As I write I hear little voices. These voices are with me all day as I go about my business. Sometimes I can tune out the chatter by staying busy. Sometimes they are deafening and I don't want to hear them. Other times I love them and we carry on conversations.
Julie-Will you always care for me?
Me-Always and forever
Julie-Why didn't my mother take care of me?
Me-She didn't know how.
Julie-Why?
Me-She was troubled and just didn't know how to care for anyone.
Jackie-You don't have to take care of me. I can do it myself.
Me-Jackie, I love you too. I will take care of you.
Julie-I love Liz. She loves me too.
Jackie-Well, I don't need her. (referring to Liz)
Me-Well if you ever need me, Jackie. I'm here. (Jackie leaves)
Julie-I don't like her. (referring to Jackie)
Me-Well, you need to like her. She is like your sister. (Julie smiles her sweet inoccent smile and hugs me)
I am learning I must mother the little ones inside. We didn't have a mother that nurtured us and cared for us. I must do this for them. It is hard at times but it was even harder when I fought it.
I am learning that I am special and it is great to have Dissociative Identity Disorder...I am NEVER alone!!
About Me
- Silenced No Longer
- I am a woman learning to heal from past sexual, emotional, and physical abuse along with neglect. I have been diagnosised with DID and Complex PTSD both direct causes of the abuse. jazmineo1112@yahoo.com
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Christmas Feelings
Christmas should bring feelings of joy and excitement. Feelings of love for the ones closest to you. However, for me Christmas brings mixed emotions. Every alter has their own way of feeling. (These are the main ones that emerge...)
Liz (host)- I can feel this year. I don't feel like I'm just going through the motions. I feel something...love for my children.
Jackie (child)-Wants to be with her mother. She misses the sociopath that brought us so much pain and suffering. She wants to be with her and the family for Christmas.
Julie (child)-is nervous about Christmas. She wants to be away Christmas. She doesn't like people, thinking they will hurt her again.
Jaz (teenager)-wants to party on Christmas. She likes to drink to run from the pain and suffering she was caused her whole life. (Although, she doesn't see it as running.)
Jillian (not sure of age)-is getting more anxious as Christmas approaches. She keeps showing me images from our past abuse. She also thinks that others will hurt her again.
I am hoping that Christmas Day I will be able to contain the alters and we can have a civilized Christmas together as one big family unit!
Wishing you and yours a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Jillian
Note: This post may contain triggers.
Tonight I was on the computer trying to find something specific to buy to help my system work better. This search began to produce triggers inside for Julie. So I stopped and tried to listen to her. I played her some music and did various things to help her feel safe.
She began feeling the pains of being raped. She could feel a man with his fingers inside her jamming them harder and harder. She could feel a man on top of her with his penis inside her. He was shoving it inside her. She wanted him to stop. She was scared and crying for him to stop. She grabbed her stomach and vagina to protect herself but nothing was working. It began to hurt inside.
The more pain Julie felt a new alter began to emerge...Jillian. Jillian is a self-injurious alter. Jillian doesn't talk. She just cuts and stares off in trances. She experienced deep pain and in order for her to cope she cuts herself. So in order to cope with the pain inside her vagina Jillian grabbed a sharp object and began to cut and slice at her arms.
Then it hits me....a feeling I have NEVER felt before....ANGER!
Anger towards the one person that should have protected me....My mother. Anger towards her for causing me pain. I feel sorry for the alters, and myself, for having being put in the predicament we were in as children...being prostituted out, beaten, being left alone while she went to the bars, and much much more...
Liz
Tonight I was on the computer trying to find something specific to buy to help my system work better. This search began to produce triggers inside for Julie. So I stopped and tried to listen to her. I played her some music and did various things to help her feel safe.
She began feeling the pains of being raped. She could feel a man with his fingers inside her jamming them harder and harder. She could feel a man on top of her with his penis inside her. He was shoving it inside her. She wanted him to stop. She was scared and crying for him to stop. She grabbed her stomach and vagina to protect herself but nothing was working. It began to hurt inside.
The more pain Julie felt a new alter began to emerge...Jillian. Jillian is a self-injurious alter. Jillian doesn't talk. She just cuts and stares off in trances. She experienced deep pain and in order for her to cope she cuts herself. So in order to cope with the pain inside her vagina Jillian grabbed a sharp object and began to cut and slice at her arms.
This is the moment I loose all consciousness. When I come out again. The body is in pain. There are cuts to both arms. Both arms are bleeding. I wash them off with cold water and dry them with a towel. The arms are bleeding and stinging. I place neosporin on the arms and put on long sleeves to cover the cuts.
Anger towards the one person that should have protected me....My mother. Anger towards her for causing me pain. I feel sorry for the alters, and myself, for having being put in the predicament we were in as children...being prostituted out, beaten, being left alone while she went to the bars, and much much more...
Liz
Thursday, December 8, 2011
A New Way of Thinking
Most of the time I try and stay away from blogs. Most of them have too many triggers and cause too much anxiety for me to read. I really do a lot of picking and choosing when I look at blogs.
However, I read a post on a DID blog. I felt like this person had read by blog and then wrote a response to me. I broke down into tears while reading. It was touching to me and just what I needed at that very moment. It has caused me to look at myself and my alters differently.
Perhaps this blog post will help you look at yourself differently as well.
Since I read it I haven't been fighting as much with them and I have chosen to look at them differently. Not as separates that I have to fight to keep hidden away; instead, as separates that have their own souls given to me by God for me to help nurture and take care of. Just as if they were REAL children.
Would I fight with a child that came up to me and said they had been abused by their family?
Would I send them away or "lock them up" so they didn't have a voice?
So why do I do it to myself?
It's a new way of thinking...
Jeff's Song
Liz
However, I read a post on a DID blog. I felt like this person had read by blog and then wrote a response to me. I broke down into tears while reading. It was touching to me and just what I needed at that very moment. It has caused me to look at myself and my alters differently.
Perhaps this blog post will help you look at yourself differently as well.
Since I read it I haven't been fighting as much with them and I have chosen to look at them differently. Not as separates that I have to fight to keep hidden away; instead, as separates that have their own souls given to me by God for me to help nurture and take care of. Just as if they were REAL children.
Would I fight with a child that came up to me and said they had been abused by their family?
Would I send them away or "lock them up" so they didn't have a voice?
So why do I do it to myself?
It's a new way of thinking...
Jeff's Song
Liz
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
My Thoughts
I was asked...."Why are you doing so much research on DID? Why don't you live in the present and stop trying to find out information about DID? LIVE your LIFE!!" The person said.
This got me thinking..."Why in the world can't I stop looking for information on DID? I can't read blogs about DID...too many triggers...I can only research DID and find facts on DID. Why am I doing this? Is this a common reaction to a recent diagonsis of DID?"
My thought process.....
1. Imagine thinking that everyone hears converstaions in their heads.
2. Imagine thinking that everyone looses time.
3. Imagine thinking that no one can remember their childhood.
4. Imagine thinking that everything you feel, think, and do is normal.
5. Imagine thinking that your childhood wasn't bad.
Now imagine being told...I'm sorry Liz, this isn't normal. You have been living in DENIAL.
What you have been experiencing has a name...Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder.
Now imagine trying to believe these new facts and understanding that the conversations in your head are actually personalities caused by severe abuse by the hands of your own flesh and blood. The only person that was there to protect you...your mother.
Of course I am going to do research on DID.
What is it?
Are you sure this diagnosis is correct?
Perhaps it isn't correct.
Perhaps you are wrong and my initial thoughts, denial, were correct.
I am still trying to figure out where I stand in this new chapter of my life. Every thing I read confirms my diagnosis. I was told eventually "you will discover information is just that....information. and nothing can change that."
But in the meantime...I am still searching.....still looking for INFORMATION....
What was your response to the initial diagnosis?
How did you handle it?
Liz
This got me thinking..."Why in the world can't I stop looking for information on DID? I can't read blogs about DID...too many triggers...I can only research DID and find facts on DID. Why am I doing this? Is this a common reaction to a recent diagonsis of DID?"
1. Imagine thinking that everyone hears converstaions in their heads.
2. Imagine thinking that everyone looses time.
3. Imagine thinking that no one can remember their childhood.
4. Imagine thinking that everything you feel, think, and do is normal.
5. Imagine thinking that your childhood wasn't bad.
Now imagine being told...I'm sorry Liz, this isn't normal. You have been living in DENIAL.
What you have been experiencing has a name...Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder.
Now imagine trying to believe these new facts and understanding that the conversations in your head are actually personalities caused by severe abuse by the hands of your own flesh and blood. The only person that was there to protect you...your mother.
Of course I am going to do research on DID.
What is it?
Are you sure this diagnosis is correct?
Perhaps it isn't correct.
Perhaps you are wrong and my initial thoughts, denial, were correct.
I am still trying to figure out where I stand in this new chapter of my life. Every thing I read confirms my diagnosis. I was told eventually "you will discover information is just that....information. and nothing can change that."
But in the meantime...I am still searching.....still looking for INFORMATION....
What was your response to the initial diagnosis?
How did you handle it?
Liz
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Stigma of DID
The stigma of DID is one I can't get over. Why is it that I am to keep my diagnosis to myself for fear of how others might treat me or respond to me?
Is it because of the misconceptions associated with DID?
My Past
I am just learning of my past abuse. As the host, I have VERY few memories of my childhood. I don't have memories before I was ten. There are alters that hold those memories. As a child I was prostituted out by my mother. I am not sure the age that it started. I know that it was as early as age 5 and could have been earlier. All of my alters aren't speaking at this time. Some just show my images of abuse. Others talk to me and Dr. S. about their abuse. This happened in a church setting as well as at our home. It continued until I was a teenager around the age of 17.
The images that are shown to me by alters are those of people watching while men repeatedly rape a little girl. One alter, Jackie, talks about laying on top of men, hugging men, and seducing men while our mother watches. Another alter, Julie, was raped by men in the church. She was forced to have sex with men so that our mother could get money.
My Diagnosis
I have only recently been diagnosed with DID. It has been about 6 months. I didn't want to accept the fact that what I experience in my head and what I hear on a daily basis isn't what everyone hears. I didn't want to accept the fact that not everyone loses time and doesn't remember doing activities. DID is a diagnosis with a stigma attached to it. People often confuse it with schizophrenia. But DID isn't schizophrenia. It is a response created by my mind to protect me from horrific child abuse.
As soon as I received my diagnosis Dr. S. said do not share this diagnosis with just anyone. There is a stigma that goes along with this diagnosis. Is that fair to me?
Is it fair that I was abused as a child and now I am the one hiding from the results of that abuse?
The secrets continue....
Liz
Is it because of the misconceptions associated with DID?
My Past
I am just learning of my past abuse. As the host, I have VERY few memories of my childhood. I don't have memories before I was ten. There are alters that hold those memories. As a child I was prostituted out by my mother. I am not sure the age that it started. I know that it was as early as age 5 and could have been earlier. All of my alters aren't speaking at this time. Some just show my images of abuse. Others talk to me and Dr. S. about their abuse. This happened in a church setting as well as at our home. It continued until I was a teenager around the age of 17.
The images that are shown to me by alters are those of people watching while men repeatedly rape a little girl. One alter, Jackie, talks about laying on top of men, hugging men, and seducing men while our mother watches. Another alter, Julie, was raped by men in the church. She was forced to have sex with men so that our mother could get money.
My Diagnosis
I have only recently been diagnosed with DID. It has been about 6 months. I didn't want to accept the fact that what I experience in my head and what I hear on a daily basis isn't what everyone hears. I didn't want to accept the fact that not everyone loses time and doesn't remember doing activities. DID is a diagnosis with a stigma attached to it. People often confuse it with schizophrenia. But DID isn't schizophrenia. It is a response created by my mind to protect me from horrific child abuse.
As soon as I received my diagnosis Dr. S. said do not share this diagnosis with just anyone. There is a stigma that goes along with this diagnosis. Is that fair to me?
Is it fair that I was abused as a child and now I am the one hiding from the results of that abuse?
The secrets continue....
Liz
Listening to Alters
Again last night I was awoke by an alter. This alter began flashing these horrific images through my mind. I begged the alter to stop and tried to communicate with him/her but he/she wouldn't respond. I told the alter that only Dr. S. could help with the pain that he/she has experienced. I laid awake with these images for about an hour. I was trying to get rid of them so I could sleep again. What did this alter want? Why would this alter not speak to me? How old was the alter?
This is just one instance of trying to decipher alter code.
I am constantly trying to talk with the alters and get to know them. I have only been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder for about 6 months now. I want to learn about the alters. I feel as though the more I am up for learning and actually LISTENING to them, the more I can hear. The more alters that respond back.
This past weekend, however, has been a rough weekend. Dr. S. told me that I needed a break from trying talk to them and since I have been "Fighting for control" (See previous Post...To Stay or Not to Stay.) I just needed to tell them to leave me alone for a while.
So rather than getting into a power struggle with them I decided to just yell at them to leave me alone and go away. I didn't want to talk to them or listen to them. However, this isn't working that well either. I feel like I am putting them off and not agreeing to work with the system. The alters still come to talk but just get discouraged when I yell and tell them I don't want to hear from them at that very moment.
Obviously this isn't working since I was awoke by horrific images....
How do you handle your system when you feel overwhelmed?
Liz
This is just one instance of trying to decipher alter code.
I am constantly trying to talk with the alters and get to know them. I have only been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder for about 6 months now. I want to learn about the alters. I feel as though the more I am up for learning and actually LISTENING to them, the more I can hear. The more alters that respond back.
This past weekend, however, has been a rough weekend. Dr. S. told me that I needed a break from trying talk to them and since I have been "Fighting for control" (See previous Post...To Stay or Not to Stay.) I just needed to tell them to leave me alone for a while.
So rather than getting into a power struggle with them I decided to just yell at them to leave me alone and go away. I didn't want to talk to them or listen to them. However, this isn't working that well either. I feel like I am putting them off and not agreeing to work with the system. The alters still come to talk but just get discouraged when I yell and tell them I don't want to hear from them at that very moment.
Obviously this isn't working since I was awoke by horrific images....
How do you handle your system when you feel overwhelmed?
Liz
Saturday, December 3, 2011
To Stay or Not to Stay
I have been "fighting" with other alters to stay out more. When something is a trigger, stressful, or seen as a threat to the system, the alters want out.
Last night I was fighting with Jazmine, Jaz, who is 16 and likes to party. After our rough day/week at work she just wanted to "go get a drink". Well, Jaz we can't do that. We have children to look after and your one drink would turn into many drinks.
Last night I was also fighting with Julie, Jules, who is 5, scared, and sad. After a situation caused a trigger she wanted out. I'm not sure why. Seems like she would want to run and hide but instead she wanted out. Possibly to talk to Dr. S about the trigger and how to get help.
I don't remember fighting so hard before and having so many downs. Dr. S said that's because I used to just let the alters take over and I would run. This is so true.
It was a rough night because of this. But guess what?!? I stayed out the whole time!! I did not run from the stress or the trigger. I stayed with my feelings. Man was it hard!
I guess I'm blogging about this to ask: Does anyone else feel this way sometimes? Does anyone else feel like they have to "Fight" to stay in control of the system?
Liz (host)
Last night I was fighting with Jazmine, Jaz, who is 16 and likes to party. After our rough day/week at work she just wanted to "go get a drink". Well, Jaz we can't do that. We have children to look after and your one drink would turn into many drinks.
Last night I was also fighting with Julie, Jules, who is 5, scared, and sad. After a situation caused a trigger she wanted out. I'm not sure why. Seems like she would want to run and hide but instead she wanted out. Possibly to talk to Dr. S about the trigger and how to get help.
I don't remember fighting so hard before and having so many downs. Dr. S said that's because I used to just let the alters take over and I would run. This is so true.
It was a rough night because of this. But guess what?!? I stayed out the whole time!! I did not run from the stress or the trigger. I stayed with my feelings. Man was it hard!
I guess I'm blogging about this to ask: Does anyone else feel this way sometimes? Does anyone else feel like they have to "Fight" to stay in control of the system?
Liz (host)
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