Diary Entry

Switching is eminent.  It is in the near future.  I feel so sad, so scared.  I just want to cry and scream and run and stay and fight and yell.  What do I do?  How do I handle this?

I just want to be alone.  I don't want anyone around. Tears streaming down my face as I sit. I can't do this but I have to.

Everyone is fighting against me.  Everyone wants me to fail.  Everyone wants me to fall down on my face.


Elizabeth-"Just take the whole bottle of sleeping pills.  You won't have live like this anymore.  A gun would work fine as well.  Just end it now" (I can see the bullet going through my head, into my brain, and lodging in my skull.)

Jason-"Just have a drink. Drown everything away and out. Have fun and enjoy it.  Get rid of your problems."

Elizabeth-"But they will be there in the morning.  My way is the best.  Problems are gone forever and ever.  No more suffering."

All I can do is imagine my children with no mother and no real understanding or explanation of why.  Why their mother left them? Why their mother didn't love them?  Why their mother was so screwed up?

I will mess them up and they will have fucked up childhoods and need therapy.  It will be the legacy continued.  The abusers win this way.  But what am I to do?

It's so hard to fight. To fight ALONE! I have no one to talk to. No one that can relate. No one that can help.  Therapy is few and far between.  (Not that she doesn't try, because she works hard for me, day and night--everyday) But ultimately, I'm alone.  I have no one to talk to.  Just to tell my feelings to. Just to explain my thoughts. Just to take my mind off of things for a bit. 

(Elizabeth interjects now, "Just die.")

Is that it? Is that my only option out of this mess I'm in? To leave this world?

I feel things are moving slow right now. In slow motion. I took 3 sleeping pills hoping the effects would set in FAST and LAST! 

(Elizabeth interjects now, "There are more in the bottle.  Just finish them off.  They won't hurt you. Just do it.")

What do I do?
How do I react?
How do I respond?

As I write...

As I write I hear little voices. These voices are with me all day as I go about my business. Sometimes I can tune out the chatter by staying busy. Sometimes they are deafening and I don't want to hear them. Other times I love them and we carry on conversations.

Julie-Will you always care for me?
Me-Always and forever
Julie-Why didn't my mother take care of me?
Me-She didn't know how.
Julie-Why?
Me-She was troubled and just didn't know how to care for anyone.
Jackie-You don't have to take care of me. I can do it myself.
Me-Jackie, I love you too.  I will take care of you.
Julie-I love Liz. She loves me too.
Jackie-Well, I don't need her. (referring to Liz)
Me-Well if you ever need me, Jackie. I'm here. (Jackie leaves)
Julie-I don't like her. (referring to Jackie)
Me-Well, you need to like her.  She is like your sister. (Julie smiles her sweet inoccent smile and hugs me)


I am learning I must mother the little ones inside. We didn't have a mother that nurtured us and cared for us.  I must do this for them.  It is hard at times but it was even harder when I fought it. 

I am learning that I am special and it is great to have Dissociative Identity Disorder...I am NEVER alone!!

Listening to Alters

Again last night I was awoke by an alter.  This alter began flashing these horrific images through my mind. I begged the alter to stop and tried to communicate with him/her but he/she wouldn't respond.   I told the alter that only Dr. S. could help with the pain that he/she has experienced.   I laid awake with these images for about an hour.  I was trying to get rid of them so I could sleep again.  What did this alter want?  Why would this alter not speak to me? How old was the alter?

This is just one instance of trying to decipher alter code.

I am constantly trying to talk with the alters and get to know them.  I have only been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder for about 6 months now.  I want to learn about the alters.  I feel as though the more I am up for learning and actually LISTENING to them, the more I can hear.  The more alters that respond back.

This past weekend, however, has been a rough weekend.  Dr. S. told me that I needed a break from trying talk to them and since I have been "Fighting for control" (See previous Post...To Stay or Not to Stay.) I just needed to tell them to leave me alone for a while. 

So rather than getting into a power struggle with them I decided to just yell at them to leave me alone and go away.  I didn't want to talk to them or listen to them.  However, this isn't working that well either.  I feel like I am putting them off and not agreeing to work with the system.  The alters still come to talk but just get discouraged when I yell and tell them I don't want to hear from them at that very moment. 

Obviously this isn't working since I was awoke by horrific images....

How do you handle your system when you feel overwhelmed?

Liz