I am not sure about integration. I am not sure how it works, what you are suppose to feel, what you are suppose to go through, or anything about it. But I think it's happening between myself and Stephanie (the girls' mom).
I've noticed within the past month or so when the girls go to their dad's for the weekend, I am at a loss without them. I miss them terribly and constantly wonder about them. At night I sleep with something that reminds me of them, so I feel that they are close to me.
The bond between us is getting stronger.
This past weekend I couldn't wait to pick them up and see them. I just wanted to hug them and tell them how much I missed them and love them. I didn't want to be without them, and I knew I would be leaving early Monday morning, so I had them sleep with me-just to be close to them.
I just can't get enough of them!
I have never liked children nor cared to be around children. I would run the opposite way when children were around. I didn't like being in their presence. So this change in behavior is DRASTIC!
With my first daughter I had a C-section. I was never able to see the scar until around a month ago. I am beginning to recall certain things of their births and infancy. The "memories" are faint and few but they are coming slowly. I am so happy to receive the "memories".
I'm not sure what all this means or how to take everything. I'm not even sure this means integration.
(I won't see Doc, my therapist, for another 30 days!!)
Any thoughts, similar situations, advice, etc is greatly needed/appreciated.
Thanks,
Jaz
Hi Jaz, Hard to tell how integration will be for you. For me, it was different than I expected by a lot. It didn't solve some of the challenges I thought it would. It created new problems I didn't have before. It is also the best thing that ever happened to me. Feeling is a beginning. Feeling connected starts teaching you what it feels like. Patience is needed. Loving yourself how you are right now is needed. I will share more if you are interested but sometimes you need to explore a little at a time.
ReplyDeleteRuth,
DeleteThanks so much. Until it was pointed out to me, I didn't realize that it was all about feelings. These feelings are good and I am glad I have these feelings now. However, I am not sure about any other person to integrate with. That will take work and will cause feelings I'm not ready for. I'm so glad that I can say I know what true love is though!