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I am a woman learning to heal from past sexual, emotional, and physical abuse along with neglect. I have been diagnosised with DID and Complex PTSD both direct causes of the abuse. jazmineo1112@yahoo.com

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Living in Denial...Jackie

Jackie is an alter that acts very much like her mother.  "Doc" says she might be a sociopath like her mother.

Jackie states that life wasn't hard for her.  She denies DID and denies her past.  She says her mother was a blessing and she looks up to her mother.  Jackie loves and misses her mother.  Why must she deny what is right in front of her face? Why must she deny HER own past of laying with men and trying to seduce men?  Jackie never had sex with men.  That's what other alters, Julie and Jillian, were for.  However, Jackie did watch them being raped.  Why must she deny that?

Is living in denial appropriate for her?  It is probably how she survived her horrific past.  If she believed she was loved and cherished by her mother, then her mother knew best.  Her mother would always tell her, "I know what is best for you. I am your mother."

In a DID system alters were "born" for purposes.  Her purpose was to seduce the men. However, she could not handle the touching, licking, and raping so we developed other alters to take this abuse.  She just showed men "a good time" and got them "ready" for sex. However, she did not see herself like that.  She sees herself as a "woman" (she is really a 5 year old child) that needs men to live.  She does not care about any one but herself and her feelings. Why does she deny HER own past?

She is fully aware that Julie and Jillian are scared of men and can't be around men.  She is fully aware of their past.  However, she only cares about herself.  She constantly wants a man to hug and love on.  She does not see anything wrong with loving on a man because "nothing happens."

If she has seen the raping of the other alters, why must she constantly want a man around?  Even a man that has raped "the little ones" before.  She only cares for herself. 

As the alter that is "out" all of the time, I must deal with Jackie constantly.  Liz couldn't handle her.  She was able to control Liz but she can't control me.  She still tries to manipulate me.  However, I am smarter than that.  She can't fool me.

Why must she live in denial? Is it easier than dealing with the truth?


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