Beginning...Middle...End

Where do I begin?  

At the beginning,

in the middle, 

at the end?  

• Do I just blurt it out?  
• Do I make it a story?  
• Do I simply state facts? 
• Do I need to add detail?  
• Do I even know what I want to say???

So, here goes.....
 Lately, I don't know what has been happening to me.  I feel great, ecstatic, elated and then BOOM I'm out of it.  I'm not myself.  I'm like a puppet on a string.  I can't control myself, my thoughts are random (and aren't mine), and my feelings are off.  When I come back (my strings are cut), I am so confused as to what happened and why I was doing things and saying things that made no sense.

Do you know what I mean?  Does that make any sense?

Think of Pinocchio.....remember when he got caught by the puppeteer?  The puppeteer wanted him because he was a REAL, LIVE wooden puppet without strings.  But when Pinocchio got on stage the puppeteer started off with Pinocchio on strings and then cut them off to show he could perform without strings...he was a special puppet.  This is the way I feel.....

I am Pinocchio.  I am REAL. I am ALIVE.  I have NO STRINGS.  All is well....
But then something happens, the puppeteer steps in and I feel like I have strings.  I am not in control of my thoughts.  And, just like Pinocchio, I am AWARE that I am NOT in control but I can't stop it. 
Then the puppeteer cuts the strings and I feel better, like myself, but I feel confused...

• Where did the strings come from?
• Why were the strings there?
• Who is the puppeteer?
• What does the puppeteer want?
• Why is this happening?
• Where those thoughts REALLY my thoughts or thoughts of someone else?

 This has been happening for at least a month.  It is aggravating and it is frustrating for me!  I can't understand it.  I want my questions answered but I can't find the answers anywhere. 

Today, I was beginning to thinking it may have been Liz.  "I" (using quotations because it's possible it's the puppeteer) have been thinking a lot about my name constantly. "I" find myself drawn to the name Liz (the name of an alter).  When someone named Liz texted me, I looked at the phone and "my" immediate thought was, "Why am I texting myself?".  (Not a normal thought.)

I am just so confused, frustrated, mad, feeling used, angry, lost, mixed up, all those things plus more rolled into one.

I don't know if ANY of this makes sense to anyone reading this.  However, if it does, please help me figure this out....

Jaz


Special Note to 'you':  "As frustrated, as mad, and feeling used as you feel.....I feel it 100X more!!"

A Cover-Up Exposed

The phone rings and a name from the past pops up.  It is my mom.  I answer but when I hear her voice I quickly hang up.  The phone rings again and again her name pops up.  This time I let the call go to voice mail.  Her message says she wants to talk to me and asks me if I am ok and what is going on with me.  Of course, I am NOT calling her back.  Why would she bother to call me.  She is suppose to be DEAD in my life.

The next day the phone rings and a name from the past pops up.  It is my mom's best friend.  I immediately get mad.  This is harassment.  They are calling and disturbing my life.  I let the call go to voice mail and listen to the message.  She states she has not talked to my mom in a long time and just wants to make sure she has my mom's correct number.  So I decide to call her back.

She answers the phone and I ask her what she wants.  She states she wants to make sure the number she has for my mom is the correct number.  So, I ask what number she has.  "Uh, um, uh...", she stumbles over her words.  "I don't know. I'll have to call you back to give you the number I have."  "No", I say.  "Here it is..."

She begins to want to chit-chat with me, digging for information, and I am very short with her.  She asks if I am mad at her and I ask "Do I have a reason to be?"

I ask her about my mom walking in on me being raped and not doing anything about it.  I ask her if it is normal to not turn in a child rapist. She states that my mom did turn in the child rapist and that the police were involved and I saw a psychologist.  I told her that the police report says parent states child is lying and parent is uncooperative.  She says that some police men are lazy and just don't want to do their job.  She said my mom loved me and did everything she could do this one time.

I asked her about the church cover up.  She states that if my mom was part of the cover up with the church she, my mom's friend, was unaware.  My mom's friend states "So, you are telling me it happened more than once with this man and with other men," I say, "Yes, that is what I am telling you." She said, "Oh..."

I asked her about my mom's last boyfriend and the physical and sexual abuse that I was  exposed to by him while my mom watched.  She said, "Oh I had no idea.  I would have came and got you and protected you.  I am so sorry."  "It's too late for sorry," I say. 

She said, "But at that time you were running away from home and sneaking out at night."
"Oh....so that's a reason to be beaten naked with a two by four, cords, belts, or whatever is around??.  I didn't realize that." I say. 

She tells me that I should forgive my mom.  She says that her father abused her and her mother knew and she gave it to God and has forgiven her mother and father.

I tell her that I have given up everything to God and I am being blessed and the happiest I have ever been.  But I do not have to forgive or forget what my mom did to me.  I told her that my mother suffers EVERYDAY and is in pain EVERYDAY just like I suffered EVERYDAY during my childhood.

She states, "You don't want to do that.  You don't want to push her out of your life. When she dies you will miss her."

I said "FUCK HER! She isn't worth my time or my breath. She sold me out.  She knew about all the abuse and did nothing.   She sold me. Fuck her!"
I tell her, "Next time you talk to my mom and you tell her everything I said, tell her I will spit on her grave the way she spits on her daddy's grave. Fuck her!  She is suffering and I am living!"

I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore and I hung up.  


I feel so good.  I feel so strong!!!
I am so proud of myself for standing up for us and talking to her.
It was important for me.  Even though I didn't talk to my mom, it felt like I was talking to her.
I felt empowered. I still feel great!
I opened up and spoke up.
I spoke up for the alters and for myself.

Jaz

                                               *~*~*~*~*~*UPDATE*~*~*~*~*~*~*
                                                       (MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS)

That night Jillian showed me what happened the day Vickie, our mother, walked in on Jillian being raped by that man.
Jillian was laying down and was being raped with an object. She isn't sure what the object was but it hurt her and felt pointy.  She can see it being pulled out of her while she is crying and laying there.  It looks like a triangle.  She begins to bleed from her vagina.  The blood is bright red.  The man turns his attention to someone behind him.  Jillian turns her head in the same direction and sees Vickie.  The man and Vickie speak but Jillian can't make out what they are saying.  Jillian looks back down at her vagina and she is still bleeding.  Vickie comes over and places paper towels between Jillian's legs, pulls her dress down, and carries Jillian out.
At home, two doors down, Vickie continues to doctor Jillian.  She is on the phone with people. That is the only thing Jillian shows me.

Noise

Why tonight of all nights is there so much noise?

I can hear so many people talking. It's confusing. I can't make out voices but I can see everyone in the house. There is so much talking I can't make out what is being said.

I know there is debate going on about who is in control inside. I know they aren't fighting. Just discussing. Which is good.

I don't want to hear it though. It's so confusing and tiring. I just want to lay down at 6PM.

Night,

Jaz

Am I like you?

I am confused about something I hear a lot.  I hear "She (someone with DID) is just like us (someone without DID).  We (someone without DID) have child parts and rebellious parts.  We (someone without DID) have parts that contradict each other.  We (someone without DID) just didn't develop them into separate people like she (someone with DID) did."  
This confuses me and I do NOT like to hear this stated.  But I think when someone says, "The person with DID is like us,"  makes people think "so, the voice I hear could be an alter, someone else talking to me?" Especially when it is stated in a group where people have been previously abused.  It is a BIG pet peeve of mine. It actually pisses me off. 

I think this is my pet peeve because I feel like it discounts me as a person with DID, and I feel that others believe they may have DID too because they think we are similar. 

I do not know what life is like a for a "singleton".  I do not know how their brain works.  (I'm not sure I understand how my own brain works.  Nor do I pretend I understand.)  I am not sure what a "monologue" in a "normal" brain sounds like.


In my mind I don't hear a "monologue".  I hear a bunch of noise, different voices and commotion.  There is not a "monologue" guiding me or leading me around.  There are many different voices I hear, must decipher who is speaking, and what their motive is for speaking.

Are we (people with DID) like "singletons" (someone without DID)? No, I don't believe we are.  I believe that we are different than "singletons".  Our brain functions differently than a "singleton's" brain functions.  Our brain has allowed us to do something different.  It allowed us to take our abuse and "give it to someone else" (an alter), so we did not have to feel or remember it.


Since our brain functions differently, we can't say "She is just like us, except she has separate people."  That would be like saying a Volkswagen and a Ford are the same.  Well why not, they are both cars and take you from place to place.  But I bet the mechanic that had to work on the vehicles would dare to differ.  That the two vehicles are NOT the same.

If this is the case, then I am NOT just like you. I am ME and I am DIFFERENT.  My child parts suffered horrific abuse and are unable to see past that.  My child parts are actually children I SEE and have CONVERSATIONS with.  They are not just a child part that allows me to be silly at times.  They, and my other parts, are seen as REAL people. 



What are your thoughts on the situation?
Have you ever heard anyone state "Well, you're just like us, except you have different people?"
What were your thoughts/reactions?


Jaz

Sleepless Nights

I stay awake all night with nothing to do. I lay there with my eyes closed and try to sleep.  It just doesn't work.  Oftentimes, I play on my phone, and I play on the internet.  T.V. does not interest me in the least bit.  I can find mindless things to do with my time but my brain will not shut off to sleep.  Sometimes there is too much chatter in my brain.  Everyone is in the conference room and they are having discussions. 

Well after doing some research about DID and sleep it turns out I am normal.  Normal you say?  Yes, many people with DID suffer from insomnia.  So how do we go about dealing with it?

Doc suggested that I take my sleeping pills I was prescribed.  However, I don't have enough to take them every night.  So what else can I do?

Doc also suggested a night time routine to relax me, body, mind, and souls.  I am not the type of person to have a night time routine.  I do not "reflect" on my day or do deep processing of MY thoughts.  It's just not MY personality (no pun intended).  However, part of working on MY personality type (different from my personality within the system) is to become a more reflective person.  So why not give it a try?  If it will help, what do I have to lose?

So this is what I will try:

~I will play piano music to unwind.

~I will have the alters go into their rooms instead of being in the conference room or wandering around the house.

~I will reflect on what I have done that day by keeping a journal.  Discussing what went well and what didn't. 

~If something didn't go well, I will make a plan of how to help myself the next time it happens.  

~I will find a safe place to be when I become to overwhelmed.  A place that no one else may enter
~I have something to sleep with already.  I will continue to use this. 


Changing your routines, thoughts, and actions require intense treatment and dedication.  It will not be easy.  It will be hard.  But when was the last thing that was worth your time and energy easy?  Everything that requires a change will be hard.  But just RELAX and take time to yourself.

Jazz

What is it about weekends?

My system seems to go haywire on Fridays.  It doesn't begin to work together until around Monday.  Doc has been saying this for a while now.  "I don't know what it is about weekends," she would say.  "Something happens.  What is your trigger?"  My response "I don't know..."

Tonight, Ty DEMANDED therapy time.  Stating he wanted his own time and he wanted to change his destructive ways.  My alters come and go quickly on the weekends.  They begin to need to talk to Doc, and they need comforting.  The alters get scared and some become demanding and vulgar.   

This always left me feeling like I was some how failing in some way.  What could it be about the weekends?  Why do I have such problems with the alters on the weekends?  How do I find the trigger that messes up the weekends?

I used to think it was because I would work all week and stay busy until the weekend.  That is when I had more time to myself, the system, and more time to think.  However, I am not working now and the weekends are still the biggest issue.  Then it hit me.....

What if the system goes haywire on Fridays because the system is scared of the weekend?  What if that was the time we were most vulnerable to sexual acts and prostitution?  This makes sense.

Although this is pure speculation about my system, it fits together.  Most adults are free over the weekend; so this would be PRIME time to prostitute your child.  This is when most men would be interested and would be available. 

Could this be the true reason for my system failure on the weekends?

Jazz
Double Z Doc....  :-)