Pretending

I am tired of pretending.  I am tired of looking at the world and pretending I am a singleton. I am a multiple.  That's who I am. Take it or leave it.

Tonight I am alone with my thoughts. I am learning to live with all these conversations in my head and understand that it is NOT what everyone else hears or experiences on a daily basis. 

Tonight I am sad and lonely.  I am missing affection and company.  The way I show affection is by hugging and laying with men.  My purpose was to protect Liz from laying with men.  So I am not supposed to lay with anyone now.  Vickie made me lay with men to keep them company. Dr. S. said this is not supposed to happen.  That was not normal behavior from a mother-to watch her daughter lay with men starting at the age of 5. For me that's as far as it went.  There is another alter that went farther with men. She had sex with men. Dr. S. said this is rape.

I am sad. I want affection. I want to someone to love. I want someone to love me.
Jackie

Abuse

"When you were 3, I beat your little leg with the switch until you bled," mom said laughing.

How many times have I heard this story without realizing that this is WRONG? My mom told me that story my whole life.  She always thought it was funny and I would always laugh but it never hit me that it was abuse.

As I sit here I go to a new place.  I can remember "watching" myself being beat and begging for forgiveness. "Please don't do this. Please mom stop him. Don't let him beat me with a 2x4. Don't let him beat me with an extension cord. Please help me!"

She would just roll her eyes and walk away. Not once did she step in to help me. Not once did she stop the abuse.  She encouraged the abuse by this man.

I was 3 and I was being beaten until I bled.  This couldn't have been the first time and it sure wasn't the last time. Where are the rest of the memories? Too terrifying for a little girl to remember.  They have been put away in a safe place until I am strong enough to handle them.  An alter is holding onto the memories but hasn't disclosed them yet.  One day I will know the whole truth....

Liz

I am a FIGHTER!

Tonight I am hanging out with my "sister" listening to "empowering women songs".  We are dancing around the house and singing.  She played a song~Fighter by Gwen Stephani.  It reminded me of my life. Where I've been and where I am heading. I thought I would share some of the "empowering" lyrics...

FIGHTER by Gwen Stephani

...Cause if it wasn't for all that your tried to do

I wouldn't know what I am able to pull through...

...I heard you goin' 'round

Playing the victim now

But don't even begin feeling that I am the one to blame

'Cause you dug your own grave...

...You tried to hide your lies

Disguise yourself through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
YOU WON'T STOP ME...
...You thought I would forget
But I remember....
...Made me that much stronger
Made me work a little bit harder
Made me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a FIGHTER...

Liz

Depression-Whirlwind Effect

I can feel myself sinking.  It's like a spinning down into a drain.  I can feel the negativeness affecting me.  Save me before I go further down. Dr. S. said it's always been there I can just feel it now. So what do I do now? I don't want to switch. I don't want a child to take over. I want to feel...I want to live in consciously.  Can I do this? How much longer until I'm all the way down and no longer conscious?

Stay with it Liz...Don't leave...You can do this...Stay in the present...Nothing can hurt you now...You are safe...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I was trying to remember a happy Thanksgiving Day I had spent with my family but couldn't think of one.  All I could remember is being put to work to help cook but I NEVER did it right.  I could remember being upset about everyone fighting and no one was every happy. 

Why do I have to dwell on the negative instead of focusing on the positive? Why couldn't I just be happy with my day and be content?

My past abuse affects me in every possible way and I allow it to happen.  I have got to stop that. By dwelling on the past and on my abusers I am allowing them to have power over me.  I must regain my power and take back my control.  I am in the present and no one can hurt me now. 

Today I choose to...
*think about the postive
*live in the NOW
*take it one day at a time
*take control of my life
*be happy
*be positive
*give thanks
*love myself
*HEAL

Holidays

The holidays are supposed to be a time of happiness and family.  This will be my first holiday without my family.  As a choice, a few months ago I have separated myself from my family.  After learning that my mom "pimped" me out starting around the age of 5.  I decided that I should separate from her and the rest of my family. She has always put me in a bad place and brought out my little ones.  In order for me to heal from the past abuse I must grow and be strong.  And if that means spending the holidays without her and the rest of the family...so be it. 

I am glad I have my two daughters.  They bring joy to my life.  I am also glad that I have my "sister" to spend time with.  She is the one person I can be honest with outside of therapy.  Dr. S is awesome and is really helping me.  Without her I don't know where I would be.  Thanks Dr.S for showing me I have a VOICE.  Thanks for showing me that I am strong and that's why I am still here... 

I am a SURVIVOR!

Liz (host)

First Post

Hello. This is the first post to my blog and I thought I would introduce myself and what this blog will be about. I will share my past for the FIRST TIME.  Before now I have not spoken of my horrific past.  I am a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I will write my thoughts and feelings on this blog.  Each time I write I will sign off with my name letting you know who wrote the blog.  
I am learning I have a VOICE and I can be SILENCED NO LONGER!
Liz (host)