So yesterdayI had a therapy appointment, 2nd one since beginning of July. (Not by choice, due to schedule issues. Doc is wonderful. Talking through text and even took a Saturday to see me. Love that lady!)
My therapy appointment went well. I felt so good when I left. I felt like I had accomplished things and began to understand ways to help myself heal.
THOUGHTS I took away from this great session......
When a "normal" person has a memory or thinks about something in the past, the person is aware that it is a memory and it happened in the past. They may feel happy thinking about a good memory like traveling, or sad if thinking of a loved one that has passed. However, they are aware that it is a memory and they don't "feel" like they are back in the country they visited, nor do they "feel" like they are standing by the coffin and reliving the death of a loved one.
When a person with PTSD has a memory, they begin to "RELIVE" the memory. The person "feels" as if they are in the same situation at that particular time in the past. They are not "conscious" of their physical surroundings. They see their surroundings as they saw them so many years ago. There is a disconnect (blurring) between what is past and what is present.
I have alters that are living in fear in the past. When they want to "come out" or there is a "trigger" for my brain, these alters begin to get scared. They believe we are in the past and in present danger. Feelings of fear, sadness, suicide, terror, etc begin to overload my brain and body and "switching" occurs-because the FEELINGS of the past over take any knowledge/THINKING of what I KNOW is presently happening.
How this works: (example)
I am walking along a side walk and I feel a SUDDEN urge of sadness.
I am confused.
I think to myself, "Why am I sad? Did something happen?"
I "look around inside the house" and I see Julie. (Internal house-how my System is divided-described in previous post).
She is sad. She begins to flood me with FEELINGS of sadness from the past. She begins to show or talk to me about the past, as though it was the present.
I am flooded with FEELINGS and I am unable to THINK logically.
This flood takes over my brain, the past is brought forward, I am "inside" and Julie is "outside".
She is confused and scared.
From the inside I try THINKING-using logic-to help her.
I try to overwhelm the brain with THOUGHTS, the same way she overwhelmed the brain with FEELINGS.
I talk with her. I tell her I should be out. I tell her I can protect her. I tell her she is ok and we are safe.
Eventually, I am able to switch back with her. (May take minutes or hours)
THINKING is in charge again.
I am left confused, because I don't know why it happened, and I am left upset, because it happened.
Therapy Revelation.......
This is a matter of
FEELINGS vs THINKING.
To an outsider, and sometimes to me, it seems as though "we" are separate entities. However, "we" are ONE! We have one brain and one body. So when an alter begins to have a flashback, or believes they are in the past, it is still my brain and body; the FEELINGS of the alter (which are really MY FEELINGS given to the alter during the trauma) have overpowered the THINKING of the brain.
As the host of a "family" of alters, it is my job to protect, listen to, acknowledge, empathize, communicate with, maintain relationships with, empower, heal, love, comfort, and learn from "The System". While doing all of these things, I must also maintain "MYSELF"! (Me: being part of a system but the one that must remain in charge of daily functioning.)
To accomplish all these tasks, I must stay in the present and not become overwhelmed with FEELINGS. I must use thinking, logic, and reason to stay "out" and keep "The System" in order.
My THINKING must be constant in times when FEELINGS want to overwhelm "The System":
~I must constantly THINK of where I am and what my surroundings are. This will help enable my brain to see the present.
~When I begin to have FEELINGS, I must not THINK of the FEELINGS. Instead I must THINK and repeat over and over, "This is a memory. It is not happening. I am in the present."
~When I THINK of the present, I can use tactile things in the environment to help with this logical THINKING.
~THINKING MUST come first.
~FEELINGS should never lead.
"Easier said than done", is my first THOUGHT!
"In order to change and be productive, these actions must occur", is my second THOUGHT.
"No one said change is easy, but living in the past is counterproductive and will NOT work", was my third and final THOUGHT.
New way of taking care of "The System", ruling by THOUGHTS and logic. NOT FEELINGS!! Acknowledging their FEELINGS but not letting them rule!!
So, here goes nothing....jumping in with faith knowing The Lord will guide me and YOU will be at the shore encouraging me the WHOLE time. "Come on", YOU say. "It's better on this side. I PROMISE you that!!"
Jaz
*Note: As I write this blog entry, I find a direct quote from Doc on this issue of FEELINGS vs THINKING. Her timing could not have been more perfect!
Quoting.....
"View
your mind as a container. The contents of the container determine how we
function. We have the ability to filter what we allow in and what we
keep out of our containers. I make it a practice of purposefully doing
this. It's a necessity. There's lots of badness and negativity that I
choose to ignore. Sometimes I just want to be silly and only entertain
such things. There are other times that I allow myself to grieve, look
at photos and cry me a river. Use your own strategies. Make your own
choices. However, I do encourage great care in what you allow in to your
thought process. It can make a great deal of difference in the
happiness of your lives. The
main thing is for the THINKER and not FEELER to remain in control. For
any of you that know about 'THE CIRCLES' (TA Theory), it's the ADULT
part of ourselves and not the INNER CHILD part of ourselves, remaining
in control." -Doc
"You are a control freak.
