Diary Entry Response

Dear Me,


This past weekend was rough.  I am glad that you were able to find an outlet and journal online.  It was very helpful.  It helps me see my thinking when I'm not thinking clearly.  When my brain feels "cloudy" and I can't think or focus on anything. 
My feelings/thoughts this weekend:

• cloudy mind
• suicidal ideation
• Satan chasing me
• I was running from death
• if I was to focus on anything besides staying alive, I would fall or stumble
• If I fell or stumbled, I would have "lost time" and may have died
• there was nothing I could do
• Staying a step ahead of death was my only option
• I had no medication
• I could find no LOGICAL reason for crying, being upset, suicide
• I could not focus on positive (not because I didn't see any, because if I did I would take my thoughts off of staying ahead of death, and then I would fall)
• my girls kept me alive
• not wanting to continue the legacy of abuse kept me alive
• not wanting to let the abusers win kept me alive

I was able to keep my head above water.  I was able to maintain some sense of being and living.  This is something positive for me to look at.  Every day that I am here is another victory! Another day that the abusers didn't win. Another day that I am alive and here for my children!

You and Me

I was helped this weekend by a CARING and LOVING soul,while they marched the last part of their 5K unsure they would finish.  The 5K was a special event for this person.  It was a battle they were determined to win.  They have a special reason for completing that 5K.  Not just to say they did it, but for a VERY special person in their life.  However, while they marched, they were texting me.  Not wanting to give up on their race, but not wanting to give up on me either.  This person took the time and energy to help me.  Energy that was depleting them from their goal-but NEVER giving up.  This person has not given up on me.  This person has shown me what UNCONDITIONAL love means.  This person is also to be recognized for my success this weekend.  You are an EXTRA SPECIAL person.  I truly love you!  You hold a special place in my heart that NO ONE can/will replace. You are MY angel on earth-placed in my path at various times for various reasons.

Some things I realized and tweeted on today: (referring to DID)

• We fight a battle and we feel alone. But in reality we have a force with us always.  Sometimes they are with us and sometimes they are against us.  But they are there regardless. 
• But they are always there-like siblings.  And like siblings, we have to learn to get along while being in each other's spaces. 
• This calls for MUTUAL respect, caring, and understanding from everyone. 
• This is needed for healing!

I know you are at the shore reaching out...I'm reaching back!  

I am on a healing journey.  With the help of God, Doc, and myself, I will continue on my journey to healing.  I will reach my destination.  It has not been easy.  Nor will it be easy in the future.  But with support (including my reader's support) I will make it.  I will win this battle.  I will finish this journey.

Jaz

Goodbye

Dear Vickie,

I am constantly haunted with wishes of "normalcy".  I am constantly wishing for a mother that loves me and cares for me unconditionally.  I am constantly wishing for a mother I can call on and tell about my day, good or bad.  I am wishing for a mother that will hold me and tell me everything will be ok.  I am wishing for a mother that wants me.  I am wishing for a mother's love. 

But I am wishing for something that has never existed and for something that will never exist. I am wishing for things that a child wants because I missed out on them as a child.   I am wishing for these things and missing out on my current life. I can't wish and long for a mother's love any longer.  I must be my own mother.  I must mother my own children. 
 
You could never be what I want.  You could never offer me what I need.  Why I think that you could now and couldn't when I was a child is crazy.  You  could never support me the way I need it.  You are not what I need. 

In my eyes, you are dead.  Your kidney disease has already killed you.  You are buried and dead-6 feet under.  Since you are dead, there is no reason to wish for your love.  I can't have it. You can't give it.  You are gone.


Therefore, I must tell you good bye. 

Good bye Vickie. 
Good bye to my wishes for a mother.
Good bye to my childhood. 
Good bye to the mother you NEVER were. 
Good bye to the mother you NEVER could have been. 
Good bye to the love I wanted from you. 
Good bye to the love you never gave me.
Good bye to my mourning you. 
Good bye to my tears. 
Good bye to my sadness. 
Good bye to my image of a mother.



Good bye forever. 

Jaz