Beginning...Middle...End

Where do I begin?  

At the beginning,

in the middle, 

at the end?  

• Do I just blurt it out?  
• Do I make it a story?  
• Do I simply state facts? 
• Do I need to add detail?  
• Do I even know what I want to say???

So, here goes.....
 Lately, I don't know what has been happening to me.  I feel great, ecstatic, elated and then BOOM I'm out of it.  I'm not myself.  I'm like a puppet on a string.  I can't control myself, my thoughts are random (and aren't mine), and my feelings are off.  When I come back (my strings are cut), I am so confused as to what happened and why I was doing things and saying things that made no sense.

Do you know what I mean?  Does that make any sense?

Think of Pinocchio.....remember when he got caught by the puppeteer?  The puppeteer wanted him because he was a REAL, LIVE wooden puppet without strings.  But when Pinocchio got on stage the puppeteer started off with Pinocchio on strings and then cut them off to show he could perform without strings...he was a special puppet.  This is the way I feel.....

I am Pinocchio.  I am REAL. I am ALIVE.  I have NO STRINGS.  All is well....
But then something happens, the puppeteer steps in and I feel like I have strings.  I am not in control of my thoughts.  And, just like Pinocchio, I am AWARE that I am NOT in control but I can't stop it. 
Then the puppeteer cuts the strings and I feel better, like myself, but I feel confused...

• Where did the strings come from?
• Why were the strings there?
• Who is the puppeteer?
• What does the puppeteer want?
• Why is this happening?
• Where those thoughts REALLY my thoughts or thoughts of someone else?

 This has been happening for at least a month.  It is aggravating and it is frustrating for me!  I can't understand it.  I want my questions answered but I can't find the answers anywhere. 

Today, I was beginning to thinking it may have been Liz.  "I" (using quotations because it's possible it's the puppeteer) have been thinking a lot about my name constantly. "I" find myself drawn to the name Liz (the name of an alter).  When someone named Liz texted me, I looked at the phone and "my" immediate thought was, "Why am I texting myself?".  (Not a normal thought.)

I am just so confused, frustrated, mad, feeling used, angry, lost, mixed up, all those things plus more rolled into one.

I don't know if ANY of this makes sense to anyone reading this.  However, if it does, please help me figure this out....

Jaz


Special Note to 'you':  "As frustrated, as mad, and feeling used as you feel.....I feel it 100X more!!"

FEELINGS vs THINKING

So yesterdayI had a therapy appointment, 2nd one since beginning of July. (Not by choice, due to schedule issues. Doc is wonderful. Talking through text and even took a Saturday to see me. Love that lady!)

My therapy appointment went well. I felt so good when I left. I felt like I had accomplished things and began to understand ways to help myself heal. 

THOUGHTS I took away from this great session......

When a "normal" person has a memory or thinks about something in the past, the person is aware that it is a memory and it happened in the past. They may feel happy thinking about a good memory like traveling, or sad if thinking of a loved one that has passed.  However, they are aware that it is a memory and they don't "feel" like they are back in the country they visited, nor do they "feel" like they are standing by the coffin and reliving the death of a loved one. 

When a person with PTSD has a memory, they begin to "RELIVE" the memory.  The person "feels" as if they are in the same situation at that particular time in the past.  They are not "conscious" of their physical surroundings. They see their surroundings as they saw them so many years ago. There is a disconnect (blurring) between what is past and what is present.  

I have alters that are living in fear in the past. When they want to "come out" or there is a "trigger" for my brain, these alters begin to get scared.  They believe we are in the past and in present danger.  Feelings of fear, sadness, suicide, terror, etc begin to overload my brain and body and "switching" occurs-because the FEELINGS of the past over take any knowledge/THINKING of what I KNOW is presently happening. 

How this works: (example)

I am walking along a side walk and I feel a SUDDEN urge of sadness. 
I am confused.  
I think to myself, "Why am I sad? Did something happen?" 

I "look around inside the house" and I see Julie. (Internal house-how my System is divided-described in previous post).

She is sad. She begins to flood me with FEELINGS of sadness from the past. She begins to show or talk to me about the past, as though it was the present. 

I am flooded with FEELINGS and I am unable to THINK logically.  

This flood takes over my brain, the past is brought forward, I am "inside" and Julie is "outside". 

She is confused and scared. 

From the inside I try THINKING-using logic-to help her. 

I try to overwhelm the brain with THOUGHTS, the same way she overwhelmed the brain with FEELINGS. 

I talk with her. I tell her I should be out. I tell her I can protect her. I tell her she is ok and we are safe. 

Eventually, I am able to switch back with her. (May take minutes or hours) 

THINKING is in charge again.

I am left confused, because I don't know why it happened, and I am left upset, because it happened.

Therapy Revelation.......

This is a matter of
FEELINGS vs THINKING.
   

To an outsider, and sometimes to me, it seems as though "we" are separate entities.  However, "we" are ONE! We have one brain and one body.  So when an alter begins to have a flashback, or believes they are in the past, it is still my brain and body; the FEELINGS of the alter (which are really MY FEELINGS given to the alter during the trauma) have overpowered the THINKING of the brain.  

As the host of a "family" of alters, it is my job to protect, listen to, acknowledge, empathize, communicate with, maintain relationships with, empower, heal, love, comfort, and learn from "The System".  While doing all of these things, I must also maintain "MYSELF"! (Me: being part of a system but the one that must remain in charge of daily functioning.)

To accomplish all these tasks, I must stay in the present and not become overwhelmed with FEELINGS. I must use thinking, logic, and reason to stay "out" and keep "The System"  in order. 

My THINKING must be constant in times when FEELINGS want to overwhelm "The System":

~I must constantly THINK of where I am and what my surroundings are.  This will help enable my brain to see the present. 

~When I begin to have FEELINGS, I must not THINK of the FEELINGS.  Instead I must THINK and repeat over and over, "This is a memory. It is not happening. I am in the present." 

~When I THINK of the present, I can use tactile things in the environment to help with this logical THINKING. 

~THINKING MUST come first. 

~FEELINGS should never lead. 

"Easier said than done", is my first THOUGHT!

"In order to change and be productive, these actions must occur", is my second THOUGHT.

"No one said change is easy, but living in the past is counterproductive and will NOT work", was my third and final THOUGHT.

New way of taking care of "The System", ruling by THOUGHTS and logic. NOT FEELINGS!! Acknowledging their FEELINGS but not letting them rule!!

So, here goes nothing....jumping in with faith knowing The Lord will guide me and YOU will be at the shore encouraging me the WHOLE time. "Come on", YOU say.  "It's better on this side. I PROMISE you that!!"

Jaz





*Note: As I write this blog entry, I find a direct quote from Doc on this issue of FEELINGS vs THINKING.  Her timing could not have been more perfect!

Quoting.....
"View your mind as a container. The contents of the container determine how we function. We have the ability to filter what we allow in and what we keep out of our containers. I make it a practice of purposefully doing this. It's a necessity. There's lots of badness and negativity that I choose to ignore. Sometimes I just want to be silly and only entertain such things. There are other times that I allow myself to grieve, look at photos and cry me a river. Use your own strategies. Make your own choices. However, I do encourage great care in what you allow in to your thought process. It can make a great deal of difference in the happiness of your lives. The main thing is for the THINKER and not FEELER to remain in control. For any of you that know about 'THE CIRCLES' (TA Theory), it's the ADULT part of ourselves and not the INNER CHILD part of ourselves, remaining in control." -Doc

Diary Entry

Switching is eminent.  It is in the near future.  I feel so sad, so scared.  I just want to cry and scream and run and stay and fight and yell.  What do I do?  How do I handle this?

I just want to be alone.  I don't want anyone around. Tears streaming down my face as I sit. I can't do this but I have to.

Everyone is fighting against me.  Everyone wants me to fail.  Everyone wants me to fall down on my face.


Elizabeth-"Just take the whole bottle of sleeping pills.  You won't have live like this anymore.  A gun would work fine as well.  Just end it now" (I can see the bullet going through my head, into my brain, and lodging in my skull.)

Jason-"Just have a drink. Drown everything away and out. Have fun and enjoy it.  Get rid of your problems."

Elizabeth-"But they will be there in the morning.  My way is the best.  Problems are gone forever and ever.  No more suffering."

All I can do is imagine my children with no mother and no real understanding or explanation of why.  Why their mother left them? Why their mother didn't love them?  Why their mother was so screwed up?

I will mess them up and they will have fucked up childhoods and need therapy.  It will be the legacy continued.  The abusers win this way.  But what am I to do?

It's so hard to fight. To fight ALONE! I have no one to talk to. No one that can relate. No one that can help.  Therapy is few and far between.  (Not that she doesn't try, because she works hard for me, day and night--everyday) But ultimately, I'm alone.  I have no one to talk to.  Just to tell my feelings to. Just to explain my thoughts. Just to take my mind off of things for a bit. 

(Elizabeth interjects now, "Just die.")

Is that it? Is that my only option out of this mess I'm in? To leave this world?

I feel things are moving slow right now. In slow motion. I took 3 sleeping pills hoping the effects would set in FAST and LAST! 

(Elizabeth interjects now, "There are more in the bottle.  Just finish them off.  They won't hurt you. Just do it.")

What do I do?
How do I react?
How do I respond?

Noise

Why tonight of all nights is there so much noise?

I can hear so many people talking. It's confusing. I can't make out voices but I can see everyone in the house. There is so much talking I can't make out what is being said.

I know there is debate going on about who is in control inside. I know they aren't fighting. Just discussing. Which is good.

I don't want to hear it though. It's so confusing and tiring. I just want to lay down at 6PM.

Night,

Jaz

Buying for Alters

I have heard others talk about buying things for their alters to play with or things for them to do.  I have never done this before.  At least not bought something SPECIFIC for an alter.  So, I went to the store for the alters. 

For Jillian, I bought a pacifier.  I found out that a pacifier soothes her.  The constant pressure and sucking calms her nerves.

For Julie, I bought a coloring book.  She loves to color but has no coloring book of her own. She likes to color and give her pictures to Doc.

For Jackie, I bought a toy.  It was a little remote control car with a "My Little Pony" to go with it.  Jackie hasn't used her car yet.  She is upset about that. I promised her tomorrow she could use it and play all day.

Of course they all were with me and picked out what they wanted. Jackie was the most difficult.  She looked and looked around the toy aisle for about 30 minutes until we were able to find something she wanted.  (I'm sure people thought I was crazy talking to "myself" walking around.)

They were very excited to go and get something that is their very own.  It was a very interesting experience.


UPDATE!!! May 1, 2012
Jackie was able to play with her toy car last night.  She thoroughly enjoyed it.  I gave her 10 minutes and then told her she had to put it up.  She whined and didn't want to but I reminded her that if she did it, Doc and I would be so proud of her and she would get to come out more for playing and having fun.  She agreed and when we switched back it was like we got stuck.  I was out but she was still controlling me.  I told her to let go that it would be ok and she would get time out again.  She finally let go and we fully switched.  
 It was an interesting experience; since, this is the first time I had let an alter out to "play" with a toy that was their own.  
Just to know how happy it made her, made me want to work better with the system. 

A Hospital Visit

 Switching and Depression have been occurring a lot lately.  I could not figure out why. 

• Why is an alter so depressed?
• What is your trigger?
• Why do you want out now?
• Why must you hurt yourself when you come out?

None of these questions were being answered.  The alter, Jillian, just wanted out and wanted to cut to relieve tension, anxiety, fear, and pain. She is bombarding me.  Not switching the way we all switch.  We all go into the foyer, and the person that is out leaves and switches with the person in the foyer.  However, Jillian is running through the foyer and pushing me out of the way.  Bombarding me with switching.  Then she will block off the door so I can't switch back.  This is tiresome and hurtful to the system.

Thursday I was fighting with her all day and she won.  She came out and cut our arms again.  Retracing the words HELP and HATE, along with just slicing at the arm to make cuts.  I had to make a decision.  She had to realize that her actions have consequences.  I made a decision to admit myself into the hospital. 

I went to the hospital and told them about her and the cutting. I told them that if I went home, the cutting would continue.  So, I stayed in the hospital.  It was DEVASTATING to the system. 

There was only a bed in the room.  There was no phone, no visitors allowed, no restroom, nothing.  Only four walls and a bed.  My only options were which wall I was going to face. 

I went almost 48 hours with no medicine.  They wouldn't give me anything in my purse.  About half way through the stay, they told me I had to switch gowns from a cloth gown to a paper gown.  This paper gown made me feel naked.  There were only men in the ward watching each room.  Julie, a child alter, came out and began to think she was going to get raped.  I had a panic attack on the bed in the room.  They refused to give me anything to help me or her.


They continuously asked me if I was hearing voices.  The doctor did not believe in Dissociative Identity Disorder, DID.  He told me that I didn't need medicine because they had too many side effects and then he would have to prescribe medicine for the side effects.  He told me that my panic attacks and feelings were normal and I could just work through them. 

I told him that I wanted to go home.  Jillian was no longer a danger to us.  That Jillian would not cut herself any more.  She has seen her actions have consequences and is more willing to get help and not act out in such a negative way. 

While I was in the psych ward, I talked a lot with Jillian.  I told her I was sorry for talking down to her.  I told her that I was sorry for being ugly to her and not respecting her feelings.  We had a long discussion and I think we will work better together now.  I think we have gotten to know one another. 

Today, I was in the gas station and sitting all alone on a shelf was a pack of 100 single razor blades.  The box was open and there was one on top of the box.  Jillian said, "Just grab one.  We can put it in our pocket."  I reminded her of the hospital and the consequences she will have to deal with if she cuts again.  She decided that she didn't want to go there again.  And she agreed with me that the razor blades were a bad idea. That is a positive step.  :-)

I am hoping and praying that we will be able to work together now and not having anymore cutting incidents.  She has seen the hospital and doesn't want to go back.  (Neither do I but I will if that is the only way we can be safe.)  I promise her that I will continue to talk nicely to her and respect her feelings, as long as she respects the system and does no more cutting.  She has signed a no self harm agreement today. 

Hoping and Praying this works!!

Jaz

What is wrong with me?

Why am I still so depressed?
I am so down in the dumps.
Again, fighting alters.

Sitting in class pretending I'm ok.
I hate this feeling.

I have got to get out of the past and into the present.
Currently there is nothing for me to be sad or depressed about.
My present life is going well.
So what's wrong?

Are the alters upset thinking I'm going to forget about them?
Do they think that if I am happy, the past is discounted?

I suffered abuse in the past too but it's time to live in the present.
I can't let the alters affect me anymore. I must be strong.

Fighting my urge to drink and run from my feelings.
I want to so bad.
I know I shouldn't.
I must remain strong and fight.

I'm a fighter!
I'm a survivor!
I will succeed!
I will thrive!

Triggers

Fighting switching tonight...Oh how quickly things change.

I leaned a weird way and an alter came. The little one Was having memories of rape in the shower. He was making her bend over and raping her over and over.

"I did not want it but Jackie makes people think she wants it", Julie said.

So now Julie is scared and wants out to handle her feelings. I keep telling her to trust me. It's ok. There is no reason to come out. There is no threat of rape or any other abuse.
I will take care of her. I got this. But she wants out. She wants to see doc. She wants help. She wants to feel safe and she doesn't feel safe inside right now.

That's it! When they don't feel safe inside, they want out to control the situation. Maybe they feel they need to save me from danger. But there is no longer danger. There is no danger of abuse.

They must believe and listen to me. I need control to handle the situation. Not a child alter. I have to deal with this.

She wants to spend another night in the closet, Safe and sound.

Help me...I don't want to switch. But I think the switch is imminent.

Depression

Why must I feel this way?
I am in pain inside.
I can't seem to break free.

There are so many insiders trying to pull me down.
They are fooling those on the outside.

I can't think.
I can't remember what happened yesterday.

Someone is taking over for me today.
Allowing me to go through the motions and pretend to be ok.

I am yelling on the inside to let me out.
I just want to be mad.

They aren't listening.
The door has been blocked and I can't get out.

I want to be set free.
I want out.

I think I could handle it if they would let me out.
Are they protecting me from feelings now?

They can't protect me by cutting.
That just injures the body and system more.

I allowed this to happen.
I listened to an alter that said she could take my pain away.

She came out and took a sharp object to the body.
Why am I back sliding?

I don't need protection.
I can handle my own.

Just let me out.
Just let me be free.

What is it about weekends?

My system seems to go haywire on Fridays.  It doesn't begin to work together until around Monday.  Doc has been saying this for a while now.  "I don't know what it is about weekends," she would say.  "Something happens.  What is your trigger?"  My response "I don't know..."

Tonight, Ty DEMANDED therapy time.  Stating he wanted his own time and he wanted to change his destructive ways.  My alters come and go quickly on the weekends.  They begin to need to talk to Doc, and they need comforting.  The alters get scared and some become demanding and vulgar.   

This always left me feeling like I was some how failing in some way.  What could it be about the weekends?  Why do I have such problems with the alters on the weekends?  How do I find the trigger that messes up the weekends?

I used to think it was because I would work all week and stay busy until the weekend.  That is when I had more time to myself, the system, and more time to think.  However, I am not working now and the weekends are still the biggest issue.  Then it hit me.....

What if the system goes haywire on Fridays because the system is scared of the weekend?  What if that was the time we were most vulnerable to sexual acts and prostitution?  This makes sense.

Although this is pure speculation about my system, it fits together.  Most adults are free over the weekend; so this would be PRIME time to prostitute your child.  This is when most men would be interested and would be available. 

Could this be the true reason for my system failure on the weekends?

Jazz
Double Z Doc....  :-)

"Ty"

Ty,

Why must you come and haunt me?
Don't you know all the trouble you cause?

You linger too long
And say too much.

You cause me grief
And cause me pain.

Do you know the system in which you live?

You look at the wrong things.
You crave what you should not.

When you come,
There is fear amongst all.

Do you know the system in which you live?

Jaz

Living in Denial...Jackie

Jackie is an alter that acts very much like her mother.  "Doc" says she might be a sociopath like her mother.

Jackie states that life wasn't hard for her.  She denies DID and denies her past.  She says her mother was a blessing and she looks up to her mother.  Jackie loves and misses her mother.  Why must she deny what is right in front of her face? Why must she deny HER own past of laying with men and trying to seduce men?  Jackie never had sex with men.  That's what other alters, Julie and Jillian, were for.  However, Jackie did watch them being raped.  Why must she deny that?

Is living in denial appropriate for her?  It is probably how she survived her horrific past.  If she believed she was loved and cherished by her mother, then her mother knew best.  Her mother would always tell her, "I know what is best for you. I am your mother."

In a DID system alters were "born" for purposes.  Her purpose was to seduce the men. However, she could not handle the touching, licking, and raping so we developed other alters to take this abuse.  She just showed men "a good time" and got them "ready" for sex. However, she did not see herself like that.  She sees herself as a "woman" (she is really a 5 year old child) that needs men to live.  She does not care about any one but herself and her feelings. Why does she deny HER own past?

She is fully aware that Julie and Jillian are scared of men and can't be around men.  She is fully aware of their past.  However, she only cares about herself.  She constantly wants a man to hug and love on.  She does not see anything wrong with loving on a man because "nothing happens."

If she has seen the raping of the other alters, why must she constantly want a man around?  Even a man that has raped "the little ones" before.  She only cares for herself. 

As the alter that is "out" all of the time, I must deal with Jackie constantly.  Liz couldn't handle her.  She was able to control Liz but she can't control me.  She still tries to manipulate me.  However, I am smarter than that.  She can't fool me.

Why must she live in denial? Is it easier than dealing with the truth?

 Jaz

Jazmine

My host, Liz, has not been out in the world much.  She doesn't understand the way things work.  She is very naive to the ways of the world.  Even though she is an adult, she is very naive and gullible.  Due to this, we have decided to make a switch in the system.  I, Jazmine, will be out from now on.  So, I would like to introduce myself.

I am the one that harbors angry feelings.  I would come out when there was a threatening situation, and I would handle it.  I also took the brunt of the physical abuse.  I would be around to be beaten by cords, two by fours, or whatever was around.  I would take the slaps and hits.  I would also be given alcohol by my mother starting around the age of 6.  I would handle the "clean up" when Jillian would come out and cut herself.

I believed no one liked me because I am very blunt and say what is on my mind.  I do not sugar coat anything, and I am very straight forward.  My mother would tell me that no one liked me, and I shouldn't be around.  "Doc" is teaching me that I am worthy and I am needed in the system.

Since I have been out the system is doing better.  There has not been much switching, and I am trying to keep alters out of the foyer.  We are working on our "marathon" as "Doc" describes it but we are doing well now.

Jaz

Breaking Silence

 

Abusers win by keeping us silent.  They gain their power when we are quiet.  We can gain that power by speaking out against the abuser and telling what happened to us.  If we don't speak out against them, we are never free.  No matter our age, how long it has been since the abuse happened, or even if the abusers are no longer living, we must speak out!! 

We must be Silenced No Longer!

I refuse to let the abusers win.  I want to win!! I want the power!! I don't want to live in fear any longer.

By speaking the truth I gain power against my abusers. Here is an overview of my story...

As a  child I grew up in a single parent home.  We, my mother and I, lived in the "bad" part of town.  We were in church every time the doors were open.   My mother didn't have a job until I was 5.  Even then she only made minimum wage, so there was never any money. What was a mother to do?  Well, she had an idea.  If I prostitute out my daughter, I can get cash, drugs, liquor, and places to stay.  So starting with high ranking people in church, she began to allow men to have sex with me.  She would send me to neighbor's houses at 9 or 10 at night to let the men do what they wished with me.  Laying on me, raping me, having oral sex, kissing me, telling me how good it feels, deep breathing in my ear, licking my neck....

When she found boyfriends, she allowed them to abuse me as well.  This ensured us a place to stay.  She would say that "We have no place to go.  I can't afford to move.  We have to stay here.  This is life." She did take me to see a therapist as a child because the police got involved.  However, she told me to lie to the police and tell them that nothing happened.  She also told me not to tell the therapist anything that was happening or I would die.  The police got involved three times that I know of and each time it was written off as a child that is lying.  The sexual, physical, and emotional abuse continued until I was 17. 


I, the host, am still working on being strong enough to have all of the horrific memories of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse.  What I have just described in brief, are memories that have been expressed to me through alters in therapy. 

I finally told someone....On February 4, 2012 I brought my grandma and my uncle to therapy and sat them down and told them what my mother did to me as a child.  They both broke down and cried.  They told me how STRONG I was for finally telling and how PROUD of me they are that I broke the silence.  I am so glad I did it.  It makes me feel STRONG and COURAGEOUS.

Liz

As I write...

As I write I hear little voices. These voices are with me all day as I go about my business. Sometimes I can tune out the chatter by staying busy. Sometimes they are deafening and I don't want to hear them. Other times I love them and we carry on conversations.

Julie-Will you always care for me?
Me-Always and forever
Julie-Why didn't my mother take care of me?
Me-She didn't know how.
Julie-Why?
Me-She was troubled and just didn't know how to care for anyone.
Jackie-You don't have to take care of me. I can do it myself.
Me-Jackie, I love you too.  I will take care of you.
Julie-I love Liz. She loves me too.
Jackie-Well, I don't need her. (referring to Liz)
Me-Well if you ever need me, Jackie. I'm here. (Jackie leaves)
Julie-I don't like her. (referring to Jackie)
Me-Well, you need to like her.  She is like your sister. (Julie smiles her sweet inoccent smile and hugs me)


I am learning I must mother the little ones inside. We didn't have a mother that nurtured us and cared for us.  I must do this for them.  It is hard at times but it was even harder when I fought it. 

I am learning that I am special and it is great to have Dissociative Identity Disorder...I am NEVER alone!!

Christmas Feelings

Christmas should bring feelings of joy and excitement. Feelings of love for the ones closest to you. However, for me Christmas brings mixed emotions.  Every alter has their own way of feeling. (These are the main ones that emerge...)

Liz (host)- I can feel this year. I don't feel like I'm just going through the motions.  I feel something...love for my children.

Jackie (child)-Wants to be with her mother. She misses the sociopath that brought us so much pain and suffering.   She wants to be with her and the family for Christmas.

Julie (child)-is nervous about Christmas. She wants to be away Christmas.  She doesn't like people, thinking they will hurt her again.

Jaz (teenager)-wants to party on Christmas. She likes to drink to run from the pain and suffering she was caused her whole life. (Although, she doesn't see it as running.)

Jillian (not sure of age)-is getting more anxious as Christmas approaches. She keeps showing me images from our past abuse.  She also thinks that others will hurt her again.

I am hoping that Christmas Day I will be able to contain the alters and we can have a civilized Christmas together as one big family unit!

Wishing you and yours a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Jillian

Note: This post may contain triggers.

Tonight I was on the computer trying to find something specific to buy to help my system work better.  This search began to produce triggers inside for Julie.  So I stopped and tried to listen to her. I played her some music and did various things to help her feel safe. 

She began feeling the pains of being raped. She could feel a man with his fingers inside her jamming them harder and harder.  She could feel a man on top of her with his penis inside her. He was shoving it inside her.  She wanted him to stop.  She was scared and crying for him to stop.  She grabbed her stomach and vagina to protect herself but nothing was working.  It began to hurt inside.

The more pain Julie felt a new alter began to emerge...Jillian.  Jillian is a self-injurious alter. Jillian doesn't talk. She just cuts and stares off in trances. She experienced deep pain and in order for her to cope she cuts herself. So in order to cope with the pain inside her vagina Jillian grabbed a sharp object and began to cut and slice at her arms. 

This is the moment I loose all consciousness.  When I come out again. The body is in pain.  There are cuts to both arms.  Both arms are bleeding.  I wash them off with cold water and dry them with a towel.  The arms are bleeding and stinging.  I place neosporin on the arms and put on long sleeves to cover the cuts.

Then it hits me....a feeling I have NEVER felt before....ANGER!
Anger towards the one person that should have protected me....My mother.  Anger towards her for causing me pain.  I feel sorry for the alters, and myself, for having being put in the predicament we were in as children...being prostituted out, beaten, being left alone while she went to the bars, and much much more...

Liz

A New Way of Thinking

Most of the time I try and stay away from blogs.  Most of them have too many triggers and cause too much anxiety for me to read.  I really do a lot of picking and choosing when I look at blogs.

However, I read a post on a DID blog.  I felt like this person had read by blog and then wrote a response to me.  I broke down into tears while reading. It was touching to me and just what I needed at that very moment.  It has caused me to look at myself and my alters differently. 

Perhaps this blog post will help you look at yourself differently as well.
Since I read it I haven't been fighting as much with them and I have chosen to look at them differently. Not as separates that I have to fight to keep hidden away; instead, as separates that have their own souls given to me by God for me to help nurture and take care of.  Just as if they were REAL children.

Would I fight with a child that came up to me and said they had been abused by their family?
Would I send them away or "lock them up" so they didn't have a voice?
So why do I do it to myself?

It's a new way of thinking...

Jeff's Song

Liz

Listening to Alters

Again last night I was awoke by an alter.  This alter began flashing these horrific images through my mind. I begged the alter to stop and tried to communicate with him/her but he/she wouldn't respond.   I told the alter that only Dr. S. could help with the pain that he/she has experienced.   I laid awake with these images for about an hour.  I was trying to get rid of them so I could sleep again.  What did this alter want?  Why would this alter not speak to me? How old was the alter?

This is just one instance of trying to decipher alter code.

I am constantly trying to talk with the alters and get to know them.  I have only been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder for about 6 months now.  I want to learn about the alters.  I feel as though the more I am up for learning and actually LISTENING to them, the more I can hear.  The more alters that respond back.

This past weekend, however, has been a rough weekend.  Dr. S. told me that I needed a break from trying talk to them and since I have been "Fighting for control" (See previous Post...To Stay or Not to Stay.) I just needed to tell them to leave me alone for a while. 

So rather than getting into a power struggle with them I decided to just yell at them to leave me alone and go away.  I didn't want to talk to them or listen to them.  However, this isn't working that well either.  I feel like I am putting them off and not agreeing to work with the system.  The alters still come to talk but just get discouraged when I yell and tell them I don't want to hear from them at that very moment. 

Obviously this isn't working since I was awoke by horrific images....

How do you handle your system when you feel overwhelmed?

Liz

To Stay or Not to Stay

I have been "fighting" with other alters to stay out more.  When something is a trigger, stressful, or seen as a threat to the system, the alters want out. 

Last night I was fighting with Jazmine, Jaz, who is 16 and likes to party.  After our rough day/week at work she just wanted to "go get a drink". Well, Jaz we can't do that. We have children to look after and your one drink would turn into many drinks. 

Last night I was also fighting with Julie, Jules, who is 5, scared, and sad.  After a situation caused a trigger she wanted out. I'm not sure why. Seems like she would want to run and hide but instead she wanted out.  Possibly to talk to Dr. S about the trigger and how to get help. 

I don't remember fighting so hard before and having so many downs.  Dr. S said that's because I used to just let the alters take over and I would run.  This is so true. 

It was a rough night because of this.  But guess what?!?  I stayed out the whole time!!  I did not run from the stress or the trigger.  I stayed with my feelings. Man was it hard!

I guess I'm blogging about this to ask: Does anyone else feel this way sometimes? Does anyone else feel like they have to "Fight" to stay in control of the system?

Liz (host)