Buying for Alters

I have heard others talk about buying things for their alters to play with or things for them to do.  I have never done this before.  At least not bought something SPECIFIC for an alter.  So, I went to the store for the alters. 

For Jillian, I bought a pacifier.  I found out that a pacifier soothes her.  The constant pressure and sucking calms her nerves.

For Julie, I bought a coloring book.  She loves to color but has no coloring book of her own. She likes to color and give her pictures to Doc.

For Jackie, I bought a toy.  It was a little remote control car with a "My Little Pony" to go with it.  Jackie hasn't used her car yet.  She is upset about that. I promised her tomorrow she could use it and play all day.

Of course they all were with me and picked out what they wanted. Jackie was the most difficult.  She looked and looked around the toy aisle for about 30 minutes until we were able to find something she wanted.  (I'm sure people thought I was crazy talking to "myself" walking around.)

They were very excited to go and get something that is their very own.  It was a very interesting experience.


UPDATE!!! May 1, 2012
Jackie was able to play with her toy car last night.  She thoroughly enjoyed it.  I gave her 10 minutes and then told her she had to put it up.  She whined and didn't want to but I reminded her that if she did it, Doc and I would be so proud of her and she would get to come out more for playing and having fun.  She agreed and when we switched back it was like we got stuck.  I was out but she was still controlling me.  I told her to let go that it would be ok and she would get time out again.  She finally let go and we fully switched.  
 It was an interesting experience; since, this is the first time I had let an alter out to "play" with a toy that was their own.  
Just to know how happy it made her, made me want to work better with the system. 

Triggers

Fighting switching tonight...Oh how quickly things change.

I leaned a weird way and an alter came. The little one Was having memories of rape in the shower. He was making her bend over and raping her over and over.

"I did not want it but Jackie makes people think she wants it", Julie said.

So now Julie is scared and wants out to handle her feelings. I keep telling her to trust me. It's ok. There is no reason to come out. There is no threat of rape or any other abuse.
I will take care of her. I got this. But she wants out. She wants to see doc. She wants help. She wants to feel safe and she doesn't feel safe inside right now.

That's it! When they don't feel safe inside, they want out to control the situation. Maybe they feel they need to save me from danger. But there is no longer danger. There is no danger of abuse.

They must believe and listen to me. I need control to handle the situation. Not a child alter. I have to deal with this.

She wants to spend another night in the closet, Safe and sound.

Help me...I don't want to switch. But I think the switch is imminent.

As I write...

As I write I hear little voices. These voices are with me all day as I go about my business. Sometimes I can tune out the chatter by staying busy. Sometimes they are deafening and I don't want to hear them. Other times I love them and we carry on conversations.

Julie-Will you always care for me?
Me-Always and forever
Julie-Why didn't my mother take care of me?
Me-She didn't know how.
Julie-Why?
Me-She was troubled and just didn't know how to care for anyone.
Jackie-You don't have to take care of me. I can do it myself.
Me-Jackie, I love you too.  I will take care of you.
Julie-I love Liz. She loves me too.
Jackie-Well, I don't need her. (referring to Liz)
Me-Well if you ever need me, Jackie. I'm here. (Jackie leaves)
Julie-I don't like her. (referring to Jackie)
Me-Well, you need to like her.  She is like your sister. (Julie smiles her sweet inoccent smile and hugs me)


I am learning I must mother the little ones inside. We didn't have a mother that nurtured us and cared for us.  I must do this for them.  It is hard at times but it was even harder when I fought it. 

I am learning that I am special and it is great to have Dissociative Identity Disorder...I am NEVER alone!!

Christmas Feelings

Christmas should bring feelings of joy and excitement. Feelings of love for the ones closest to you. However, for me Christmas brings mixed emotions.  Every alter has their own way of feeling. (These are the main ones that emerge...)

Liz (host)- I can feel this year. I don't feel like I'm just going through the motions.  I feel something...love for my children.

Jackie (child)-Wants to be with her mother. She misses the sociopath that brought us so much pain and suffering.   She wants to be with her and the family for Christmas.

Julie (child)-is nervous about Christmas. She wants to be away Christmas.  She doesn't like people, thinking they will hurt her again.

Jaz (teenager)-wants to party on Christmas. She likes to drink to run from the pain and suffering she was caused her whole life. (Although, she doesn't see it as running.)

Jillian (not sure of age)-is getting more anxious as Christmas approaches. She keeps showing me images from our past abuse.  She also thinks that others will hurt her again.

I am hoping that Christmas Day I will be able to contain the alters and we can have a civilized Christmas together as one big family unit!

Wishing you and yours a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Stigma of DID

The stigma of DID is one I can't get over. Why is it that I am to keep my diagnosis to myself for fear of how others might treat me or respond to me?
Is it because of the misconceptions associated with DID?

My Past
I am just learning of my past abuse.  As the host, I have VERY few memories of my childhood.  I don't have memories before I was ten.  There are alters that hold those memories.  As a child I was prostituted out by my mother.  I am not sure the age that it started.  I know that it was as early as age 5 and could have been earlier.  All of my alters aren't speaking at this time.  Some just show my images of abuse.  Others talk to me and Dr. S. about their abuse.  This happened in a church setting as well as at our home.  It continued until I was a teenager around the age of 17. 
The images that are shown to me by alters are those of people watching while men repeatedly rape a little girl.  One alter, Jackie, talks about laying on top of men, hugging men, and seducing men while our mother watches.  Another alter, Julie, was raped by men in the church.  She was forced to have sex with men so that our mother could get money. 


My Diagnosis
I have only recently been diagnosed with DID.  It has been about 6 months.  I didn't want to accept the fact that what I experience in my head and what I hear on a daily basis isn't what everyone hears.  I didn't want to accept the fact that not everyone loses time and doesn't remember doing activities.  DID is a diagnosis with a stigma attached to it.  People often confuse it with schizophrenia.  But DID isn't schizophrenia.  It is a response created by my mind to protect me from horrific child abuse. 
As soon as I received my diagnosis Dr. S. said do not share this diagnosis with just anyone. There is a stigma that goes along with this diagnosis.  Is that fair to me?
Is it fair that I was abused as a child and now I am the one hiding from the results of that abuse?

The secrets continue....

Liz

To Stay or Not to Stay

I have been "fighting" with other alters to stay out more.  When something is a trigger, stressful, or seen as a threat to the system, the alters want out. 

Last night I was fighting with Jazmine, Jaz, who is 16 and likes to party.  After our rough day/week at work she just wanted to "go get a drink". Well, Jaz we can't do that. We have children to look after and your one drink would turn into many drinks. 

Last night I was also fighting with Julie, Jules, who is 5, scared, and sad.  After a situation caused a trigger she wanted out. I'm not sure why. Seems like she would want to run and hide but instead she wanted out.  Possibly to talk to Dr. S about the trigger and how to get help. 

I don't remember fighting so hard before and having so many downs.  Dr. S said that's because I used to just let the alters take over and I would run.  This is so true. 

It was a rough night because of this.  But guess what?!?  I stayed out the whole time!!  I did not run from the stress or the trigger.  I stayed with my feelings. Man was it hard!

I guess I'm blogging about this to ask: Does anyone else feel this way sometimes? Does anyone else feel like they have to "Fight" to stay in control of the system?

Liz (host)