Nightmares

Last night I received a message from a an old friend's mom.  She told me how she loved me like a daughter always and how she was so proud of me. This really touched me.  I have never heard these words from my mom before. 
I began to cry.  I couldn't stop crying.  I was sobbing and hated my mom in that instant.  I hated the fact that I will NEVER have a mother that loves and cares for me.  I will NEVER know that bond between a mother and a child, on the child end. 
After crying and talking to Doc, I tried to go to sleep but nightmares haunted my sleep.  I would be dreaming about abuse and, right before I was hit or raped, I would be jolted out of my sleep. Sitting straight up in the bed.  It was like the pain from the nightmare caused me to wake up.  I couldn't sleep.
Eventually my youngest daughter came and got in the bed with me.  When she did, my dreams changed to positive dreams.  I began to dream that I was part of a family and I was loved.  I knew the family and they accepted me for who I am loved me unconditionally.  It was a great dream that lasted about 30 minutes.  However, today I am still exhausted.  I only got around 3 hours of sleep last night.  
Doc says that there are women that want and need daughters and I will find someone that loves and cares for me unconditionally.  I am hoping she is right.  Although, at times I am skeptical.  But I guess this comes from my abusive past.  I was raised thinking no one would ever love me.  It will take a lot of thought process changing to show me that there are people with unconditional love. 
Hoping that I can continue on my road to recovery and succeed in life!

Jaz

Sleepless Nights

I stay awake all night with nothing to do. I lay there with my eyes closed and try to sleep.  It just doesn't work.  Oftentimes, I play on my phone, and I play on the internet.  T.V. does not interest me in the least bit.  I can find mindless things to do with my time but my brain will not shut off to sleep.  Sometimes there is too much chatter in my brain.  Everyone is in the conference room and they are having discussions. 

Well after doing some research about DID and sleep it turns out I am normal.  Normal you say?  Yes, many people with DID suffer from insomnia.  So how do we go about dealing with it?

Doc suggested that I take my sleeping pills I was prescribed.  However, I don't have enough to take them every night.  So what else can I do?

Doc also suggested a night time routine to relax me, body, mind, and souls.  I am not the type of person to have a night time routine.  I do not "reflect" on my day or do deep processing of MY thoughts.  It's just not MY personality (no pun intended).  However, part of working on MY personality type (different from my personality within the system) is to become a more reflective person.  So why not give it a try?  If it will help, what do I have to lose?

So this is what I will try:

~I will play piano music to unwind.

~I will have the alters go into their rooms instead of being in the conference room or wandering around the house.

~I will reflect on what I have done that day by keeping a journal.  Discussing what went well and what didn't. 

~If something didn't go well, I will make a plan of how to help myself the next time it happens.  

~I will find a safe place to be when I become to overwhelmed.  A place that no one else may enter
~I have something to sleep with already.  I will continue to use this. 


Changing your routines, thoughts, and actions require intense treatment and dedication.  It will not be easy.  It will be hard.  But when was the last thing that was worth your time and energy easy?  Everything that requires a change will be hard.  But just RELAX and take time to yourself.

Jazz