Friday, June 7, 2013
Switching is eminent. It is in the near future. I feel so sad, so scared. I just want to cry and scream and run and stay and fight and yell. What do I do? How do I handle this?
I just want to be alone. I don't want anyone around. Tears streaming down my face as I sit. I can't do this but I have to.
Everyone is fighting against me. Everyone wants me to fail. Everyone wants me to fall down on my face.
Elizabeth-"Just take the whole bottle of sleeping pills. You won't have live like this anymore. A gun would work fine as well. Just end it now" (I can see the bullet going through my head, into my brain, and lodging in my skull.)
Jason-"Just have a drink. Drown everything away and out. Have fun and enjoy it. Get rid of your problems."
Elizabeth-"But they will be there in the morning. My way is the best. Problems are gone forever and ever. No more suffering."
All I can do is imagine my children with no mother and no real understanding or explanation of why. Why their mother left them? Why their mother didn't love them? Why their mother was so screwed up?
I will mess them up and they will have fucked up childhoods and need therapy. It will be the legacy continued. The abusers win this way. But what am I to do?
It's so hard to fight. To fight ALONE! I have no one to talk to. No one that can relate. No one that can help. Therapy is few and far between. (Not that she doesn't try, because she works hard for me, day and night--everyday) But ultimately, I'm alone. I have no one to talk to. Just to tell my feelings to. Just to explain my thoughts. Just to take my mind off of things for a bit.
(Elizabeth interjects now, "Just die.")
Is that it? Is that my only option out of this mess I'm in? To leave this world?
I feel things are moving slow right now. In slow motion. I took 3 sleeping pills hoping the effects would set in FAST and LAST!
(Elizabeth interjects now, "There are more in the bottle. Just finish them off. They won't hurt you. Just do it.")
What do I do?
How do I react?
How do I respond?