FEELINGS vs THINKING

So yesterdayI had a therapy appointment, 2nd one since beginning of July. (Not by choice, due to schedule issues. Doc is wonderful. Talking through text and even took a Saturday to see me. Love that lady!)

My therapy appointment went well. I felt so good when I left. I felt like I had accomplished things and began to understand ways to help myself heal. 

THOUGHTS I took away from this great session......

When a "normal" person has a memory or thinks about something in the past, the person is aware that it is a memory and it happened in the past. They may feel happy thinking about a good memory like traveling, or sad if thinking of a loved one that has passed.  However, they are aware that it is a memory and they don't "feel" like they are back in the country they visited, nor do they "feel" like they are standing by the coffin and reliving the death of a loved one. 

When a person with PTSD has a memory, they begin to "RELIVE" the memory.  The person "feels" as if they are in the same situation at that particular time in the past.  They are not "conscious" of their physical surroundings. They see their surroundings as they saw them so many years ago. There is a disconnect (blurring) between what is past and what is present.  

I have alters that are living in fear in the past. When they want to "come out" or there is a "trigger" for my brain, these alters begin to get scared.  They believe we are in the past and in present danger.  Feelings of fear, sadness, suicide, terror, etc begin to overload my brain and body and "switching" occurs-because the FEELINGS of the past over take any knowledge/THINKING of what I KNOW is presently happening. 

How this works: (example)

I am walking along a side walk and I feel a SUDDEN urge of sadness. 
I am confused.  
I think to myself, "Why am I sad? Did something happen?" 

I "look around inside the house" and I see Julie. (Internal house-how my System is divided-described in previous post).

She is sad. She begins to flood me with FEELINGS of sadness from the past. She begins to show or talk to me about the past, as though it was the present. 

I am flooded with FEELINGS and I am unable to THINK logically.  

This flood takes over my brain, the past is brought forward, I am "inside" and Julie is "outside". 

She is confused and scared. 

From the inside I try THINKING-using logic-to help her. 

I try to overwhelm the brain with THOUGHTS, the same way she overwhelmed the brain with FEELINGS. 

I talk with her. I tell her I should be out. I tell her I can protect her. I tell her she is ok and we are safe. 

Eventually, I am able to switch back with her. (May take minutes or hours) 

THINKING is in charge again.

I am left confused, because I don't know why it happened, and I am left upset, because it happened.

Therapy Revelation.......

This is a matter of
FEELINGS vs THINKING.
   

To an outsider, and sometimes to me, it seems as though "we" are separate entities.  However, "we" are ONE! We have one brain and one body.  So when an alter begins to have a flashback, or believes they are in the past, it is still my brain and body; the FEELINGS of the alter (which are really MY FEELINGS given to the alter during the trauma) have overpowered the THINKING of the brain.  

As the host of a "family" of alters, it is my job to protect, listen to, acknowledge, empathize, communicate with, maintain relationships with, empower, heal, love, comfort, and learn from "The System".  While doing all of these things, I must also maintain "MYSELF"! (Me: being part of a system but the one that must remain in charge of daily functioning.)

To accomplish all these tasks, I must stay in the present and not become overwhelmed with FEELINGS. I must use thinking, logic, and reason to stay "out" and keep "The System"  in order. 

My THINKING must be constant in times when FEELINGS want to overwhelm "The System":

~I must constantly THINK of where I am and what my surroundings are.  This will help enable my brain to see the present. 

~When I begin to have FEELINGS, I must not THINK of the FEELINGS.  Instead I must THINK and repeat over and over, "This is a memory. It is not happening. I am in the present." 

~When I THINK of the present, I can use tactile things in the environment to help with this logical THINKING. 

~THINKING MUST come first. 

~FEELINGS should never lead. 

"Easier said than done", is my first THOUGHT!

"In order to change and be productive, these actions must occur", is my second THOUGHT.

"No one said change is easy, but living in the past is counterproductive and will NOT work", was my third and final THOUGHT.

New way of taking care of "The System", ruling by THOUGHTS and logic. NOT FEELINGS!! Acknowledging their FEELINGS but not letting them rule!!

So, here goes nothing....jumping in with faith knowing The Lord will guide me and YOU will be at the shore encouraging me the WHOLE time. "Come on", YOU say.  "It's better on this side. I PROMISE you that!!"

Jaz





*Note: As I write this blog entry, I find a direct quote from Doc on this issue of FEELINGS vs THINKING.  Her timing could not have been more perfect!

Quoting.....
"View your mind as a container. The contents of the container determine how we function. We have the ability to filter what we allow in and what we keep out of our containers. I make it a practice of purposefully doing this. It's a necessity. There's lots of badness and negativity that I choose to ignore. Sometimes I just want to be silly and only entertain such things. There are other times that I allow myself to grieve, look at photos and cry me a river. Use your own strategies. Make your own choices. However, I do encourage great care in what you allow in to your thought process. It can make a great deal of difference in the happiness of your lives. The main thing is for the THINKER and not FEELER to remain in control. For any of you that know about 'THE CIRCLES' (TA Theory), it's the ADULT part of ourselves and not the INNER CHILD part of ourselves, remaining in control." -Doc

Diary Entry Response

Dear Me,


This past weekend was rough.  I am glad that you were able to find an outlet and journal online.  It was very helpful.  It helps me see my thinking when I'm not thinking clearly.  When my brain feels "cloudy" and I can't think or focus on anything. 
My feelings/thoughts this weekend:

• cloudy mind
• suicidal ideation
• Satan chasing me
• I was running from death
• if I was to focus on anything besides staying alive, I would fall or stumble
• If I fell or stumbled, I would have "lost time" and may have died
• there was nothing I could do
• Staying a step ahead of death was my only option
• I had no medication
• I could find no LOGICAL reason for crying, being upset, suicide
• I could not focus on positive (not because I didn't see any, because if I did I would take my thoughts off of staying ahead of death, and then I would fall)
• my girls kept me alive
• not wanting to continue the legacy of abuse kept me alive
• not wanting to let the abusers win kept me alive

I was able to keep my head above water.  I was able to maintain some sense of being and living.  This is something positive for me to look at.  Every day that I am here is another victory! Another day that the abusers didn't win. Another day that I am alive and here for my children!

You and Me

I was helped this weekend by a CARING and LOVING soul,while they marched the last part of their 5K unsure they would finish.  The 5K was a special event for this person.  It was a battle they were determined to win.  They have a special reason for completing that 5K.  Not just to say they did it, but for a VERY special person in their life.  However, while they marched, they were texting me.  Not wanting to give up on their race, but not wanting to give up on me either.  This person took the time and energy to help me.  Energy that was depleting them from their goal-but NEVER giving up.  This person has not given up on me.  This person has shown me what UNCONDITIONAL love means.  This person is also to be recognized for my success this weekend.  You are an EXTRA SPECIAL person.  I truly love you!  You hold a special place in my heart that NO ONE can/will replace. You are MY angel on earth-placed in my path at various times for various reasons.

Some things I realized and tweeted on today: (referring to DID)

• We fight a battle and we feel alone. But in reality we have a force with us always.  Sometimes they are with us and sometimes they are against us.  But they are there regardless. 
• But they are always there-like siblings.  And like siblings, we have to learn to get along while being in each other's spaces. 
• This calls for MUTUAL respect, caring, and understanding from everyone. 
• This is needed for healing!

I know you are at the shore reaching out...I'm reaching back!  

I am on a healing journey.  With the help of God, Doc, and myself, I will continue on my journey to healing.  I will reach my destination.  It has not been easy.  Nor will it be easy in the future.  But with support (including my reader's support) I will make it.  I will win this battle.  I will finish this journey.

Jaz

A Cover-Up Exposed

The phone rings and a name from the past pops up.  It is my mom.  I answer but when I hear her voice I quickly hang up.  The phone rings again and again her name pops up.  This time I let the call go to voice mail.  Her message says she wants to talk to me and asks me if I am ok and what is going on with me.  Of course, I am NOT calling her back.  Why would she bother to call me.  She is suppose to be DEAD in my life.

The next day the phone rings and a name from the past pops up.  It is my mom's best friend.  I immediately get mad.  This is harassment.  They are calling and disturbing my life.  I let the call go to voice mail and listen to the message.  She states she has not talked to my mom in a long time and just wants to make sure she has my mom's correct number.  So I decide to call her back.

She answers the phone and I ask her what she wants.  She states she wants to make sure the number she has for my mom is the correct number.  So, I ask what number she has.  "Uh, um, uh...", she stumbles over her words.  "I don't know. I'll have to call you back to give you the number I have."  "No", I say.  "Here it is..."

She begins to want to chit-chat with me, digging for information, and I am very short with her.  She asks if I am mad at her and I ask "Do I have a reason to be?"

I ask her about my mom walking in on me being raped and not doing anything about it.  I ask her if it is normal to not turn in a child rapist. She states that my mom did turn in the child rapist and that the police were involved and I saw a psychologist.  I told her that the police report says parent states child is lying and parent is uncooperative.  She says that some police men are lazy and just don't want to do their job.  She said my mom loved me and did everything she could do this one time.

I asked her about the church cover up.  She states that if my mom was part of the cover up with the church she, my mom's friend, was unaware.  My mom's friend states "So, you are telling me it happened more than once with this man and with other men," I say, "Yes, that is what I am telling you." She said, "Oh..."

I asked her about my mom's last boyfriend and the physical and sexual abuse that I was  exposed to by him while my mom watched.  She said, "Oh I had no idea.  I would have came and got you and protected you.  I am so sorry."  "It's too late for sorry," I say. 

She said, "But at that time you were running away from home and sneaking out at night."
"Oh....so that's a reason to be beaten naked with a two by four, cords, belts, or whatever is around??.  I didn't realize that." I say. 

She tells me that I should forgive my mom.  She says that her father abused her and her mother knew and she gave it to God and has forgiven her mother and father.

I tell her that I have given up everything to God and I am being blessed and the happiest I have ever been.  But I do not have to forgive or forget what my mom did to me.  I told her that my mother suffers EVERYDAY and is in pain EVERYDAY just like I suffered EVERYDAY during my childhood.

She states, "You don't want to do that.  You don't want to push her out of your life. When she dies you will miss her."

I said "FUCK HER! She isn't worth my time or my breath. She sold me out.  She knew about all the abuse and did nothing.   She sold me. Fuck her!"
I tell her, "Next time you talk to my mom and you tell her everything I said, tell her I will spit on her grave the way she spits on her daddy's grave. Fuck her!  She is suffering and I am living!"

I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore and I hung up.  


I feel so good.  I feel so strong!!!
I am so proud of myself for standing up for us and talking to her.
It was important for me.  Even though I didn't talk to my mom, it felt like I was talking to her.
I felt empowered. I still feel great!
I opened up and spoke up.
I spoke up for the alters and for myself.

Jaz

                                               *~*~*~*~*~*UPDATE*~*~*~*~*~*~*
                                                       (MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS)

That night Jillian showed me what happened the day Vickie, our mother, walked in on Jillian being raped by that man.
Jillian was laying down and was being raped with an object. She isn't sure what the object was but it hurt her and felt pointy.  She can see it being pulled out of her while she is crying and laying there.  It looks like a triangle.  She begins to bleed from her vagina.  The blood is bright red.  The man turns his attention to someone behind him.  Jillian turns her head in the same direction and sees Vickie.  The man and Vickie speak but Jillian can't make out what they are saying.  Jillian looks back down at her vagina and she is still bleeding.  Vickie comes over and places paper towels between Jillian's legs, pulls her dress down, and carries Jillian out.
At home, two doors down, Vickie continues to doctor Jillian.  She is on the phone with people. That is the only thing Jillian shows me.

Happy Mother's Day

Today is a day to celebrate the mother that you have in your life.
Today is a day to celebrate the mother that loves and cherishes you.
Today is a day to celebrate the mother that comforts you when you are sad.
Today is a day to celebrate the mother that you can turn to in your time of need.
Today is a day to celebrate the mother that doesn't hurt you.
Today is a day to celebrate the mother in your life....
What about those of us that don't have a mother in our lives because of abuse?

Today is my first Mother's Day without my "mother".  This is my first year that I have been "out" to accept the fact that my "mother" was an evil person.  I have not talked to her in almost a year.  She has called but I refuse to talk to her.  She does not deserve my time.  So what do I celebrate today?

I celebrate MYSELF!! 
I am an amazing person.
I am a survivor.
I am an amazing mother.
I am my own mother.
I am a gift on earth.
I am great.
I am worth living.
I am worth getting to know.
I am strong.
I am a fighter.
I am a great friend.
I am honest.
I am courageous.
I am loving.
I am compassionate.
I am capable.
I am beautiful.
I am intelligent.
I am a mother.
I am wonderful.
I am ME!

Thank you to the higher power for making me who I am today.
Thank you to the higher power for giving me what I have today.
Thank you to the higher power for giving me the opportunities I have.
Thank you to the higher power for allowing me to live.
Thank you to the higher power for making me strong.
Thank you to the higher power.....

Happy Mother's Day to all of you that celebrate YOURSELVES on this wonderful day!!
Be good to yourself!!

Jaz

My Saving Grace....

Another song by Mariah Carey that inspires me....
Amazing Lyrics...

My Saving Grace  (click on link to open video in YouTube)
by Mariah Carey

"...I've loved a lot, hurt a lot
Been burned a lot in my life and times
Spent precious years wrapped up in fear
With no end in sight
Until my saving grace shined on me
Until my saving grace set me free..."

"... Yes, I've been bruised
Grew up confused
Been destitute
I've seen life from many sides
Been stigmatized
Been black and white
Felt inferior inside..."

"... Giving me peace
Giving me strength when I'd
Almost lost it all
Catching my every fall
I still exist because you keep me safe
I found my saving grace within you
And the bountiful things that you do
Lord thank you
For delivering me..."

I'm Gonna Make it Happen...

Make It Happen....  (click to access YouTube video)
by Mariah Carey

I listened to this song for the first time in a LONG time.  It really touched me and made me stronger. 

"...I often cried myself to sleep
But still I had to keep on going
Never knowing if I could take it
If I would make it through the night..."

"...If you believe in yourself enough
And know what you want
You're gonna make it happen
Make it happen
And if you get down on your knees at night
And pray to the Lord
He's gonna make it happen
Make it happen..."

"... I know life can be so tough
And you feel like giving up
But you must be strong
Baby just hold on
You'll never find the answers
If you throw your life away
I used to feel the way you do
Still I had to keep on going
Never knowing if I could take it
If I would make it through the night..."

I'm going to make this happen...