I am constantly haunted with wishes of "normalcy". I am constantly wishing for a mother that loves me and cares for me unconditionally. I am constantly wishing for a mother I can call on and tell about my day, good or bad. I am wishing for a mother that will hold me and tell me everything will be ok. I am wishing for a mother that wants me. I am wishing for a mother's love.
But I am wishing for something that has never existed and for something that will never exist. I am wishing for things that a child wants because I missed out on them as a child. I am wishing for these things and missing out on my current life. I can't wish and long for a mother's love any longer. I must be my own mother. I must mother my own children.
You could never be what I want. You could never offer me what I need. Why I think that you could now and couldn't when I was a child is crazy. You could never support me the way I need it. You are not what I need.
In my eyes, you are dead. Your kidney disease has already killed you. You are buried and dead-6 feet under. Since you are dead, there is no reason to wish for your love. I can't have it. You can't give it. You are gone.
Therefore, I must tell you good bye.
Good bye Vickie.
Good bye to my wishes for a mother.
Good bye to my childhood.
Good bye to the mother you NEVER were.
Good bye to the mother you NEVER could have been.
Good bye to the love I wanted from you.
Good bye to the love you never gave me.
Good bye to my mourning you.
Good bye to my tears.
Good bye to my sadness.
Good bye to my image of a mother.
Good bye forever.
Jaz
