Call from the Past

Sitting in therapy my phone rings.  I look down to see who is calling, and it's like a ghost is calling me.  My phone says "Momma Calling."  My immediate thought...."I didn't even know I had her phone number." My second thought...."What the hell does she want? Why is she calling me?"

Doc says not to answer. Just wait and see if she leaves a voice mail message.  Well, she doesn't leave a message.  20 minutes go by and it's time to go but that phone call is bugging me.  I want to know:

• Why she was calling?  
• Who does she think she is? 
• What does she want?
• Is this my time to yell at her?
• Should I confront her?
• Should I call her back?
• Did she find out I broke silence and told my family?
• Is she going to say something to me about the past?

Well, I made a decision.  I was calling her.  Doc said I had to call during therapy.  Not at home alone. First, I called my uncle to see if she had called him.  He didn't answer.  "Screw it!," I thought.  "Who cares what she knows." She doesn't control me anymore.  What the hell can she do to me?  I am grown and she is dying a slow, painful death of kidney failure.  So I hit the callback button.

It rings.  Once, Twice, Three, Four times.  Doc says, "She ain't going to answer you now.  She is going to do a power play and make you wait."  "No," I say. "She will answer." Fifth ring and I hear background noise and "hello".  The background noise is a trigger.  It IMMEDIATELY sends me back to my childhood.  I am sitting in an apartment all alone at 2am.  I call "The Silver Fox".  I don't have to look up the number.  I know the number by heart because I call it so much.  I call, I hear background noise, and the bartender says, "Silver Fox".  I ask for my mom and the bartender yells, "Vickie, it's your kid again."  "What do you want," my mom asks. "I want you to come home.  It's late and I'm scared, " I say.  "Oh, leave me alone.  I'll come home later." And the phone goes dead. 

"Hello", she says again.  I am shaken from my past. I know she is sitting in a bar.
 "Hello?", I say.
"HEY!", she says.  (like we are best friends)
"You called me?"
"Yes, I did"
"What do you need?"
"I want to know if I can come see you and the girls.  I miss you."
"Are you drunk?"  (She is taken back by this question.  Her tone changes.)
"Well, as a matter of fact, yes I am. Can I come see you?"
"NO!! I told you to never contact me or my family again. That's what I meant!" I yell into the phone. And then I hang up.

I am shaking and mad.  At the same time I feel strength.  I did it!! I called her back.  I stood up to her.  I confronted her. I was strong and she thought I would be weak. I am smiling and laughing.  It felt GREAT!!

There is so much that I wish now that I would have said before I hung up.  I wanted to say:

• Why did you do what you did?
• Did you think I wouldn't remember?
• Do you know how you have screwed my life up?
• Why did you let those men fuck me?
• Why did you beat me?
• Why were you a drunk?
• Did you EVER care about me?
• You thought I wouldn't remember.
• They told you I would probably never remember.  But guess what?!?!
• I know now BITCH! 
• I know what you did to me!
• And I am furious!!!

 I might not ever get to ask any of those questions before she dies.  And even if i ask those questions, I am not expecting her to acknowledge one single thing that she did to me.

But there can be NO regrets. I do not regret hanging up on her and not saying anything else about it.  I got in the last word.  She knows I am furious and she KNOWS that I KNOW.  She may not admit it but she KNOWS that I KNOW.  That is why she was sitting on a bar stool at a bar drunk.

She knows she did wrong.  She may or may not regret what she did to me.  But I can't let that affect me in my present life.  I must live MY life to the fullest.  With NO regrets and NO looking back.  I am crossing my bridge one baby step at a time.   And that phone call allowed me to take a leap onto my bridge to my healing process.

"Spread your wings and prepare to fly, butterfly!"
Jaz