKING-using logic-to help her. 

I try to overwhelm the brain with THOUGHTS, the same way she overwhelmed the brain with FEELINGS. 

I talk with her. I tell her I should be out. I tell her I can protect her. I tell her she is ok and we are safe. 

Eventually, I am able to switch back with her. (May take minutes or hours) 

THINKING is in charge again.

I am left confused, because I don't know why it happened, and I am left upset, because it happened.

Therapy Revelation.......

This is a matter of
FEELINGS vs THINKING.
   

To an outsider, and sometimes to me, it seems as though "we" are separate entities.  However, "we" are ONE! We have one brain and one body.  So when an alter begins to have a flashback, or believes they are in the past, it is still my brain and body; the FEELINGS of the alter (which are really MY FEELINGS given to the alter during the trauma) have overpowered the THINKING of the brain.  

As the host of a "family" of alters, it is my job to protect, listen to, acknowledge, empathize, communicate with, maintain relationships with, empower, heal, love, comfort, and learn from "The System".  While doing all of these things, I must also maintain "MYSELF"! (Me: being part of a system but the one that must remain in charge of daily functioning.)

To accomplish all these tasks, I must stay in the present and not become overwhelmed with FEELINGS. I must use thinking, logic, and reason to stay "out" and keep "The System"  in order. 

My THINKING must be constant in times when FEELINGS want to overwhelm "The System":

~I must constantly THINK of where I am and what my surroundings are.  This will help enable my brain to see the present. 

~When I begin to have FEELINGS, I must not THINK of the FEELINGS.  Instead I must THINK and repeat over and over, "This is a memory. It is not happening. I am in the present." 

~When I THINK of the present, I can use tactile things in the environment to help with this logical THINKING. 

~THINKING MUST come first. 

~FEELINGS should never lead. 

"Easier said than done", is my first THOUGHT!

"In order to change and be productive, these actions must occur", is my second THOUGHT.

"No one said change is easy, but living in the past is counterproductive and will NOT work", was my third and final THOUGHT.

New way of taking care of "The System", ruling by THOUGHTS and logic. NOT FEELINGS!! Acknowledging their FEELINGS but not letting them rule!!

So, here goes nothing....jumping in with faith knowing The Lord will guide me and YOU will be at the shore encouraging me the WHOLE time. "Come on", YOU say.  "It's better on this side. I PROMISE you that!!"

Jaz





*Note: As I write this blog entry, I find a direct quote from Doc on this issue of FEELINGS vs THINKING.  Her timing could not have been more perfect!

Quoting.....
"View your mind as a container. The contents of the container determine how we function. We have the ability to filter what we allow in and what we keep out of our containers. I make it a practice of purposefully doing this. It's a necessity. There's lots of badness and negativity that I choose to ignore. Sometimes I just want to be silly and only entertain such things. There are other times that I allow myself to grieve, look at photos and cry me a river. Use your own strategies. Make your own choices. However, I do encourage great care in what you allow in to your thought process. It can make a great deal of difference in the happiness of your lives. The main thing is for the THINKER and not FEELER to remain in control. For any of you that know about 'THE CIRCLES' (TA Theory), it's the ADULT part of ourselves and not the INNER CHILD part of ourselves, remaining in control." -Doc

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Why did you hurt me? 

Why did you laugh when I cried?

Did you enjoy seeing your daughter in pain?

Why did you tell me it was better if I wasn't around?

Did you despise me that much?

Would you have preferred that I was never born?

Why did you not spend time with me?

Why did you leave me alone?

Why did you not protect me?

Why did you sell me for your greed?

For all of these things I am angry. 

I am angry you hurt me. 

I am angry you preferred that I wasn't around. 

I am angry you didn't spend time with me. 

I am angry that you did not protect me. 

I am angry that you laughed when I cried. 

I am angry you made me watch things I did not like. 

I am angry you didn't love me. 

I am angry I didn't have a happy childhood. 

I am angry you liked seeing me in pain. 

I am angry you hated me. 

I am angry you took advantage of me. 

I am angry you brainwashed me. 

I am angry you sold me. 

I am angry that I had to become a multiple. 

I am angry that you made me use drugs. 

I am angry that you made me use alcohol. 

I am angry you put me in danger. 

I am angry you didn't take care of me. 

I am angry you left me alone. 

I am angry the people at the bar could recognize my voice.

I am angry you were inconsiderate of me and my life.

I am angry because you were greedy. 

I am angry that I feel rage towards you. 

I am angry at YOU!

Reaching My Destination

As I typed that previous entry, there was a song stuck in my head.  I couldn't remember the words but I knew it talked about reaching a destination.  So here it is......

The River by Garth Brooks 
(click the title to hear the song-it will take you to another page)
(it might have an advertisement at the beginning...sorry :-/

Words....

 You know a dream is like a riv­er
Ev­er changin' as it flows
And a dream­er's just a ves­sel
That must fol­low where it goes
Try­ing to learn from what's be­hind you
And nev­er know­ing what's in store
Makes each day a con­stant bat­tle
Just to stay be­tween the shores

Chorus:
I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry
Like a bird up­on the wind
These wa­ters are my sky
I'll nev­er reach my des­ti­na­tion
If I nev­er try
So I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the wa­ters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til to­mor­row
Has now be­come to­day
So don't you sit up­on the shore­line
And say you're sat­is­fied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide

Chorus:
I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry
Like a bird up­on the wind
These wa­ters are my sky
I'll nev­er reach my des­ti­na­tion
If I nev­er try
So I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry

There's bound to be rough wa­ters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my cap­tain
I can make it through them all

Chorus:
I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry
Like a bird up­on the wind
These wa­ters are my sky
I'll nev­er reach my des­ti­na­tion
If I nev­er try
So I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry Yes, I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry
'Til the riv­er runs dry

Diary Entry Response

Dear Me,


This past weekend was rough.  I am glad that you were able to find an outlet and journal online.  It was very helpful.  It helps me see my thinking when I'm not thinking clearly.  When my brain feels "cloudy" and I can't think or focus on anything. 
My feelings/thoughts this weekend:

• cloudy mind
• suicidal ideation
• Satan chasing me
• I was running from death
• if I was to focus on anything besides staying alive, I would fall or stumble
• If I fell or stumbled, I would have "lost time" and may have died
• there was nothing I could do
• Staying a step ahead of death was my only option
• I had no medication
• I could find no LOGICAL reason for crying, being upset, suicide
• I could not focus on positive (not because I didn't see any, because if I did I would take my thoughts off of staying ahead of death, and then I would fall)
• my girls kept me alive
• not wanting to continue the legacy of abuse kept me alive
• not wanting to let the abusers win kept me alive

I was able to keep my head above water.  I was able to maintain some sense of being and living.  This is something positive for me to look at.  Every day that I am here is another victory! Another day that the abusers didn't win. Another day that I am alive and here for my children!

You and Me

I was helped this weekend by a CARING and LOVING soul,while they marched the last part of their 5K unsure they would finish.  The 5K was a special event for this person.  It was a battle they were determined to win.  They have a special reason for completing that 5K.  Not just to say they did it, but for a VERY special person in their life.  However, while they marched, they were texting me.  Not wanting to give up on their race, but not wanting to give up on me either.  This person took the time and energy to help me.  Energy that was depleting them from their goal-but NEVER giving up.  This person has not given up on me.  This person has shown me what UNCONDITIONAL love means.  This person is also to be recognized for my success this weekend.  You are an EXTRA SPECIAL person.  I truly love you!  You hold a special place in my heart that NO ONE can/will replace. You are MY angel on earth-placed in my path at various times for various reasons.

Some things I realized and tweeted on today: (referring to DID)

• We fight a battle and we feel alone. But in reality we have a force with us always.  Sometimes they are with us and sometimes they are against us.  But they are there regardless. 
• But they are always there-like siblings.  And like siblings, we have to learn to get along while being in each other's spaces. 
• This calls for MUTUAL respect, caring, and understanding from everyone. 
• This is needed for healing!

I know you are at the shore reaching out...I'm reaching back!  

I am on a healing journey.  With the help of God, Doc, and myself, I will continue on my journey to healing.  I will reach my destination.  It has not been easy.  Nor will it be easy in the future.  But with support (including my reader's support) I will make it.  I will win this battle.  I will finish this journey.

Jaz

Diary Entry

Switching is eminent.  It is in the near future.  I feel so sad, so scared.  I just want to cry and scream and run and stay and fight and yell.  What do I do?  How do I handle this?

I just want to be alone.  I don't want anyone around. Tears streaming down my face as I sit. I can't do this but I have to.

Everyone is fighting against me.  Everyone wants me to fail.  Everyone wants me to fall down on my face.


Elizabeth-"Just take the whole bottle of sleeping pills.  You won't have live like this anymore.  A gun would work fine as well.  Just end it now" (I can see the bullet going through my head, into my brain, and lodging in my skull.)

Jason-"Just have a drink. Drown everything away and out. Have fun and enjoy it.  Get rid of your problems."

Elizabeth-"But they will be there in the morning.  My way is the best.  Problems are gone forever and ever.  No more suffering."

All I can do is imagine my children with no mother and no real understanding or explanation of why.  Why their mother left them? Why their mother didn't love them?  Why their mother was so screwed up?

I will mess them up and they will have fucked up childhoods and need therapy.  It will be the legacy continued.  The abusers win this way.  But what am I to do?

It's so hard to fight. To fight ALONE! I have no one to talk to. No one that can relate. No one that can help.  Therapy is few and far between.  (Not that she doesn't try, because she works hard for me, day and night--everyday) But ultimately, I'm alone.  I have no one to talk to.  Just to tell my feelings to. Just to explain my thoughts. Just to take my mind off of things for a bit. 

(Elizabeth interjects now, "Just die.")

Is that it? Is that my only option out of this mess I'm in? To leave this world?

I feel things are moving slow right now. In slow motion. I took 3 sleeping pills hoping the effects would set in FAST and LAST! 

(Elizabeth interjects now, "There are more in the bottle.  Just finish them off.  They won't hurt you. Just do it.")

What do I do?
How do I react?
How do I respond?

Goodbye

Dear Vickie,

I am constantly haunted with wishes of "normalcy".  I am constantly wishing for a mother that loves me and cares for me unconditionally.  I am constantly wishing for a mother I can call on and tell about my day, good or bad.  I am wishing for a mother that will hold me and tell me everything will be ok.  I am wishing for a mother that wants me.  I am wishing for a mother's love. 

But I am wishing for something that has never existed and for something that will never exist. I am wishing for things that a child wants because I missed out on them as a child.   I am wishing for these things and missing out on my current life. I can't wish and long for a mother's love any longer.  I must be my own mother.  I must mother my own children. 
 
You could never be what I want.  You could never offer me what I need.  Why I think that you could now and couldn't when I was a child is crazy.  You  could never support me the way I need it.  You are not what I need. 

In my eyes, you are dead.  Your kidney disease has already killed you.  You are buried and dead-6 feet under.  Since you are dead, there is no reason to wish for your love.  I can't have it. You can't give it.  You are gone.


Therefore, I must tell you good bye. 

Good bye Vickie. 
Good bye to my wishes for a mother.
Good bye to my childhood. 
Good bye to the mother you NEVER were. 
Good bye to the mother you NEVER could have been. 
Good bye to the love I wanted from you. 
Good bye to the love you never gave me.
Good bye to my mourning you. 
Good bye to my tears. 
Good bye to my sadness. 
Good bye to my image of a mother.



Good bye forever. 

Jaz

Father's Day

What does Father's Day mean to me?

I wrote about Mother's Day and how it affects me.  However, Father's Day doesn't affect me the same way.

As a child that grew up in an abusive home, I blame my mother for the abuse that was done to me.  She is the one that allowed it to happen.  She is the one that sold me.  She is the one that didn't protect me.

But what about my father?  What do I blame him for?

I don't blame him for anything.  I have never seen my biological father.  Not even in a photograph.  I do not know what he looks like, sounds like, walks like, etc.  He could be standing next to me in a grocery store and I would never know.  This is all my mother's doing. She did not tell him about me.  She did not tell him that I was alive until I was 17.

Could things have been different?

As a teenager, I would fantasize about my father coming and taking me from the abuse.  I would yell out at my mother and her boyfriends how if my father was around, he wouldn't let any of this bad stuff happen.

Fantasy?

Perhaps I was living in a fantasy world.  Perhaps if he would have known about me sooner, he would have wanted something to do with me.  Because once she asked him for child support, when I was 17, he could have had something to do with me but he didn't.

Celebrating?

I never celebrated Father's Day before.  I didn't have a father to celebrate with and I definitely wasn't celebrating with the abusers.  So, this year I decided to make a new tradition. I would celebrate.  I would celebrate my life.  Celebrate me.  I went shopping and bought myself presents for Father's Day.  It was wonderful.  This will definitely be a new tradition for myself.
Shopping, Ice cream, and dinner. 

I hope that you did something fun this Father's Day.  Whether it was for someone else or for yourself.

Jaz

Nightmares

Last night I received a message from a an old friend's mom.  She told me how she loved me like a daughter always and how she was so proud of me. This really touched me.  I have never heard these words from my mom before. 
I began to cry.  I couldn't stop crying.  I was sobbing and hated my mom in that instant.  I hated the fact that I will NEVER have a mother that loves and cares for me.  I will NEVER know that bond between a mother and a child, on the child end. 
After crying and talking to Doc, I tried to go to sleep but nightmares haunted my sleep.  I would be dreaming about abuse and, right before I was hit or raped, I would be jolted out of my sleep. Sitting straight up in the bed.  It was like the pain from the nightmare caused me to wake up.  I couldn't sleep.
Eventually my youngest daughter came and got in the bed with me.  When she did, my dreams changed to positive dreams.  I began to dream that I was part of a family and I was loved.  I knew the family and they accepted me for who I am loved me unconditionally.  It was a great dream that lasted about 30 minutes.  However, today I am still exhausted.  I only got around 3 hours of sleep last night.  
Doc says that there are women that want and need daughters and I will find someone that loves and cares for me unconditionally.  I am hoping she is right.  Although, at times I am skeptical.  But I guess this comes from my abusive past.  I was raised thinking no one would ever love me.  It will take a lot of thought process changing to show me that there are people with unconditional love. 
Hoping that I can continue on my road to recovery and succeed in life!

Jaz

Positive

Since my hospital visit I have been focusing on the positive. I have trying to change my thought patterns by focusing on only the good and the here and now. So far it seems to be working.

As of May 1st I have received very good news and I am very hopefully about my future.

I know that if I could survive my past ,I can survive my present. I have nothing to be sad or depressed about. I have no reason to doubt myself or the outcome of my future. My future looks. bright. I'm loving life!

Negative thoughts produce negatives actions.
Positive thoughts produce positive actions.

Let's stay positive!!!!

Jaz

My Saving Grace....

Another song by Mariah Carey that inspires me....
Amazing Lyrics...

My Saving Grace  (click on link to open video in YouTube)
by Mariah Carey

"...I've loved a lot, hurt a lot
Been burned a lot in my life and times
Spent precious years wrapped up in fear
With no end in sight
Until my saving grace shined on me
Until my saving grace set me free..."

"... Yes, I've been bruised
Grew up confused
Been destitute
I've seen life from many sides
Been stigmatized
Been black and white
Felt inferior inside..."

"... Giving me peace
Giving me strength when I'd
Almost lost it all
Catching my every fall
I still exist because you keep me safe
I found my saving grace within you
And the bountiful things that you do
Lord thank you
For delivering me..."

New Feeling

What is this new feeling that I feel?

I get ANGRY and yell. 
I can't control these strong feelings. 



They take over my system.
They take over my life.




But, What is this new feeling that I feel?

I am the one that speaks the truth.
I am the one that stands up.

I don't let others run over me.
I am strong and tough.

But, What is this new feeling that I feel?



What are these things running down my face?
They wet my cheeks and make me shake.

They blur my eyes
And make me feel weak.



 What is this new feeling that I feel?

 It scares me
And makes me feel weak.

I don't want to be vulnerable.
I don't want to be in that position.

What is this new feeling that I feel?

The alters wait at the foyer.
They are waiting for me to run.



They are waiting for
Their chance to come out.





What is this new feeling that I feel?



But, today is
A different day.


Today I will not run from this feeling.
Today I will stand firm.



 SADNESS will not make me run any longer.  

Jaz

Visiting

Today I went to my grandmother's house to visit with her.  This is the first time I have seen her since I broke my silence on February 4, 2012. 

I was so happy to see her but at the same time very nervous that my mother might show up at any minute.  I am not sure what I was so nervous about.  There isn't anything she could do to me now.  She is sick and dying and I am a STRONG WOMAN! However, the fear from Julie, a child alter, was still there.  I spent about 2 hours with my grandmother.  She told me how happy she was to see me.  She also told me that I look much happier than the last time she saw me. That made me feel good.  At least I know that by me telling I am happier on the outside as well as the inside.

We sat hand in hand while we ate lunch.  While I was driving she reached over and grabbed my hand to hold.  It was very sweet.  It let me know how much I was loved and how it feels to have someone that really, truly cares about you.

Liz

Christmas Feelings

Christmas should bring feelings of joy and excitement. Feelings of love for the ones closest to you. However, for me Christmas brings mixed emotions.  Every alter has their own way of feeling. (These are the main ones that emerge...)

Liz (host)- I can feel this year. I don't feel like I'm just going through the motions.  I feel something...love for my children.

Jackie (child)-Wants to be with her mother. She misses the sociopath that brought us so much pain and suffering.   She wants to be with her and the family for Christmas.

Julie (child)-is nervous about Christmas. She wants to be away Christmas.  She doesn't like people, thinking they will hurt her again.

Jaz (teenager)-wants to party on Christmas. She likes to drink to run from the pain and suffering she was caused her whole life. (Although, she doesn't see it as running.)

Jillian (not sure of age)-is getting more anxious as Christmas approaches. She keeps showing me images from our past abuse.  She also thinks that others will hurt her again.

I am hoping that Christmas Day I will be able to contain the alters and we can have a civilized Christmas together as one big family unit!

Wishing you and yours a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Jillian

Note: This post may contain triggers.

Tonight I was on the computer trying to find something specific to buy to help my system work better.  This search began to produce triggers inside for Julie.  So I stopped and tried to listen to her. I played her some music and did various things to help her feel safe. 

She began feeling the pains of being raped. She could feel a man with his fingers inside her jamming them harder and harder.  She could feel a man on top of her with his penis inside her. He was shoving it inside her.  She wanted him to stop.  She was scared and crying for him to stop.  She grabbed her stomach and vagina to protect herself but nothing was working.  It began to hurt inside.

The more pain Julie felt a new alter began to emerge...Jillian.  Jillian is a self-injurious alter. Jillian doesn't talk. She just cuts and stares off in trances. She experienced deep pain and in order for her to cope she cuts herself. So in order to cope with the pain inside her vagina Jillian grabbed a sharp object and began to cut and slice at her arms. 

This is the moment I loose all consciousness.  When I come out again. The body is in pain.  There are cuts to both arms.  Both arms are bleeding.  I wash them off with cold water and dry them with a towel.  The arms are bleeding and stinging.  I place neosporin on the arms and put on long sleeves to cover the cuts.

Then it hits me....a feeling I have NEVER felt before....ANGER!
Anger towards the one person that should have protected me....My mother.  Anger towards her for causing me pain.  I feel sorry for the alters, and myself, for having being put in the predicament we were in as children...being prostituted out, beaten, being left alone while she went to the bars, and much much more...

Liz

My Thoughts

I was asked...."Why are you doing so much research on DID? Why don't you live in the present and stop trying to find out information about DID?  LIVE your LIFE!!" The person said.

This got me thinking..."Why in the world can't I stop looking for information on DID? I can't read blogs about DID...too many triggers...I can only research DID and find facts on DID.  Why am I doing this? Is this a common reaction to a recent diagonsis of DID?"

My thought process.....
1. Imagine thinking that everyone hears converstaions in their heads.
2. Imagine thinking that everyone looses time.
3. Imagine thinking that no one can remember their childhood.
4. Imagine thinking that everything you feel, think, and do is normal.
5. Imagine thinking that your childhood wasn't bad.

Now imagine being told...I'm sorry Liz, this isn't normal.  You have been living in DENIAL.
What you have been experiencing has a name...Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder.

Now imagine trying to believe these new facts and understanding that the conversations in your head are actually personalities caused by severe abuse by the hands of your own flesh and blood.  The only person that was there to protect you...your mother.

Of course I am going to do research on DID. 
What is it?
Are you sure this diagnosis is correct?
Perhaps it isn't correct.
Perhaps you are wrong and my initial thoughts, denial, were correct.

I am still trying to figure out where I stand in this new chapter of my life.  Every thing I read confirms my diagnosis. I was told eventually "you will discover information is just that....information. and nothing can change that."

But in the meantime...I am still searching.....still looking for INFORMATION....

What was your response to the initial diagnosis?
How did you handle it?

Liz

Stigma of DID

The stigma of DID is one I can't get over. Why is it that I am to keep my diagnosis to myself for fear of how others might treat me or respond to me?
Is it because of the misconceptions associated with DID?

My Past
I am just learning of my past abuse.  As the host, I have VERY few memories of my childhood.  I don't have memories before I was ten.  There are alters that hold those memories.  As a child I was prostituted out by my mother.  I am not sure the age that it started.  I know that it was as early as age 5 and could have been earlier.  All of my alters aren't speaking at this time.  Some just show my images of abuse.  Others talk to me and Dr. S. about their abuse.  This happened in a church setting as well as at our home.  It continued until I was a teenager around the age of 17. 
The images that are shown to me by alters are those of people watching while men repeatedly rape a little girl.  One alter, Jackie, talks about laying on top of men, hugging men, and seducing men while our mother watches.  Another alter, Julie, was raped by men in the church.  She was forced to have sex with men so that our mother could get money. 


My Diagnosis
I have only recently been diagnosed with DID.  It has been about 6 months.  I didn't want to accept the fact that what I experience in my head and what I hear on a daily basis isn't what everyone hears.  I didn't want to accept the fact that not everyone loses time and doesn't remember doing activities.  DID is a diagnosis with a stigma attached to it.  People often confuse it with schizophrenia.  But DID isn't schizophrenia.  It is a response created by my mind to protect me from horrific child abuse. 
As soon as I received my diagnosis Dr. S. said do not share this diagnosis with just anyone. There is a stigma that goes along with this diagnosis.  Is that fair to me?
Is it fair that I was abused as a child and now I am the one hiding from the results of that abuse?

The secrets continue....

Liz

To Stay or Not to Stay

I have been "fighting" with other alters to stay out more.  When something is a trigger, stressful, or seen as a threat to the system, the alters want out. 

Last night I was fighting with Jazmine, Jaz, who is 16 and likes to party.  After our rough day/week at work she just wanted to "go get a drink". Well, Jaz we can't do that. We have children to look after and your one drink would turn into many drinks. 

Last night I was also fighting with Julie, Jules, who is 5, scared, and sad.  After a situation caused a trigger she wanted out. I'm not sure why. Seems like she would want to run and hide but instead she wanted out.  Possibly to talk to Dr. S about the trigger and how to get help. 

I don't remember fighting so hard before and having so many downs.  Dr. S said that's because I used to just let the alters take over and I would run.  This is so true. 

It was a rough night because of this.  But guess what?!?  I stayed out the whole time!!  I did not run from the stress or the trigger.  I stayed with my feelings. Man was it hard!

I guess I'm blogging about this to ask: Does anyone else feel this way sometimes? Does anyone else feel like they have to "Fight" to stay in control of the system?

Liz (host)