As I write...

As I write I hear little voices. These voices are with me all day as I go about my business. Sometimes I can tune out the chatter by staying busy. Sometimes they are deafening and I don't want to hear them. Other times I love them and we carry on conversations.

Julie-Will you always care for me?
Me-Always and forever
Julie-Why didn't my mother take care of me?
Me-She didn't know how.
Julie-Why?
Me-She was troubled and just didn't know how to care for anyone.
Jackie-You don't have to take care of me. I can do it myself.
Me-Jackie, I love you too.  I will take care of you.
Julie-I love Liz. She loves me too.
Jackie-Well, I don't need her. (referring to Liz)
Me-Well if you ever need me, Jackie. I'm here. (Jackie leaves)
Julie-I don't like her. (referring to Jackie)
Me-Well, you need to like her.  She is like your sister. (Julie smiles her sweet inoccent smile and hugs me)


I am learning I must mother the little ones inside. We didn't have a mother that nurtured us and cared for us.  I must do this for them.  It is hard at times but it was even harder when I fought it. 

I am learning that I am special and it is great to have Dissociative Identity Disorder...I am NEVER alone!!

Christmas Feelings

Christmas should bring feelings of joy and excitement. Feelings of love for the ones closest to you. However, for me Christmas brings mixed emotions.  Every alter has their own way of feeling. (These are the main ones that emerge...)

Liz (host)- I can feel this year. I don't feel like I'm just going through the motions.  I feel something...love for my children.

Jackie (child)-Wants to be with her mother. She misses the sociopath that brought us so much pain and suffering.   She wants to be with her and the family for Christmas.

Julie (child)-is nervous about Christmas. She wants to be away Christmas.  She doesn't like people, thinking they will hurt her again.

Jaz (teenager)-wants to party on Christmas. She likes to drink to run from the pain and suffering she was caused her whole life. (Although, she doesn't see it as running.)

Jillian (not sure of age)-is getting more anxious as Christmas approaches. She keeps showing me images from our past abuse.  She also thinks that others will hurt her again.

I am hoping that Christmas Day I will be able to contain the alters and we can have a civilized Christmas together as one big family unit!

Wishing you and yours a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Jillian

Note: This post may contain triggers.

Tonight I was on the computer trying to find something specific to buy to help my system work better.  This search began to produce triggers inside for Julie.  So I stopped and tried to listen to her. I played her some music and did various things to help her feel safe. 

She began feeling the pains of being raped. She could feel a man with his fingers inside her jamming them harder and harder.  She could feel a man on top of her with his penis inside her. He was shoving it inside her.  She wanted him to stop.  She was scared and crying for him to stop.  She grabbed her stomach and vagina to protect herself but nothing was working.  It began to hurt inside.

The more pain Julie felt a new alter began to emerge...Jillian.  Jillian is a self-injurious alter. Jillian doesn't talk. She just cuts and stares off in trances. She experienced deep pain and in order for her to cope she cuts herself. So in order to cope with the pain inside her vagina Jillian grabbed a sharp object and began to cut and slice at her arms. 

This is the moment I loose all consciousness.  When I come out again. The body is in pain.  There are cuts to both arms.  Both arms are bleeding.  I wash them off with cold water and dry them with a towel.  The arms are bleeding and stinging.  I place neosporin on the arms and put on long sleeves to cover the cuts.

Then it hits me....a feeling I have NEVER felt before....ANGER!
Anger towards the one person that should have protected me....My mother.  Anger towards her for causing me pain.  I feel sorry for the alters, and myself, for having being put in the predicament we were in as children...being prostituted out, beaten, being left alone while she went to the bars, and much much more...

Liz

A New Way of Thinking

Most of the time I try and stay away from blogs.  Most of them have too many triggers and cause too much anxiety for me to read.  I really do a lot of picking and choosing when I look at blogs.

However, I read a post on a DID blog.  I felt like this person had read by blog and then wrote a response to me.  I broke down into tears while reading. It was touching to me and just what I needed at that very moment.  It has caused me to look at myself and my alters differently. 

Perhaps this blog post will help you look at yourself differently as well.
Since I read it I haven't been fighting as much with them and I have chosen to look at them differently. Not as separates that I have to fight to keep hidden away; instead, as separates that have their own souls given to me by God for me to help nurture and take care of.  Just as if they were REAL children.

Would I fight with a child that came up to me and said they had been abused by their family?
Would I send them away or "lock them up" so they didn't have a voice?
So why do I do it to myself?

It's a new way of thinking...

Jeff's Song

Liz

My Thoughts

I was asked...."Why are you doing so much research on DID? Why don't you live in the present and stop trying to find out information about DID?  LIVE your LIFE!!" The person said.

This got me thinking..."Why in the world can't I stop looking for information on DID? I can't read blogs about DID...too many triggers...I can only research DID and find facts on DID.  Why am I doing this? Is this a common reaction to a recent diagonsis of DID?"

My thought process.....
1. Imagine thinking that everyone hears converstaions in their heads.
2. Imagine thinking that everyone looses time.
3. Imagine thinking that no one can remember their childhood.
4. Imagine thinking that everything you feel, think, and do is normal.
5. Imagine thinking that your childhood wasn't bad.

Now imagine being told...I'm sorry Liz, this isn't normal.  You have been living in DENIAL.
What you have been experiencing has a name...Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder.

Now imagine trying to believe these new facts and understanding that the conversations in your head are actually personalities caused by severe abuse by the hands of your own flesh and blood.  The only person that was there to protect you...your mother.

Of course I am going to do research on DID. 
What is it?
Are you sure this diagnosis is correct?
Perhaps it isn't correct.
Perhaps you are wrong and my initial thoughts, denial, were correct.

I am still trying to figure out where I stand in this new chapter of my life.  Every thing I read confirms my diagnosis. I was told eventually "you will discover information is just that....information. and nothing can change that."

But in the meantime...I am still searching.....still looking for INFORMATION....

What was your response to the initial diagnosis?
How did you handle it?

Liz

Stigma of DID

The stigma of DID is one I can't get over. Why is it that I am to keep my diagnosis to myself for fear of how others might treat me or respond to me?
Is it because of the misconceptions associated with DID?

My Past
I am just learning of my past abuse.  As the host, I have VERY few memories of my childhood.  I don't have memories before I was ten.  There are alters that hold those memories.  As a child I was prostituted out by my mother.  I am not sure the age that it started.  I know that it was as early as age 5 and could have been earlier.  All of my alters aren't speaking at this time.  Some just show my images of abuse.  Others talk to me and Dr. S. about their abuse.  This happened in a church setting as well as at our home.  It continued until I was a teenager around the age of 17. 
The images that are shown to me by alters are those of people watching while men repeatedly rape a little girl.  One alter, Jackie, talks about laying on top of men, hugging men, and seducing men while our mother watches.  Another alter, Julie, was raped by men in the church.  She was forced to have sex with men so that our mother could get money. 


My Diagnosis
I have only recently been diagnosed with DID.  It has been about 6 months.  I didn't want to accept the fact that what I experience in my head and what I hear on a daily basis isn't what everyone hears.  I didn't want to accept the fact that not everyone loses time and doesn't remember doing activities.  DID is a diagnosis with a stigma attached to it.  People often confuse it with schizophrenia.  But DID isn't schizophrenia.  It is a response created by my mind to protect me from horrific child abuse. 
As soon as I received my diagnosis Dr. S. said do not share this diagnosis with just anyone. There is a stigma that goes along with this diagnosis.  Is that fair to me?
Is it fair that I was abused as a child and now I am the one hiding from the results of that abuse?

The secrets continue....

Liz

Listening to Alters

Again last night I was awoke by an alter.  This alter began flashing these horrific images through my mind. I begged the alter to stop and tried to communicate with him/her but he/she wouldn't respond.   I told the alter that only Dr. S. could help with the pain that he/she has experienced.   I laid awake with these images for about an hour.  I was trying to get rid of them so I could sleep again.  What did this alter want?  Why would this alter not speak to me? How old was the alter?

This is just one instance of trying to decipher alter code.

I am constantly trying to talk with the alters and get to know them.  I have only been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder for about 6 months now.  I want to learn about the alters.  I feel as though the more I am up for learning and actually LISTENING to them, the more I can hear.  The more alters that respond back.

This past weekend, however, has been a rough weekend.  Dr. S. told me that I needed a break from trying talk to them and since I have been "Fighting for control" (See previous Post...To Stay or Not to Stay.) I just needed to tell them to leave me alone for a while. 

So rather than getting into a power struggle with them I decided to just yell at them to leave me alone and go away.  I didn't want to talk to them or listen to them.  However, this isn't working that well either.  I feel like I am putting them off and not agreeing to work with the system.  The alters still come to talk but just get discouraged when I yell and tell them I don't want to hear from them at that very moment. 

Obviously this isn't working since I was awoke by horrific images....

How do you handle your system when you feel overwhelmed?

Liz

To Stay or Not to Stay

I have been "fighting" with other alters to stay out more.  When something is a trigger, stressful, or seen as a threat to the system, the alters want out. 

Last night I was fighting with Jazmine, Jaz, who is 16 and likes to party.  After our rough day/week at work she just wanted to "go get a drink". Well, Jaz we can't do that. We have children to look after and your one drink would turn into many drinks. 

Last night I was also fighting with Julie, Jules, who is 5, scared, and sad.  After a situation caused a trigger she wanted out. I'm not sure why. Seems like she would want to run and hide but instead she wanted out.  Possibly to talk to Dr. S about the trigger and how to get help. 

I don't remember fighting so hard before and having so many downs.  Dr. S said that's because I used to just let the alters take over and I would run.  This is so true. 

It was a rough night because of this.  But guess what?!?  I stayed out the whole time!!  I did not run from the stress or the trigger.  I stayed with my feelings. Man was it hard!

I guess I'm blogging about this to ask: Does anyone else feel this way sometimes? Does anyone else feel like they have to "Fight" to stay in control of the system?

Liz (host)

Pretending

I am tired of pretending.  I am tired of looking at the world and pretending I am a singleton. I am a multiple.  That's who I am. Take it or leave it.

Tonight I am alone with my thoughts. I am learning to live with all these conversations in my head and understand that it is NOT what everyone else hears or experiences on a daily basis. 

Tonight I am sad and lonely.  I am missing affection and company.  The way I show affection is by hugging and laying with men.  My purpose was to protect Liz from laying with men.  So I am not supposed to lay with anyone now.  Vickie made me lay with men to keep them company. Dr. S. said this is not supposed to happen.  That was not normal behavior from a mother-to watch her daughter lay with men starting at the age of 5. For me that's as far as it went.  There is another alter that went farther with men. She had sex with men. Dr. S. said this is rape.

I am sad. I want affection. I want to someone to love. I want someone to love me.
Jackie

Abuse

"When you were 3, I beat your little leg with the switch until you bled," mom said laughing.

How many times have I heard this story without realizing that this is WRONG? My mom told me that story my whole life.  She always thought it was funny and I would always laugh but it never hit me that it was abuse.

As I sit here I go to a new place.  I can remember "watching" myself being beat and begging for forgiveness. "Please don't do this. Please mom stop him. Don't let him beat me with a 2x4. Don't let him beat me with an extension cord. Please help me!"

She would just roll her eyes and walk away. Not once did she step in to help me. Not once did she stop the abuse.  She encouraged the abuse by this man.

I was 3 and I was being beaten until I bled.  This couldn't have been the first time and it sure wasn't the last time. Where are the rest of the memories? Too terrifying for a little girl to remember.  They have been put away in a safe place until I am strong enough to handle them.  An alter is holding onto the memories but hasn't disclosed them yet.  One day I will know the whole truth....

Liz

I am a FIGHTER!

Tonight I am hanging out with my "sister" listening to "empowering women songs".  We are dancing around the house and singing.  She played a song~Fighter by Gwen Stephani.  It reminded me of my life. Where I've been and where I am heading. I thought I would share some of the "empowering" lyrics...

FIGHTER by Gwen Stephani

...Cause if it wasn't for all that your tried to do

I wouldn't know what I am able to pull through...

...I heard you goin' 'round

Playing the victim now

But don't even begin feeling that I am the one to blame

'Cause you dug your own grave...

...You tried to hide your lies

Disguise yourself through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
YOU WON'T STOP ME...
...You thought I would forget
But I remember....
...Made me that much stronger
Made me work a little bit harder
Made me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a FIGHTER...

Liz

Depression-Whirlwind Effect

I can feel myself sinking.  It's like a spinning down into a drain.  I can feel the negativeness affecting me.  Save me before I go further down. Dr. S. said it's always been there I can just feel it now. So what do I do now? I don't want to switch. I don't want a child to take over. I want to feel...I want to live in consciously.  Can I do this? How much longer until I'm all the way down and no longer conscious?

Stay with it Liz...Don't leave...You can do this...Stay in the present...Nothing can hurt you now...You are safe...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I was trying to remember a happy Thanksgiving Day I had spent with my family but couldn't think of one.  All I could remember is being put to work to help cook but I NEVER did it right.  I could remember being upset about everyone fighting and no one was every happy. 

Why do I have to dwell on the negative instead of focusing on the positive? Why couldn't I just be happy with my day and be content?

My past abuse affects me in every possible way and I allow it to happen.  I have got to stop that. By dwelling on the past and on my abusers I am allowing them to have power over me.  I must regain my power and take back my control.  I am in the present and no one can hurt me now. 

Today I choose to...
*think about the postive
*live in the NOW
*take it one day at a time
*take control of my life
*be happy
*be positive
*give thanks
*love myself
*HEAL

Holidays

The holidays are supposed to be a time of happiness and family.  This will be my first holiday without my family.  As a choice, a few months ago I have separated myself from my family.  After learning that my mom "pimped" me out starting around the age of 5.  I decided that I should separate from her and the rest of my family. She has always put me in a bad place and brought out my little ones.  In order for me to heal from the past abuse I must grow and be strong.  And if that means spending the holidays without her and the rest of the family...so be it. 

I am glad I have my two daughters.  They bring joy to my life.  I am also glad that I have my "sister" to spend time with.  She is the one person I can be honest with outside of therapy.  Dr. S is awesome and is really helping me.  Without her I don't know where I would be.  Thanks Dr.S for showing me I have a VOICE.  Thanks for showing me that I am strong and that's why I am still here... 

I am a SURVIVOR!

Liz (host)

First Post

Hello. This is the first post to my blog and I thought I would introduce myself and what this blog will be about. I will share my past for the FIRST TIME.  Before now I have not spoken of my horrific past.  I am a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I will write my thoughts and feelings on this blog.  Each time I write I will sign off with my name letting you know who wrote the blog.  
I am learning I have a VOICE and I can be SILENCED NO LONGER!
Liz (host)