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I am a woman learning to heal from past sexual, emotional, and physical abuse along with neglect. I have been diagnosised with DID and Complex PTSD both direct causes of the abuse. jazmineo1112@yahoo.com

Monday, November 28, 2011

Pretending

I am tired of pretending.  I am tired of looking at the world and pretending I am a singleton. I am a multiple.  That's who I am. Take it or leave it.

Tonight I am alone with my thoughts. I am learning to live with all these conversations in my head and understand that it is NOT what everyone else hears or experiences on a daily basis. 

Tonight I am sad and lonely.  I am missing affection and company.  The way I show affection is by hugging and laying with men.  My purpose was to protect Liz from laying with men.  So I am not supposed to lay with anyone now.  Vickie made me lay with men to keep them company. Dr. S. said this is not supposed to happen.  That was not normal behavior from a mother-to watch her daughter lay with men starting at the age of 5. For me that's as far as it went.  There is another alter that went farther with men. She had sex with men. Dr. S. said this is rape.

I am sad. I want affection. I want to someone to love. I want someone to love me.
Jackie

4 comments:

  1. Affection is defined as "fondness", " a tender attachment", "a feeling of strong or constant regard for and dedication to someone". Sleeping with someone, even just lying with them as you describe when you were 5 years old isn't affection. Affection at 5 would have been drawing a picture for someone you knew well at that age, or singing a little song. As an adult it would mean sending a card for no reason, sharing some time together doing something or even nothing at all, giving a friend a piece of favorite candy, listening to them talk about concerns, experiences, their funny story etc.
    I hope that you can learn what good affection and love is, not be afraid of it or of the healthy people who would offer it to you from time to time.
    I'm glad we connected!

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  2. Silenced No LongerDecember 3, 2011 at 6:07 AM

    Thank you for your great comment. As the adult and host of the system I fully understand what affection is.
    I am hoping that the alter that wrote this blog will read your comment and begin to understand that she was taken advantage of and that what she experienced was not normal for a child.
    She continues to think that affection of hugging and "just laying" with a man is ok because she can control what happens.

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  3. It sounds like that has been her role in the system so it is where she is most comfortable. Going to our comfort zone (control) is normal...for anyone. Doing new things can be hard. I need to learn some new things as well in knowing what my alters are thinking. I feel their emotions alot but not always paying attention their thoughts. It is an assignment from my therapist during a prolonged break. But it is a good assignment since it will take some time and I hope to have made some progress when we get back together.

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  4. Silenced No LongerDecember 4, 2011 at 2:52 PM

    Sojourner,

    Dr. S., our therapist, and I have been working on keeping her comfortable but not with men. We actually got her something new to lay with. She seems to enjoy it too.

    Living with DID is a lifelong commitment from a therapist and you. I hope that you are able to work very closely with your therapist in order to heal from your past.

    Paying attention and actually LISTENING to an alter can be a difficult thing sometimes. Journaling your thoughts and feelings, along with them journaling theirs, may help you understand and be able to hear their wants and needs.

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