A Nightmare or Reality

Everyone has, more than likely, had a nightmare that has woke them and left them on edge, feeling a little nervous and/or scared.

Anyone that suffers from PTSD has, more than likely, had a nightmare that has woke them and left them on edge, feeling a little nervous and/or scared.  The difference between the person with PTSD is this person has another feeling....was that my nightmare or was that reality?  Did that really happen?

And so my nightmare, or story, begins......

I am playing with some toys in the living room with a friend of mine.  My mom's boyfriend is there, with one of his friends, and they are high from drugs.  They are making fun of our toys and I am laughing at the men because they are funny when they are high, which is a normality in my life.  After a while, I can "sense" they are getting aggravated with my toys and my friend and I take them into my room. We are playing in there, for how long I am unsure.  
My mom's boyfriend comes busting into my room, his friend is gone I notice, and he is mean now, no longer funny.  I'm a little frightened and try not to show my fear.  I stand up to him.  Little 'ole me... He is aggravated I am still playing with those stupid toys. "They won't stop talking and repeating themselves", he says.  I get in his face and remind him, "you thought they were funny earlier."  (at some point my friend leaves...I look for her and she is gone)   
"Well, now I don't.  Are you talking back to me?" 
"When I want to play, you don't want me to." (again trying to stand firm and not show fear to my bully)
He snatches a few of the toys from me and throws them out.  
I take the few I have left and I make them begin the noise he hates, all at one time, all together; so, that it aggravates him off.  "I hate you," I think to myself.
He grabs the toys that are making the noises and yells, "You did that on purpose you little bitch."
"Yes, I did!", I yell back and slam my room door. 
I hear stomping and I know, "I messed up....."
He busts in my door and begins to hit me. No, not HIT me, BEAT me. Pushing, shoving, fists, open hands, whatever will hurt.  
I scream, "I'm calling the police!"
He throws me a phone, "Go ahead...."
I pick up the phone, dial a number, and through tears, and a quivering voice, I tell what happened and that I am afraid for my life.  
He snatches the phone from me, talks to the person on the line, and admits what he has done. 
"Someone is on the way to help ME," I think. 
"You better get out of here.  They are coming and they are going to arrest you," I yell.
He laughs and goes outside to get in his vehicle.  
From my window I can see what he is doing.  He is NOT leaving!! He does NOT seem scared!!! Why won't he go away!!!
The the front door opens, my SAVIOR from the phone call is here....my mom. 
She comes in and begins, "What did you do? Why is he mad? What have you done to upset him?"
He must have seen her come in because he comes back inside the house. 
I run to the door to try and block him. I'm too little; it doesn't work. 
He laughs. "The little bitch deserved this. She doesn't listen. You don't know how to raise a child." He starts in on my mom.  
I begin to scream, "I'm calling the police. you will do to jail."
He looks at me with glaring eyes...."You WILL NOT  call the police.  If you do, bad things will happen to everyone."
He is furious, angry. 
I am scared and cowering.  
He goes outside; my mom and I stand at my window and watch him.  He is getting tools.
He comes back to the front door and yells, "I'm leaving.  I'll be back. There better not be any police here when I get back. And DON'T shut this front door.  Don't you even think about locking me out."
Then he leaves. 
I run to the front door to shut it and lock him out but I get a shock.....the door has been taken off it's hinges.  I can't do anything to the door.  It is impossible to shut the door!
I begin to shake and yell for my mom, "He took the door off the hinges. We can't shut it. He will come back and hurt us."
"Shut up," she yells. "It will be fine. He will calm down. Just go to your room. I'll clean up the mess."
I can't accept that!! I run out of the house, whimpering, crying, fearing for my life.  
"When he comes back," I think to myself, "I will die.  He will kill me."  

I wake up....quivering, whimpering, scared, afraid. I am unsure where I am.  I am sure someone is about to come into my room and "get me". Feelings are taking over....this is where my THINKING vs FEELINGS needs to happen. 

I look around the room. I tell myself to calm down. I am ok. I am safe. I am in my own home.  I am the only adult in the home. I am an adult.  No one can hurt me.  I can take care of myself.  
"Get up!!" I tell myself.  "Walk around. Identify your present situation."
The clock says it's early but I can't lay back down.  I must get up and face any fear.  If I lay back down, FEELINGS will take over.  
I get up. I walk downstairs. I make a cup of coffee. I turn on lights. I turn on the TV. 

"Was this just a nightmare or was this reality that I am remembering via dream?"  PTSD thought...

I may never know....

Jaz
  

Tonight.....

As I sit here tonight I cry.
Tears streaming down my face.
I have no "feeling".
Inside I "feel" nothing.
The tears are the only thing that show I have "feeling".

I am able to talk to others as though I am fine.
I am able to smile and laugh. (Although, there is no happy "feeling" inside.)
I am able to look at you in your face and you not see anything.
I am able to act "as if..." (as if, there was NEVER any pain in my life)

No one really wants to hear you. 

No one really wants to know your story.

No one really wants to hear about your sadness.

No one really wants to hear about your anger. 

No one really cares.

"You are a control freak.

You are crazy.

You are like your mother.

You need help.

You don't listen.

You don't try.

You don't want to change.

You haven't learned. 

You won't learn.

You won't listen.

You don't want this."                                                                                                      

All these negative comments being thrown at me.
How can I stay positive 100% of the time?
If I don't stay positive, then I am broken.

So, I guess I am broken.
I guess I will never rise above broken.
I am an adult that needs help.
Perhaps, it's too much help.
Perhaps, I'm not able to be helped.
Perhaps, I am too broken.

"You couldn't control your mother and
now you want to control every else.
This isn't possible.
You can't control people.
People aren't pawns in your game.
This is why you NEED therapy"
(All I hear is negative comments....)

WHERE THE HELL IS MY POSITIVE?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

I could very easily let this become overwhelming.
Oh, how easy it would be to slip inside.
But I will fight it.
I will carry on. 

Jaz

*AMENDMENT* (8-27-13)

Although I used the words "no one", this is untrue.  The words "no one" are lies.  These lies are from my past.  They are still lies that I hear.  

People care: 
~Doc believes in me and gives me time, energy, encouragement, and confidence.
~My children are my big supporters.  They believe in me and love me!
~K. F. gives me encouragement and believes in me.
~M. H. encouraged me.
~Aunt K. is on my side and wants to "kick ass". 

FEELINGS vs THINKING

So yesterdayI had a therapy appointment, 2nd one since beginning of July. (Not by choice, due to schedule issues. Doc is wonderful. Talking through text and even took a Saturday to see me. Love that lady!)

My therapy appointment went well. I felt so good when I left. I felt like I had accomplished things and began to understand ways to help myself heal. 

THOUGHTS I took away from this great session......

When a "normal" person has a memory or thinks about something in the past, the person is aware that it is a memory and it happened in the past. They may feel happy thinking about a good memory like traveling, or sad if thinking of a loved one that has passed.  However, they are aware that it is a memory and they don't "feel" like they are back in the country they visited, nor do they "feel" like they are standing by the coffin and reliving the death of a loved one. 

When a person with PTSD has a memory, they begin to "RELIVE" the memory.  The person "feels" as if they are in the same situation at that particular time in the past.  They are not "conscious" of their physical surroundings. They see their surroundings as they saw them so many years ago. There is a disconnect (blurring) between what is past and what is present.  

I have alters that are living in fear in the past. When they want to "come out" or there is a "trigger" for my brain, these alters begin to get scared.  They believe we are in the past and in present danger.  Feelings of fear, sadness, suicide, terror, etc begin to overload my brain and body and "switching" occurs-because the FEELINGS of the past over take any knowledge/THINKING of what I KNOW is presently happening. 

How this works: (example)

I am walking along a side walk and I feel a SUDDEN urge of sadness. 
I am confused.  
I think to myself, "Why am I sad? Did something happen?" 

I "look around inside the house" and I see Julie. (Internal house-how my System is divided-described in previous post).

She is sad. She begins to flood me with FEELINGS of sadness from the past. She begins to show or talk to me about the past, as though it was the present. 

I am flooded with FEELINGS and I am unable to THINK logically.  

This flood takes over my brain, the past is brought forward, I am "inside" and Julie is "outside". 

She is confused and scared. 

From the inside I try THINKING-using logic-to help her. 

I try to overwhelm the brain with THOUGHTS, the same way she overwhelmed the brain with FEELINGS. 

I talk with her. I tell her I should be out. I tell her I can protect her. I tell her she is ok and we are safe. 

Eventually, I am able to switch back with her. (May take minutes or hours) 

THINKING is in charge again.

I am left confused, because I don't know why it happened, and I am left upset, because it happened.

Therapy Revelation.......

This is a matter of
FEELINGS vs THINKING.
   

To an outsider, and sometimes to me, it seems as though "we" are separate entities.  However, "we" are ONE! We have one brain and one body.  So when an alter begins to have a flashback, or believes they are in the past, it is still my brain and body; the FEELINGS of the alter (which are really MY FEELINGS given to the alter during the trauma) have overpowered the THINKING of the brain.  

As the host of a "family" of alters, it is my job to protect, listen to, acknowledge, empathize, communicate with, maintain relationships with, empower, heal, love, comfort, and learn from "The System".  While doing all of these things, I must also maintain "MYSELF"! (Me: being part of a system but the one that must remain in charge of daily functioning.)

To accomplish all these tasks, I must stay in the present and not become overwhelmed with FEELINGS. I must use thinking, logic, and reason to stay "out" and keep "The System"  in order. 

My THINKING must be constant in times when FEELINGS want to overwhelm "The System":

~I must constantly THINK of where I am and what my surroundings are.  This will help enable my brain to see the present. 

~When I begin to have FEELINGS, I must not THINK of the FEELINGS.  Instead I must THINK and repeat over and over, "This is a memory. It is not happening. I am in the present." 

~When I THINK of the present, I can use tactile things in the environment to help with this logical THINKING. 

~THINKING MUST come first. 

~FEELINGS should never lead. 

"Easier said than done", is my first THOUGHT!

"In order to change and be productive, these actions must occur", is my second THOUGHT.

"No one said change is easy, but living in the past is counterproductive and will NOT work", was my third and final THOUGHT.

New way of taking care of "The System", ruling by THOUGHTS and logic. NOT FEELINGS!! Acknowledging their FEELINGS but not letting them rule!!

So, here goes nothing....jumping in with faith knowing The Lord will guide me and YOU will be at the shore encouraging me the WHOLE time. "Come on", YOU say.  "It's better on this side. I PROMISE you that!!"

Jaz





*Note: As I write this blog entry, I find a direct quote from Doc on this issue of FEELINGS vs THINKING.  Her timing could not have been more perfect!

Quoting.....
"View your mind as a container. The contents of the container determine how we function. We have the ability to filter what we allow in and what we keep out of our containers. I make it a practice of purposefully doing this. It's a necessity. There's lots of badness and negativity that I choose to ignore. Sometimes I just want to be silly and only entertain such things. There are other times that I allow myself to grieve, look at photos and cry me a river. Use your own strategies. Make your own choices. However, I do encourage great care in what you allow in to your thought process. It can make a great deal of difference in the happiness of your lives. The main thing is for the THINKER and not FEELER to remain in control. For any of you that know about 'THE CIRCLES' (TA Theory), it's the ADULT part of ourselves and not the INNER CHILD part of ourselves, remaining in control." -Doc