Jazmine

My host, Liz, has not been out in the world much.  She doesn't understand the way things work.  She is very naive to the ways of the world.  Even though she is an adult, she is very naive and gullible.  Due to this, we have decided to make a switch in the system.  I, Jazmine, will be out from now on.  So, I would like to introduce myself.

I am the one that harbors angry feelings.  I would come out when there was a threatening situation, and I would handle it.  I also took the brunt of the physical abuse.  I would be around to be beaten by cords, two by fours, or whatever was around.  I would take the slaps and hits.  I would also be given alcohol by my mother starting around the age of 6.  I would handle the "clean up" when Jillian would come out and cut herself.

I believed no one liked me because I am very blunt and say what is on my mind.  I do not sugar coat anything, and I am very straight forward.  My mother would tell me that no one liked me, and I shouldn't be around.  "Doc" is teaching me that I am worthy and I am needed in the system.

Since I have been out the system is doing better.  There has not been much switching, and I am trying to keep alters out of the foyer.  We are working on our "marathon" as "Doc" describes it but we are doing well now.

Jaz

Christmas Feelings

Christmas should bring feelings of joy and excitement. Feelings of love for the ones closest to you. However, for me Christmas brings mixed emotions.  Every alter has their own way of feeling. (These are the main ones that emerge...)

Liz (host)- I can feel this year. I don't feel like I'm just going through the motions.  I feel something...love for my children.

Jackie (child)-Wants to be with her mother. She misses the sociopath that brought us so much pain and suffering.   She wants to be with her and the family for Christmas.

Julie (child)-is nervous about Christmas. She wants to be away Christmas.  She doesn't like people, thinking they will hurt her again.

Jaz (teenager)-wants to party on Christmas. She likes to drink to run from the pain and suffering she was caused her whole life. (Although, she doesn't see it as running.)

Jillian (not sure of age)-is getting more anxious as Christmas approaches. She keeps showing me images from our past abuse.  She also thinks that others will hurt her again.

I am hoping that Christmas Day I will be able to contain the alters and we can have a civilized Christmas together as one big family unit!

Wishing you and yours a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

To Stay or Not to Stay

I have been "fighting" with other alters to stay out more.  When something is a trigger, stressful, or seen as a threat to the system, the alters want out. 

Last night I was fighting with Jazmine, Jaz, who is 16 and likes to party.  After our rough day/week at work she just wanted to "go get a drink". Well, Jaz we can't do that. We have children to look after and your one drink would turn into many drinks. 

Last night I was also fighting with Julie, Jules, who is 5, scared, and sad.  After a situation caused a trigger she wanted out. I'm not sure why. Seems like she would want to run and hide but instead she wanted out.  Possibly to talk to Dr. S about the trigger and how to get help. 

I don't remember fighting so hard before and having so many downs.  Dr. S said that's because I used to just let the alters take over and I would run.  This is so true. 

It was a rough night because of this.  But guess what?!?  I stayed out the whole time!!  I did not run from the stress or the trigger.  I stayed with my feelings. Man was it hard!

I guess I'm blogging about this to ask: Does anyone else feel this way sometimes? Does anyone else feel like they have to "Fight" to stay in control of the system?

Liz (host)