Tonight.....

As I sit here tonight I cry.
Tears streaming down my face.
I have no "feeling".
Inside I "feel" nothing.
The tears are the only thing that show I have "feeling".

I am able to talk to others as though I am fine.
I am able to smile and laugh. (Although, there is no happy "feeling" inside.)
I am able to look at you in your face and you not see anything.
I am able to act "as if..." (as if, there was NEVER any pain in my life)

No one really wants to hear you. 

No one really wants to know your story.

No one really wants to hear about your sadness.

No one really wants to hear about your anger. 

No one really cares.

"You are a control freak.

You are crazy.

You are like your mother.

You need help.

You don't listen.

You don't try.

You don't want to change.

You haven't learned. 

You won't learn.

You won't listen.

You don't want this."                                                                                                      

All these negative comments being thrown at me.
How can I stay positive 100% of the time?
If I don't stay positive, then I am broken.

So, I guess I am broken.
I guess I will never rise above broken.
I am an adult that needs help.
Perhaps, it's too much help.
Perhaps, I'm not able to be helped.
Perhaps, I am too broken.

"You couldn't control your mother and
now you want to control every else.
This isn't possible.
You can't control people.
People aren't pawns in your game.
This is why you NEED therapy"
(All I hear is negative comments....)

WHERE THE HELL IS MY POSITIVE?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

I could very easily let this become overwhelming.
Oh, how easy it would be to slip inside.
But I will fight it.
I will carry on. 

Jaz

*AMENDMENT* (8-27-13)

Although I used the words "no one", this is untrue.  The words "no one" are lies.  These lies are from my past.  They are still lies that I hear.  

People care: 
~Doc believes in me and gives me time, energy, encouragement, and confidence.
~My children are my big supporters.  They believe in me and love me!
~K. F. gives me encouragement and believes in me.
~M. H. encouraged me.
~Aunt K. is on my side and wants to "kick ass". 

Diary Entry Response

Dear Me,


This past weekend was rough.  I am glad that you were able to find an outlet and journal online.  It was very helpful.  It helps me see my thinking when I'm not thinking clearly.  When my brain feels "cloudy" and I can't think or focus on anything. 
My feelings/thoughts this weekend:

• cloudy mind
• suicidal ideation
• Satan chasing me
• I was running from death
• if I was to focus on anything besides staying alive, I would fall or stumble
• If I fell or stumbled, I would have "lost time" and may have died
• there was nothing I could do
• Staying a step ahead of death was my only option
• I had no medication
• I could find no LOGICAL reason for crying, being upset, suicide
• I could not focus on positive (not because I didn't see any, because if I did I would take my thoughts off of staying ahead of death, and then I would fall)
• my girls kept me alive
• not wanting to continue the legacy of abuse kept me alive
• not wanting to let the abusers win kept me alive

I was able to keep my head above water.  I was able to maintain some sense of being and living.  This is something positive for me to look at.  Every day that I am here is another victory! Another day that the abusers didn't win. Another day that I am alive and here for my children!

You and Me

I was helped this weekend by a CARING and LOVING soul,while they marched the last part of their 5K unsure they would finish.  The 5K was a special event for this person.  It was a battle they were determined to win.  They have a special reason for completing that 5K.  Not just to say they did it, but for a VERY special person in their life.  However, while they marched, they were texting me.  Not wanting to give up on their race, but not wanting to give up on me either.  This person took the time and energy to help me.  Energy that was depleting them from their goal-but NEVER giving up.  This person has not given up on me.  This person has shown me what UNCONDITIONAL love means.  This person is also to be recognized for my success this weekend.  You are an EXTRA SPECIAL person.  I truly love you!  You hold a special place in my heart that NO ONE can/will replace. You are MY angel on earth-placed in my path at various times for various reasons.

Some things I realized and tweeted on today: (referring to DID)

• We fight a battle and we feel alone. But in reality we have a force with us always.  Sometimes they are with us and sometimes they are against us.  But they are there regardless. 
• But they are always there-like siblings.  And like siblings, we have to learn to get along while being in each other's spaces. 
• This calls for MUTUAL respect, caring, and understanding from everyone. 
• This is needed for healing!

I know you are at the shore reaching out...I'm reaching back!  

I am on a healing journey.  With the help of God, Doc, and myself, I will continue on my journey to healing.  I will reach my destination.  It has not been easy.  Nor will it be easy in the future.  But with support (including my reader's support) I will make it.  I will win this battle.  I will finish this journey.

Jaz

Am I like you?

I am confused about something I hear a lot.  I hear "She (someone with DID) is just like us (someone without DID).  We (someone without DID) have child parts and rebellious parts.  We (someone without DID) have parts that contradict each other.  We (someone without DID) just didn't develop them into separate people like she (someone with DID) did."  
This confuses me and I do NOT like to hear this stated.  But I think when someone says, "The person with DID is like us,"  makes people think "so, the voice I hear could be an alter, someone else talking to me?" Especially when it is stated in a group where people have been previously abused.  It is a BIG pet peeve of mine. It actually pisses me off. 

I think this is my pet peeve because I feel like it discounts me as a person with DID, and I feel that others believe they may have DID too because they think we are similar. 

I do not know what life is like a for a "singleton".  I do not know how their brain works.  (I'm not sure I understand how my own brain works.  Nor do I pretend I understand.)  I am not sure what a "monologue" in a "normal" brain sounds like.


In my mind I don't hear a "monologue".  I hear a bunch of noise, different voices and commotion.  There is not a "monologue" guiding me or leading me around.  There are many different voices I hear, must decipher who is speaking, and what their motive is for speaking.

Are we (people with DID) like "singletons" (someone without DID)? No, I don't believe we are.  I believe that we are different than "singletons".  Our brain functions differently than a "singleton's" brain functions.  Our brain has allowed us to do something different.  It allowed us to take our abuse and "give it to someone else" (an alter), so we did not have to feel or remember it.


Since our brain functions differently, we can't say "She is just like us, except she has separate people."  That would be like saying a Volkswagen and a Ford are the same.  Well why not, they are both cars and take you from place to place.  But I bet the mechanic that had to work on the vehicles would dare to differ.  That the two vehicles are NOT the same.

If this is the case, then I am NOT just like you. I am ME and I am DIFFERENT.  My child parts suffered horrific abuse and are unable to see past that.  My child parts are actually children I SEE and have CONVERSATIONS with.  They are not just a child part that allows me to be silly at times.  They, and my other parts, are seen as REAL people. 



What are your thoughts on the situation?
Have you ever heard anyone state "Well, you're just like us, except you have different people?"
What were your thoughts/reactions?


Jaz