FEELINGS vs THINKING

So yesterdayI had a therapy appointment, 2nd one since beginning of July. (Not by choice, due to schedule issues. Doc is wonderful. Talking through text and even took a Saturday to see me. Love that lady!)

My therapy appointment went well. I felt so good when I left. I felt like I had accomplished things and began to understand ways to help myself heal. 

THOUGHTS I took away from this great session......

When a "normal" person has a memory or thinks about something in the past, the person is aware that it is a memory and it happened in the past. They may feel happy thinking about a good memory like traveling, or sad if thinking of a loved one that has passed.  However, they are aware that it is a memory and they don't "feel" like they are back in the country they visited, nor do they "feel" like they are standing by the coffin and reliving the death of a loved one. 

When a person with PTSD has a memory, they begin to "RELIVE" the memory.  The person "feels" as if they are in the same situation at that particular time in the past.  They are not "conscious" of their physical surroundings. They see their surroundings as they saw them so many years ago. There is a disconnect (blurring) between what is past and what is present.  

I have alters that are living in fear in the past. When they want to "come out" or there is a "trigger" for my brain, these alters begin to get scared.  They believe we are in the past and in present danger.  Feelings of fear, sadness, suicide, terror, etc begin to overload my brain and body and "switching" occurs-because the FEELINGS of the past over take any knowledge/THINKING of what I KNOW is presently happening. 

How this works: (example)

I am walking along a side walk and I feel a SUDDEN urge of sadness. 
I am confused.  
I think to myself, "Why am I sad? Did something happen?" 

I "look around inside the house" and I see Julie. (Internal house-how my System is divided-described in previous post).

She is sad. She begins to flood me with FEELINGS of sadness from the past. She begins to show or talk to me about the past, as though it was the present. 

I am flooded with FEELINGS and I am unable to THINK logically.  

This flood takes over my brain, the past is brought forward, I am "inside" and Julie is "outside". 

She is confused and scared. 

From the inside I try THINKING-using logic-to help her. 

I try to overwhelm the brain with THOUGHTS, the same way she overwhelmed the brain with FEELINGS. 

I talk with her. I tell her I should be out. I tell her I can protect her. I tell her she is ok and we are safe. 

Eventually, I am able to switch back with her. (May take minutes or hours) 

THINKING is in charge again.

I am left confused, because I don't know why it happened, and I am left upset, because it happened.

Therapy Revelation.......

This is a matter of
FEELINGS vs THINKING.
   

To an outsider, and sometimes to me, it seems as though "we" are separate entities.  However, "we" are ONE! We have one brain and one body.  So when an alter begins to have a flashback, or believes they are in the past, it is still my brain and body; the FEELINGS of the alter (which are really MY FEELINGS given to the alter during the trauma) have overpowered the THINKING of the brain.  

As the host of a "family" of alters, it is my job to protect, listen to, acknowledge, empathize, communicate with, maintain relationships with, empower, heal, love, comfort, and learn from "The System".  While doing all of these things, I must also maintain "MYSELF"! (Me: being part of a system but the one that must remain in charge of daily functioning.)

To accomplish all these tasks, I must stay in the present and not become overwhelmed with FEELINGS. I must use thinking, logic, and reason to stay "out" and keep "The System"  in order. 

My THINKING must be constant in times when FEELINGS want to overwhelm "The System":

~I must constantly THINK of where I am and what my surroundings are.  This will help enable my brain to see the present. 

~When I begin to have FEELINGS, I must not THINK of the FEELINGS.  Instead I must THINK and repeat over and over, "This is a memory. It is not happening. I am in the present." 

~When I THINK of the present, I can use tactile things in the environment to help with this logical THINKING. 

~THINKING MUST come first. 

~FEELINGS should never lead. 

"Easier said than done", is my first THOUGHT!

"In order to change and be productive, these actions must occur", is my second THOUGHT.

"No one said change is easy, but living in the past is counterproductive and will NOT work", was my third and final THOUGHT.

New way of taking care of "The System", ruling by THOUGHTS and logic. NOT FEELINGS!! Acknowledging their FEELINGS but not letting them rule!!

So, here goes nothing....jumping in with faith knowing The Lord will guide me and YOU will be at the shore encouraging me the WHOLE time. "Come on", YOU say.  "It's better on this side. I PROMISE you that!!"

Jaz





*Note: As I write this blog entry, I find a direct quote from Doc on this issue of FEELINGS vs THINKING.  Her timing could not have been more perfect!

Quoting.....
"View your mind as a container. The contents of the container determine how we function. We have the ability to filter what we allow in and what we keep out of our containers. I make it a practice of purposefully doing this. It's a necessity. There's lots of badness and negativity that I choose to ignore. Sometimes I just want to be silly and only entertain such things. There are other times that I allow myself to grieve, look at photos and cry me a river. Use your own strategies. Make your own choices. However, I do encourage great care in what you allow in to your thought process. It can make a great deal of difference in the happiness of your lives. The main thing is for the THINKER and not FEELER to remain in control. For any of you that know about 'THE CIRCLES' (TA Theory), it's the ADULT part of ourselves and not the INNER CHILD part of ourselves, remaining in control." -Doc

Call from the Past

Sitting in therapy my phone rings.  I look down to see who is calling, and it's like a ghost is calling me.  My phone says "Momma Calling."  My immediate thought...."I didn't even know I had her phone number." My second thought...."What the hell does she want? Why is she calling me?"

Doc says not to answer. Just wait and see if she leaves a voice mail message.  Well, she doesn't leave a message.  20 minutes go by and it's time to go but that phone call is bugging me.  I want to know:

• Why she was calling?  
• Who does she think she is? 
• What does she want?
• Is this my time to yell at her?
• Should I confront her?
• Should I call her back?
• Did she find out I broke silence and told my family?
• Is she going to say something to me about the past?

Well, I made a decision.  I was calling her.  Doc said I had to call during therapy.  Not at home alone. First, I called my uncle to see if she had called him.  He didn't answer.  "Screw it!," I thought.  "Who cares what she knows." She doesn't control me anymore.  What the hell can she do to me?  I am grown and she is dying a slow, painful death of kidney failure.  So I hit the callback button.

It rings.  Once, Twice, Three, Four times.  Doc says, "She ain't going to answer you now.  She is going to do a power play and make you wait."  "No," I say. "She will answer." Fifth ring and I hear background noise and "hello".  The background noise is a trigger.  It IMMEDIATELY sends me back to my childhood.  I am sitting in an apartment all alone at 2am.  I call "The Silver Fox".  I don't have to look up the number.  I know the number by heart because I call it so much.  I call, I hear background noise, and the bartender says, "Silver Fox".  I ask for my mom and the bartender yells, "Vickie, it's your kid again."  "What do you want," my mom asks. "I want you to come home.  It's late and I'm scared, " I say.  "Oh, leave me alone.  I'll come home later." And the phone goes dead. 

"Hello", she says again.  I am shaken from my past. I know she is sitting in a bar.
 "Hello?", I say.
"HEY!", she says.  (like we are best friends)
"You called me?"
"Yes, I did"
"What do you need?"
"I want to know if I can come see you and the girls.  I miss you."
"Are you drunk?"  (She is taken back by this question.  Her tone changes.)
"Well, as a matter of fact, yes I am. Can I come see you?"
"NO!! I told you to never contact me or my family again. That's what I meant!" I yell into the phone. And then I hang up.

I am shaking and mad.  At the same time I feel strength.  I did it!! I called her back.  I stood up to her.  I confronted her. I was strong and she thought I would be weak. I am smiling and laughing.  It felt GREAT!!

There is so much that I wish now that I would have said before I hung up.  I wanted to say:

• Why did you do what you did?
• Did you think I wouldn't remember?
• Do you know how you have screwed my life up?
• Why did you let those men fuck me?
• Why did you beat me?
• Why were you a drunk?
• Did you EVER care about me?
• You thought I wouldn't remember.
• They told you I would probably never remember.  But guess what?!?!
• I know now BITCH! 
• I know what you did to me!
• And I am furious!!!

 I might not ever get to ask any of those questions before she dies.  And even if i ask those questions, I am not expecting her to acknowledge one single thing that she did to me.

But there can be NO regrets. I do not regret hanging up on her and not saying anything else about it.  I got in the last word.  She knows I am furious and she KNOWS that I KNOW.  She may not admit it but she KNOWS that I KNOW.  That is why she was sitting on a bar stool at a bar drunk.

She knows she did wrong.  She may or may not regret what she did to me.  But I can't let that affect me in my present life.  I must live MY life to the fullest.  With NO regrets and NO looking back.  I am crossing my bridge one baby step at a time.   And that phone call allowed me to take a leap onto my bridge to my healing process.

"Spread your wings and prepare to fly, butterfly!"
Jaz

What is it about weekends?

My system seems to go haywire on Fridays.  It doesn't begin to work together until around Monday.  Doc has been saying this for a while now.  "I don't know what it is about weekends," she would say.  "Something happens.  What is your trigger?"  My response "I don't know..."

Tonight, Ty DEMANDED therapy time.  Stating he wanted his own time and he wanted to change his destructive ways.  My alters come and go quickly on the weekends.  They begin to need to talk to Doc, and they need comforting.  The alters get scared and some become demanding and vulgar.   

This always left me feeling like I was some how failing in some way.  What could it be about the weekends?  Why do I have such problems with the alters on the weekends?  How do I find the trigger that messes up the weekends?

I used to think it was because I would work all week and stay busy until the weekend.  That is when I had more time to myself, the system, and more time to think.  However, I am not working now and the weekends are still the biggest issue.  Then it hit me.....

What if the system goes haywire on Fridays because the system is scared of the weekend?  What if that was the time we were most vulnerable to sexual acts and prostitution?  This makes sense.

Although this is pure speculation about my system, it fits together.  Most adults are free over the weekend; so this would be PRIME time to prostitute your child.  This is when most men would be interested and would be available. 

Could this be the true reason for my system failure on the weekends?

Jazz
Double Z Doc....  :-)