Switching is eminent. It is in the near future. I feel so sad, so scared. I just want to cry and scream and run and stay and fight and yell. What do I do? How do I handle this?
I just want to be alone. I don't want anyone around. Tears streaming down my face as I sit. I can't do this but I have to.
Everyone is fighting against me. Everyone wants me to fail. Everyone wants me to fall down on my face.
Elizabeth-"Just take the whole bottle of sleeping pills. You won't have live like this anymore. A gun would work fine as well. Just end it now" (I can see the bullet going through my head, into my brain, and lodging in my skull.)
Jason-"Just have a drink. Drown everything away and out. Have fun and enjoy it. Get rid of your problems."
Elizabeth-"But they will be there in the morning. My way is the best. Problems are gone forever and ever. No more suffering."
All I can do is imagine my children with no mother and no real understanding or explanation of why. Why their mother left them? Why their mother didn't love them? Why their mother was so screwed up?
I will mess them up and they will have fucked up childhoods and need therapy. It will be the legacy continued. The abusers win this way. But what am I to do?It's so hard to fight. To fight ALONE! I have no one to talk to. No one that can relate. No one that can help. Therapy is few and far between. (Not that she doesn't try, because she works hard for me, day and night--everyday) But ultimately, I'm alone. I have no one to talk to. Just to tell my feelings to. Just to explain my thoughts. Just to take my mind off of things for a bit.
(Elizabeth interjects now, "Just die.")
Is that it? Is that my only option out of this mess I'm in? To leave this world?
I feel things are moving slow right now. In slow motion. I took 3 sleeping pills hoping the effects would set in FAST and LAST!
(Elizabeth interjects now, "There are more in the bottle. Just finish them off. They won't hurt you. Just do it.")
What do I do?
How do I react?
How do I respond?
I'm sorry you're feeling so badly right now. When I'm feeling suicidal, I visit this page http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ It helps a little sometimes. You're a wonderful mother to two precious and beautiful little girls. It's very thoughtful and kind of you to think of them and their feelings and future if you die. It's also really nice of your alters to attempt to help you -in their own ways. I hope you feel better after a good sleep. Take care, rl
ReplyDeleteRL,
DeleteThanks so much for the kind words! They are very much appreciated. I will definitely check out the website. Thanks for the recommendation!
Jaz
Sleep can be helpful. Focusing on the one thing that keeps you going. I traveled this path and now I am glad that I didn't use any of the methods I planned. Plan for a future. Yea your kids will have some hard times but they can also help you to pull through. Focus on staying with them. May I suggest that you now have a voice perhaps tell the suicidal thoughts that they can be quiet now, it is your turn to speak.
ReplyDeleteRuth,
DeleteYou are always here to comment and give me kind words! I appreciate each and every word! I am planning for a future. I am in school and have 10 months left until I graduate. I am trying to remain positive and be focused on my goal. I am going to talk with the alters and tell them I can't be like that any more. I can't leave this world. Nor can I have those thoughts. They are detrimental to myself and my loved ones. I need more communication with them. Less running....something for me to work on.
Thanks as always! <3
I hope things are going better. There are people who care about you very much even though there are times when it doesn't feel that way.
ReplyDeleteDale,
DeleteThank you for stopping by. Things are better today. I know there are people that care it's just hard to see when you feel you are in an abyss. Thanks for the reminder though!! I always need one!
Jaz