Switching and Depression have been occurring a lot lately. I could not figure out why.
- Why is an alter so depressed?
- What is your trigger?
- Why do you want out now?
- Why must you hurt yourself when you come out?
None of these questions were being answered. The alter, Jillian, just wanted out and wanted to cut to relieve tension, anxiety, fear, and pain. She is bombarding me. Not switching the way we all switch. We all go into the foyer, and the person that is out leaves and switches with the person in the foyer. However, Jillian is running through the foyer and pushing me out of the way. Bombarding me with switching. Then she will block off the door so I can't switch back. This is tiresome and hurtful to the system.
Thursday I was fighting with her all day and she won. She came out and cut our arms again. Retracing the words HELP and HATE, along with just slicing at the arm to make cuts. I had to make a decision. She had to realize that her actions have consequences. I made a decision to admit myself into the hospital.
I went to the hospital and told them about her and the cutting. I told them that if I went home, the cutting would continue. So, I stayed in the hospital. It was DEVASTATING to the system.
There was only a bed in the room. There was no phone, no visitors allowed, no restroom, nothing. Only four walls and a bed. My only options were which wall I was going to face.
I went almost 48 hours with no medicine. They wouldn't give me anything in my purse. About half way through the stay, they told me I had to switch gowns from a cloth gown to a paper gown. This paper gown made me feel naked. There were only men in the ward watching each room. Julie, a child alter, came out and began to think she was going to get raped. I had a panic attack on the bed in the room. They refused to give me anything to help me or her.
They continuously asked me if I was hearing voices. The doctor did not believe in Dissociative Identity Disorder, DID. He told me that I didn't need medicine because they had too many side effects and then he would have to prescribe medicine for the side effects. He told me that my panic attacks and feelings were normal and I could just work through them.
I told him that I wanted to go home. Jillian was no longer a danger to us. That Jillian would not cut herself any more. She has seen her actions have consequences and is more willing to get help and not act out in such a negative way.
While I was in the psych ward, I talked a lot with Jillian. I told her I was sorry for talking down to her. I told her that I was sorry for being ugly to her and not respecting her feelings. We had a long discussion and I think we will work better together now. I think we have gotten to know one another.
Today, I was in the gas station and sitting all alone on a shelf was a pack of 100 single razor blades. The box was open and there was one on top of the box. Jillian said, "Just grab one. We can put it in our pocket." I reminded her of the hospital and the consequences she will have to deal with if she cuts again. She decided that she didn't want to go there again. And she agreed with me that the razor blades were a bad idea. That is a positive step. :-)
I am hoping and praying that we will be able to work together now and not having anymore cutting incidents. She has seen the hospital and doesn't want to go back. (Neither do I but I will if that is the only way we can be safe.) I promise her that I will continue to talk nicely to her and respect her feelings, as long as she respects the system and does no more cutting. She has signed a no self harm agreement today.
Hoping and Praying this works!!