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I am a woman learning to heal from past sexual, emotional, and physical abuse along with neglect. I have been diagnosised with DID and Complex PTSD both direct causes of the abuse. jazmineo1112@yahoo.com

Sunday, December 11, 2011


Note: This post may contain triggers.

Tonight I was on the computer trying to find something specific to buy to help my system work better.  This search began to produce triggers inside for Julie.  So I stopped and tried to listen to her. I played her some music and did various things to help her feel safe. 

She began feeling the pains of being raped. She could feel a man with his fingers inside her jamming them harder and harder.  She could feel a man on top of her with his penis inside her. He was shoving it inside her.  She wanted him to stop.  She was scared and crying for him to stop.  She grabbed her stomach and vagina to protect herself but nothing was working.  It began to hurt inside.

The more pain Julie felt a new alter began to emerge...Jillian.  Jillian is a self-injurious alter. Jillian doesn't talk. She just cuts and stares off in trances. She experienced deep pain and in order for her to cope she cuts herself. So in order to cope with the pain inside her vagina Jillian grabbed a sharp object and began to cut and slice at her arms. 

This is the moment I loose all consciousness.  When I come out again. The body is in pain.  There are cuts to both arms.  Both arms are bleeding.  I wash them off with cold water and dry them with a towel.  The arms are bleeding and stinging.  I place neosporin on the arms and put on long sleeves to cover the cuts.

Then it hits me....a feeling I have NEVER felt before....ANGER!
Anger towards the one person that should have protected me....My mother.  Anger towards her for causing me pain.  I feel sorry for the alters, and myself, for having being put in the predicament we were in as children...being prostituted out, beaten, being left alone while she went to the bars, and much much more...


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