Happy Mother's Day

Today is a day to celebrate the mother that you have in your life.
Today is a day to celebrate the mother that loves and cherishes you.
Today is a day to celebrate the mother that comforts you when you are sad.
Today is a day to celebrate the mother that you can turn to in your time of need.
Today is a day to celebrate the mother that doesn't hurt you.
Today is a day to celebrate the mother in your life....
What about those of us that don't have a mother in our lives because of abuse?

Today is my first Mother's Day without my "mother".  This is my first year that I have been "out" to accept the fact that my "mother" was an evil person.  I have not talked to her in almost a year.  She has called but I refuse to talk to her.  She does not deserve my time.  So what do I celebrate today?

I celebrate MYSELF!! 
I am an amazing person.
I am a survivor.
I am an amazing mother.
I am my own mother.
I am a gift on earth.
I am great.
I am worth living.
I am worth getting to know.
I am strong.
I am a fighter.
I am a great friend.
I am honest.
I am courageous.
I am loving.
I am compassionate.
I am capable.
I am beautiful.
I am intelligent.
I am a mother.
I am wonderful.
I am ME!

Thank you to the higher power for making me who I am today.
Thank you to the higher power for giving me what I have today.
Thank you to the higher power for giving me the opportunities I have.
Thank you to the higher power for allowing me to live.
Thank you to the higher power for making me strong.
Thank you to the higher power.....

Happy Mother's Day to all of you that celebrate YOURSELVES on this wonderful day!!
Be good to yourself!!

Jaz

Nightmares

Last night I received a message from a an old friend's mom.  She told me how she loved me like a daughter always and how she was so proud of me. This really touched me.  I have never heard these words from my mom before. 
I began to cry.  I couldn't stop crying.  I was sobbing and hated my mom in that instant.  I hated the fact that I will NEVER have a mother that loves and cares for me.  I will NEVER know that bond between a mother and a child, on the child end. 
After crying and talking to Doc, I tried to go to sleep but nightmares haunted my sleep.  I would be dreaming about abuse and, right before I was hit or raped, I would be jolted out of my sleep. Sitting straight up in the bed.  It was like the pain from the nightmare caused me to wake up.  I couldn't sleep.
Eventually my youngest daughter came and got in the bed with me.  When she did, my dreams changed to positive dreams.  I began to dream that I was part of a family and I was loved.  I knew the family and they accepted me for who I am loved me unconditionally.  It was a great dream that lasted about 30 minutes.  However, today I am still exhausted.  I only got around 3 hours of sleep last night.  
Doc says that there are women that want and need daughters and I will find someone that loves and cares for me unconditionally.  I am hoping she is right.  Although, at times I am skeptical.  But I guess this comes from my abusive past.  I was raised thinking no one would ever love me.  It will take a lot of thought process changing to show me that there are people with unconditional love. 
Hoping that I can continue on my road to recovery and succeed in life!

Jaz

Positive

Since my hospital visit I have been focusing on the positive. I have trying to change my thought patterns by focusing on only the good and the here and now. So far it seems to be working.

As of May 1st I have received very good news and I am very hopefully about my future.

I know that if I could survive my past ,I can survive my present. I have nothing to be sad or depressed about. I have no reason to doubt myself or the outcome of my future. My future looks. bright. I'm loving life!

Negative thoughts produce negatives actions.
Positive thoughts produce positive actions.

Let's stay positive!!!!

Jaz