Diary Entry Response

Dear Me,


This past weekend was rough.  I am glad that you were able to find an outlet and journal online.  It was very helpful.  It helps me see my thinking when I'm not thinking clearly.  When my brain feels "cloudy" and I can't think or focus on anything. 
My feelings/thoughts this weekend:

• cloudy mind
• suicidal ideation
• Satan chasing me
• I was running from death
• if I was to focus on anything besides staying alive, I would fall or stumble
• If I fell or stumbled, I would have "lost time" and may have died
• there was nothing I could do
• Staying a step ahead of death was my only option
• I had no medication
• I could find no LOGICAL reason for crying, being upset, suicide
• I could not focus on positive (not because I didn't see any, because if I did I would take my thoughts off of staying ahead of death, and then I would fall)
• my girls kept me alive
• not wanting to continue the legacy of abuse kept me alive
• not wanting to let the abusers win kept me alive

I was able to keep my head above water.  I was able to maintain some sense of being and living.  This is something positive for me to look at.  Every day that I am here is another victory! Another day that the abusers didn't win. Another day that I am alive and here for my children!

You and Me

I was helped this weekend by a CARING and LOVING soul,while they marched the last part of their 5K unsure they would finish.  The 5K was a special event for this person.  It was a battle they were determined to win.  They have a special reason for completing that 5K.  Not just to say they did it, but for a VERY special person in their life.  However, while they marched, they were texting me.  Not wanting to give up on their race, but not wanting to give up on me either.  This person took the time and energy to help me.  Energy that was depleting them from their goal-but NEVER giving up.  This person has not given up on me.  This person has shown me what UNCONDITIONAL love means.  This person is also to be recognized for my success this weekend.  You are an EXTRA SPECIAL person.  I truly love you!  You hold a special place in my heart that NO ONE can/will replace. You are MY angel on earth-placed in my path at various times for various reasons.

Some things I realized and tweeted on today: (referring to DID)

• We fight a battle and we feel alone. But in reality we have a force with us always.  Sometimes they are with us and sometimes they are against us.  But they are there regardless. 
• But they are always there-like siblings.  And like siblings, we have to learn to get along while being in each other's spaces. 
• This calls for MUTUAL respect, caring, and understanding from everyone. 
• This is needed for healing!

I know you are at the shore reaching out...I'm reaching back!  

I am on a healing journey.  With the help of God, Doc, and myself, I will continue on my journey to healing.  I will reach my destination.  It has not been easy.  Nor will it be easy in the future.  But with support (including my reader's support) I will make it.  I will win this battle.  I will finish this journey.

Jaz

Father's Day

What does Father's Day mean to me?

I wrote about Mother's Day and how it affects me.  However, Father's Day doesn't affect me the same way.

As a child that grew up in an abusive home, I blame my mother for the abuse that was done to me.  She is the one that allowed it to happen.  She is the one that sold me.  She is the one that didn't protect me.

But what about my father?  What do I blame him for?

I don't blame him for anything.  I have never seen my biological father.  Not even in a photograph.  I do not know what he looks like, sounds like, walks like, etc.  He could be standing next to me in a grocery store and I would never know.  This is all my mother's doing. She did not tell him about me.  She did not tell him that I was alive until I was 17.

Could things have been different?

As a teenager, I would fantasize about my father coming and taking me from the abuse.  I would yell out at my mother and her boyfriends how if my father was around, he wouldn't let any of this bad stuff happen.

Fantasy?

Perhaps I was living in a fantasy world.  Perhaps if he would have known about me sooner, he would have wanted something to do with me.  Because once she asked him for child support, when I was 17, he could have had something to do with me but he didn't.

Celebrating?

I never celebrated Father's Day before.  I didn't have a father to celebrate with and I definitely wasn't celebrating with the abusers.  So, this year I decided to make a new tradition. I would celebrate.  I would celebrate my life.  Celebrate me.  I went shopping and bought myself presents for Father's Day.  It was wonderful.  This will definitely be a new tradition for myself.
Shopping, Ice cream, and dinner. 

I hope that you did something fun this Father's Day.  Whether it was for someone else or for yourself.

Jaz

Positive

Since my hospital visit I have been focusing on the positive. I have trying to change my thought patterns by focusing on only the good and the here and now. So far it seems to be working.

As of May 1st I have received very good news and I am very hopefully about my future.

I know that if I could survive my past ,I can survive my present. I have nothing to be sad or depressed about. I have no reason to doubt myself or the outcome of my future. My future looks. bright. I'm loving life!

Negative thoughts produce negatives actions.
Positive thoughts produce positive actions.

Let's stay positive!!!!

Jaz