Reaching My Destination

As I typed that previous entry, there was a song stuck in my head.  I couldn't remember the words but I knew it talked about reaching a destination.  So here it is......

The River by Garth Brooks 
(click the title to hear the song-it will take you to another page)
(it might have an advertisement at the beginning...sorry :-/

Words....

 You know a dream is like a riv­er
Ev­er changin' as it flows
And a dream­er's just a ves­sel
That must fol­low where it goes
Try­ing to learn from what's be­hind you
And nev­er know­ing what's in store
Makes each day a con­stant bat­tle
Just to stay be­tween the shores

Chorus:
I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry
Like a bird up­on the wind
These wa­ters are my sky
I'll nev­er reach my des­ti­na­tion
If I nev­er try
So I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the wa­ters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til to­mor­row
Has now be­come to­day
So don't you sit up­on the shore­line
And say you're sat­is­fied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide

Chorus:
I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry
Like a bird up­on the wind
These wa­ters are my sky
I'll nev­er reach my des­ti­na­tion
If I nev­er try
So I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry

There's bound to be rough wa­ters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my cap­tain
I can make it through them all

Chorus:
I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry
Like a bird up­on the wind
These wa­ters are my sky
I'll nev­er reach my des­ti­na­tion
If I nev­er try
So I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry Yes, I will sail my ves­sel
'Til the riv­er runs dry
'Til the riv­er runs dry

Diary Entry Response

Dear Me,


This past weekend was rough.  I am glad that you were able to find an outlet and journal online.  It was very helpful.  It helps me see my thinking when I'm not thinking clearly.  When my brain feels "cloudy" and I can't think or focus on anything. 
My feelings/thoughts this weekend:

• cloudy mind
• suicidal ideation
• Satan chasing me
• I was running from death
• if I was to focus on anything besides staying alive, I would fall or stumble
• If I fell or stumbled, I would have "lost time" and may have died
• there was nothing I could do
• Staying a step ahead of death was my only option
• I had no medication
• I could find no LOGICAL reason for crying, being upset, suicide
• I could not focus on positive (not because I didn't see any, because if I did I would take my thoughts off of staying ahead of death, and then I would fall)
• my girls kept me alive
• not wanting to continue the legacy of abuse kept me alive
• not wanting to let the abusers win kept me alive

I was able to keep my head above water.  I was able to maintain some sense of being and living.  This is something positive for me to look at.  Every day that I am here is another victory! Another day that the abusers didn't win. Another day that I am alive and here for my children!

You and Me

I was helped this weekend by a CARING and LOVING soul,while they marched the last part of their 5K unsure they would finish.  The 5K was a special event for this person.  It was a battle they were determined to win.  They have a special reason for completing that 5K.  Not just to say they did it, but for a VERY special person in their life.  However, while they marched, they were texting me.  Not wanting to give up on their race, but not wanting to give up on me either.  This person took the time and energy to help me.  Energy that was depleting them from their goal-but NEVER giving up.  This person has not given up on me.  This person has shown me what UNCONDITIONAL love means.  This person is also to be recognized for my success this weekend.  You are an EXTRA SPECIAL person.  I truly love you!  You hold a special place in my heart that NO ONE can/will replace. You are MY angel on earth-placed in my path at various times for various reasons.

Some things I realized and tweeted on today: (referring to DID)

• We fight a battle and we feel alone. But in reality we have a force with us always.  Sometimes they are with us and sometimes they are against us.  But they are there regardless. 
• But they are always there-like siblings.  And like siblings, we have to learn to get along while being in each other's spaces. 
• This calls for MUTUAL respect, caring, and understanding from everyone. 
• This is needed for healing!

I know you are at the shore reaching out...I'm reaching back!  

I am on a healing journey.  With the help of God, Doc, and myself, I will continue on my journey to healing.  I will reach my destination.  It has not been easy.  Nor will it be easy in the future.  But with support (including my reader's support) I will make it.  I will win this battle.  I will finish this journey.

Jaz

Diary Entry

Switching is eminent.  It is in the near future.  I feel so sad, so scared.  I just want to cry and scream and run and stay and fight and yell.  What do I do?  How do I handle this?

I just want to be alone.  I don't want anyone around. Tears streaming down my face as I sit. I can't do this but I have to.

Everyone is fighting against me.  Everyone wants me to fail.  Everyone wants me to fall down on my face.


Elizabeth-"Just take the whole bottle of sleeping pills.  You won't have live like this anymore.  A gun would work fine as well.  Just end it now" (I can see the bullet going through my head, into my brain, and lodging in my skull.)

Jason-"Just have a drink. Drown everything away and out. Have fun and enjoy it.  Get rid of your problems."

Elizabeth-"But they will be there in the morning.  My way is the best.  Problems are gone forever and ever.  No more suffering."

All I can do is imagine my children with no mother and no real understanding or explanation of why.  Why their mother left them? Why their mother didn't love them?  Why their mother was so screwed up?

I will mess them up and they will have fucked up childhoods and need therapy.  It will be the legacy continued.  The abusers win this way.  But what am I to do?

It's so hard to fight. To fight ALONE! I have no one to talk to. No one that can relate. No one that can help.  Therapy is few and far between.  (Not that she doesn't try, because she works hard for me, day and night--everyday) But ultimately, I'm alone.  I have no one to talk to.  Just to tell my feelings to. Just to explain my thoughts. Just to take my mind off of things for a bit. 

(Elizabeth interjects now, "Just die.")

Is that it? Is that my only option out of this mess I'm in? To leave this world?

I feel things are moving slow right now. In slow motion. I took 3 sleeping pills hoping the effects would set in FAST and LAST! 

(Elizabeth interjects now, "There are more in the bottle.  Just finish them off.  They won't hurt you. Just do it.")

What do I do?
How do I react?
How do I respond?