A Revelation-Putting together a Puzzle

After a steady, two years of therapy with Doc and the alters, I have made a revelation.  Technically, it didn't take a total of two years since I've only been "out" for about 10 months but therapy is a continuous process and it takes therapy with the alters and myself for revelations to happen. 

Doc has always been a steady, positive person in my life for two years.  She keeps me on the path to the place I need to be.  She stands on the shore and calls out for me to swim hard to get to her, to see the revelation.  She always pushes me to be the best person I can be for myself, my children, and my alters.  Her encouraging words and positive attitude never falters.  Sometimes, she would say, "You just don't get it and I can't make you get it.  You have to want it for yourself.  You have to get it on your own!" 

I always understood her words.  I understood what she meant.  I could comprehend the sentences.  However, it never "clicked".  It was like she was giving me all these puzzle pieces and, separately, I understood everything she was saying.  And I couldn't figure out why Doc would say, "You don't get it.  You don't understand."  It was because the puzzle pieces weren't fitting together.  I could understand them separately but never fit them together. 

But last night I finally did!!  I put the puzzle pieces together and saw the WHOLE picture.  Everything she has been saying and pushing me towards made sense.  I got it!!

Due to our ritualistic sexual abuse as a child, we grew up thinking sex was how you should closeness, togetherness, intimacy, and love.  So, when we look for those characteristics in relationships, we look for sex.  All of those characteristics, closeness, love, togetherness, and intimacy, were lacking from our mother and family.  Those characteristics are what we always search for in relationships.  However, we attribute them to sex.  So when we married, we ended up marrying a sex addict because that's what we thought was normal and true love.  We thought by continuously having sex, we were showing our love and being close with our spouse.  However, this way of thinking is inaccurate and stems from our past.  It also continues the abuse. 

A true relationship, one that has closeness, love, intimacy, and togetherness, is NOT based on sex.  It is based on a mutual respect for each other.  It is based on sharing common interests and being able to talk with a person.  It is enjoying each others company and being with each other.  Something I never learned.  Something Doc was trying to teach me and push me toward understanding. 

Due to my inaccurate view of relationships, I need to work harder on building and establishing HEALTHY relationships.  I need to focus on developing and maintaining relationships based on shared interests not SEX.  By developing new healthy relationships, I can have the thing I have always longed for and missed-closeness, togetherness, love, trust, understanding, and intimacy.  These healthy friendships will lead to a deeper understanding of myself and help me heal.

My thought process has been distorted from my past.  The abuse caused the distorted view of sex and togetherness. 

This is NOT an immediate thing.  It will NOT be an immediate fix.  This is a process.  I have to start at the beginning and learn new skills.  I have to work forward and work toward a positive, healthy future.  This will be something different.  Something I've never had before. 

Before, I have felt like an alien in people's presence.  I felt different and as though I didn't fit in.  I didn't feel "normal".  I now don't care about that.  I am in this world for myself and I must heal.  This requires me to do things differently.  Be a different person than I have been in the past.  Look to the future with a different outlook.  Stop looking for sex as closeness and look for enjoyment in life. 

I do feel like a different person.  I have a new outlook on life.  I have a new perspective of life and relationships.  I am understanding more of what Doc has always been saying and pushing me toward.  I will "Make It Happen".  I will heal from the past and grow.  I will develop new and healthy relationships. 

"I got this!"

Jaz

A Cover-Up Exposed

The phone rings and a name from the past pops up.  It is my mom.  I answer but when I hear her voice I quickly hang up.  The phone rings again and again her name pops up.  This time I let the call go to voice mail.  Her message says she wants to talk to me and asks me if I am ok and what is going on with me.  Of course, I am NOT calling her back.  Why would she bother to call me.  She is suppose to be DEAD in my life.

The next day the phone rings and a name from the past pops up.  It is my mom's best friend.  I immediately get mad.  This is harassment.  They are calling and disturbing my life.  I let the call go to voice mail and listen to the message.  She states she has not talked to my mom in a long time and just wants to make sure she has my mom's correct number.  So I decide to call her back.

She answers the phone and I ask her what she wants.  She states she wants to make sure the number she has for my mom is the correct number.  So, I ask what number she has.  "Uh, um, uh...", she stumbles over her words.  "I don't know. I'll have to call you back to give you the number I have."  "No", I say.  "Here it is..."

She begins to want to chit-chat with me, digging for information, and I am very short with her.  She asks if I am mad at her and I ask "Do I have a reason to be?"

I ask her about my mom walking in on me being raped and not doing anything about it.  I ask her if it is normal to not turn in a child rapist. She states that my mom did turn in the child rapist and that the police were involved and I saw a psychologist.  I told her that the police report says parent states child is lying and parent is uncooperative.  She says that some police men are lazy and just don't want to do their job.  She said my mom loved me and did everything she could do this one time.

I asked her about the church cover up.  She states that if my mom was part of the cover up with the church she, my mom's friend, was unaware.  My mom's friend states "So, you are telling me it happened more than once with this man and with other men," I say, "Yes, that is what I am telling you." She said, "Oh..."

I asked her about my mom's last boyfriend and the physical and sexual abuse that I was  exposed to by him while my mom watched.  She said, "Oh I had no idea.  I would have came and got you and protected you.  I am so sorry."  "It's too late for sorry," I say. 

She said, "But at that time you were running away from home and sneaking out at night."
"Oh....so that's a reason to be beaten naked with a two by four, cords, belts, or whatever is around??.  I didn't realize that." I say. 

She tells me that I should forgive my mom.  She says that her father abused her and her mother knew and she gave it to God and has forgiven her mother and father.

I tell her that I have given up everything to God and I am being blessed and the happiest I have ever been.  But I do not have to forgive or forget what my mom did to me.  I told her that my mother suffers EVERYDAY and is in pain EVERYDAY just like I suffered EVERYDAY during my childhood.

She states, "You don't want to do that.  You don't want to push her out of your life. When she dies you will miss her."

I said "FUCK HER! She isn't worth my time or my breath. She sold me out.  She knew about all the abuse and did nothing.   She sold me. Fuck her!"
I tell her, "Next time you talk to my mom and you tell her everything I said, tell her I will spit on her grave the way she spits on her daddy's grave. Fuck her!  She is suffering and I am living!"

I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore and I hung up.  


I feel so good.  I feel so strong!!!
I am so proud of myself for standing up for us and talking to her.
It was important for me.  Even though I didn't talk to my mom, it felt like I was talking to her.
I felt empowered. I still feel great!
I opened up and spoke up.
I spoke up for the alters and for myself.

Jaz

                                               *~*~*~*~*~*UPDATE*~*~*~*~*~*~*
                                                       (MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS)

That night Jillian showed me what happened the day Vickie, our mother, walked in on Jillian being raped by that man.
Jillian was laying down and was being raped with an object. She isn't sure what the object was but it hurt her and felt pointy.  She can see it being pulled out of her while she is crying and laying there.  It looks like a triangle.  She begins to bleed from her vagina.  The blood is bright red.  The man turns his attention to someone behind him.  Jillian turns her head in the same direction and sees Vickie.  The man and Vickie speak but Jillian can't make out what they are saying.  Jillian looks back down at her vagina and she is still bleeding.  Vickie comes over and places paper towels between Jillian's legs, pulls her dress down, and carries Jillian out.
At home, two doors down, Vickie continues to doctor Jillian.  She is on the phone with people. That is the only thing Jillian shows me.

Goodbye

Dear Vickie,

I am constantly haunted with wishes of "normalcy".  I am constantly wishing for a mother that loves me and cares for me unconditionally.  I am constantly wishing for a mother I can call on and tell about my day, good or bad.  I am wishing for a mother that will hold me and tell me everything will be ok.  I am wishing for a mother that wants me.  I am wishing for a mother's love. 

But I am wishing for something that has never existed and for something that will never exist. I am wishing for things that a child wants because I missed out on them as a child.   I am wishing for these things and missing out on my current life. I can't wish and long for a mother's love any longer.  I must be my own mother.  I must mother my own children. 
 
You could never be what I want.  You could never offer me what I need.  Why I think that you could now and couldn't when I was a child is crazy.  You  could never support me the way I need it.  You are not what I need. 

In my eyes, you are dead.  Your kidney disease has already killed you.  You are buried and dead-6 feet under.  Since you are dead, there is no reason to wish for your love.  I can't have it. You can't give it.  You are gone.


Therefore, I must tell you good bye. 

Good bye Vickie. 
Good bye to my wishes for a mother.
Good bye to my childhood. 
Good bye to the mother you NEVER were. 
Good bye to the mother you NEVER could have been. 
Good bye to the love I wanted from you. 
Good bye to the love you never gave me.
Good bye to my mourning you. 
Good bye to my tears. 
Good bye to my sadness. 
Good bye to my image of a mother.



Good bye forever. 

Jaz

Noise

Why tonight of all nights is there so much noise?

I can hear so many people talking. It's confusing. I can't make out voices but I can see everyone in the house. There is so much talking I can't make out what is being said.

I know there is debate going on about who is in control inside. I know they aren't fighting. Just discussing. Which is good.

I don't want to hear it though. It's so confusing and tiring. I just want to lay down at 6PM.

Night,

Jaz

Adoption

So as Jaz I have no memory of having my children.  I don't remember being pregnant with them or giving birth to them.  Nor do I remember them growing up until, perhaps, a year ago.  Stephanie holds these memories.  It is very difficult to be attached to them because of this.

I never liked kids.  They were annoying and drove me crazy.  I couldn't stand whining and complaining.  I couldn't stand to hear children constantly ask for things.  I couldn't stand it.

Then I became the host, out all of the time, and had to deal with children that called me mommy and wanted something from me all the time.  It was hard.

People told me I was lucky.  I may not have a family that consists of MY mother and father but I have my own children that I can make new memories with and start my own, NEW family.  However, people just didn't understand that I didn't bond with my children.  I didn't feel that way.

It hurt me deeply that I felt this way about these children.  I knew they loved me and I felt I should love them but I just didn't know how.  I was having a mini "pity party".

The only person that knew any of these feelings were Doc.  I was too scared to share them with anyone else.  I was scared that something might happen to the children.  What if someone took them away? I couldn't let that happen....

Doc finally explained it in a way that made sense to me and got me thinking.  True that I may not remember pregnancy and birth but there are mothers that don't go through pregnancy and childbirth.  They adopt children.  So I need to think of myself as adopting my own children. 

Well, to me, that made perfect sense.  I may not have those memories but that doesn't mean I can't LEARN to love them.

So, I did my best.  I began really working towards getting to know them as individuals. Getting to know their strengths and weaknesses.  I wanted to know everything about them.  I wanted to spend time with them.  I wanted to be with them and love them for who they are. 

Over time it began to work.  I am learning that, although my memories are not there, I can love them anyway.  I can make new memories with them and show them that I love and care for them like no one else in the world can.

I can show them a MOTHER'S LOVE!!

Jaz

Father's Day

What does Father's Day mean to me?

I wrote about Mother's Day and how it affects me.  However, Father's Day doesn't affect me the same way.

As a child that grew up in an abusive home, I blame my mother for the abuse that was done to me.  She is the one that allowed it to happen.  She is the one that sold me.  She is the one that didn't protect me.

But what about my father?  What do I blame him for?

I don't blame him for anything.  I have never seen my biological father.  Not even in a photograph.  I do not know what he looks like, sounds like, walks like, etc.  He could be standing next to me in a grocery store and I would never know.  This is all my mother's doing. She did not tell him about me.  She did not tell him that I was alive until I was 17.

Could things have been different?

As a teenager, I would fantasize about my father coming and taking me from the abuse.  I would yell out at my mother and her boyfriends how if my father was around, he wouldn't let any of this bad stuff happen.

Fantasy?

Perhaps I was living in a fantasy world.  Perhaps if he would have known about me sooner, he would have wanted something to do with me.  Because once she asked him for child support, when I was 17, he could have had something to do with me but he didn't.

Celebrating?

I never celebrated Father's Day before.  I didn't have a father to celebrate with and I definitely wasn't celebrating with the abusers.  So, this year I decided to make a new tradition. I would celebrate.  I would celebrate my life.  Celebrate me.  I went shopping and bought myself presents for Father's Day.  It was wonderful.  This will definitely be a new tradition for myself.
Shopping, Ice cream, and dinner. 

I hope that you did something fun this Father's Day.  Whether it was for someone else or for yourself.

Jaz

Happy Mother's Day

Today is a day to celebrate the mother that you have in your life.
Today is a day to celebrate the mother that loves and cherishes you.
Today is a day to celebrate the mother that comforts you when you are sad.
Today is a day to celebrate the mother that you can turn to in your time of need.
Today is a day to celebrate the mother that doesn't hurt you.
Today is a day to celebrate the mother in your life....
What about those of us that don't have a mother in our lives because of abuse?

Today is my first Mother's Day without my "mother".  This is my first year that I have been "out" to accept the fact that my "mother" was an evil person.  I have not talked to her in almost a year.  She has called but I refuse to talk to her.  She does not deserve my time.  So what do I celebrate today?

I celebrate MYSELF!! 
I am an amazing person.
I am a survivor.
I am an amazing mother.
I am my own mother.
I am a gift on earth.
I am great.
I am worth living.
I am worth getting to know.
I am strong.
I am a fighter.
I am a great friend.
I am honest.
I am courageous.
I am loving.
I am compassionate.
I am capable.
I am beautiful.
I am intelligent.
I am a mother.
I am wonderful.
I am ME!

Thank you to the higher power for making me who I am today.
Thank you to the higher power for giving me what I have today.
Thank you to the higher power for giving me the opportunities I have.
Thank you to the higher power for allowing me to live.
Thank you to the higher power for making me strong.
Thank you to the higher power.....

Happy Mother's Day to all of you that celebrate YOURSELVES on this wonderful day!!
Be good to yourself!!

Jaz

Nightmares

Last night I received a message from a an old friend's mom.  She told me how she loved me like a daughter always and how she was so proud of me. This really touched me.  I have never heard these words from my mom before. 
I began to cry.  I couldn't stop crying.  I was sobbing and hated my mom in that instant.  I hated the fact that I will NEVER have a mother that loves and cares for me.  I will NEVER know that bond between a mother and a child, on the child end. 
After crying and talking to Doc, I tried to go to sleep but nightmares haunted my sleep.  I would be dreaming about abuse and, right before I was hit or raped, I would be jolted out of my sleep. Sitting straight up in the bed.  It was like the pain from the nightmare caused me to wake up.  I couldn't sleep.
Eventually my youngest daughter came and got in the bed with me.  When she did, my dreams changed to positive dreams.  I began to dream that I was part of a family and I was loved.  I knew the family and they accepted me for who I am loved me unconditionally.  It was a great dream that lasted about 30 minutes.  However, today I am still exhausted.  I only got around 3 hours of sleep last night.  
Doc says that there are women that want and need daughters and I will find someone that loves and cares for me unconditionally.  I am hoping she is right.  Although, at times I am skeptical.  But I guess this comes from my abusive past.  I was raised thinking no one would ever love me.  It will take a lot of thought process changing to show me that there are people with unconditional love. 
Hoping that I can continue on my road to recovery and succeed in life!

Jaz

Positive

Since my hospital visit I have been focusing on the positive. I have trying to change my thought patterns by focusing on only the good and the here and now. So far it seems to be working.

As of May 1st I have received very good news and I am very hopefully about my future.

I know that if I could survive my past ,I can survive my present. I have nothing to be sad or depressed about. I have no reason to doubt myself or the outcome of my future. My future looks. bright. I'm loving life!

Negative thoughts produce negatives actions.
Positive thoughts produce positive actions.

Let's stay positive!!!!

Jaz

Buying for Alters

I have heard others talk about buying things for their alters to play with or things for them to do.  I have never done this before.  At least not bought something SPECIFIC for an alter.  So, I went to the store for the alters. 

For Jillian, I bought a pacifier.  I found out that a pacifier soothes her.  The constant pressure and sucking calms her nerves.

For Julie, I bought a coloring book.  She loves to color but has no coloring book of her own. She likes to color and give her pictures to Doc.

For Jackie, I bought a toy.  It was a little remote control car with a "My Little Pony" to go with it.  Jackie hasn't used her car yet.  She is upset about that. I promised her tomorrow she could use it and play all day.

Of course they all were with me and picked out what they wanted. Jackie was the most difficult.  She looked and looked around the toy aisle for about 30 minutes until we were able to find something she wanted.  (I'm sure people thought I was crazy talking to "myself" walking around.)

They were very excited to go and get something that is their very own.  It was a very interesting experience.


UPDATE!!! May 1, 2012
Jackie was able to play with her toy car last night.  She thoroughly enjoyed it.  I gave her 10 minutes and then told her she had to put it up.  She whined and didn't want to but I reminded her that if she did it, Doc and I would be so proud of her and she would get to come out more for playing and having fun.  She agreed and when we switched back it was like we got stuck.  I was out but she was still controlling me.  I told her to let go that it would be ok and she would get time out again.  She finally let go and we fully switched.  
 It was an interesting experience; since, this is the first time I had let an alter out to "play" with a toy that was their own.  
Just to know how happy it made her, made me want to work better with the system. 

Hobby??

Part of my therapy is finding myself a hobby.  Why?  Because I get bored easily.  I always say there is NOTHING to do.  I go online and look around but I do it out of boredom.  So what can I do for a hobby?

These are the ideas I have been given so far:

• Calligraphy (Sounds interesting)
• Gardening (Don't know if I have a green thumb ...Jackie does NOT...and this cost money)
• Couponing (I forget to take them with me. Then get mad because I have paper all of the place)
• Pen Pals (I would do "epal" but not give out my home address)
• Reading (Not my most favorite thing to do...but I did start reading a book with Doc)
• Paint by Number (Sounds ok...I guess)
• Cross Stitch (Doesn't sound like fun)

I am looking for something that doesn't cost a lot of money and is fun to do.

Any ideas?

My Saving Grace....

Another song by Mariah Carey that inspires me....
Amazing Lyrics...

My Saving Grace  (click on link to open video in YouTube)
by Mariah Carey

"...I've loved a lot, hurt a lot
Been burned a lot in my life and times
Spent precious years wrapped up in fear
With no end in sight
Until my saving grace shined on me
Until my saving grace set me free..."

"... Yes, I've been bruised
Grew up confused
Been destitute
I've seen life from many sides
Been stigmatized
Been black and white
Felt inferior inside..."

"... Giving me peace
Giving me strength when I'd
Almost lost it all
Catching my every fall
I still exist because you keep me safe
I found my saving grace within you
And the bountiful things that you do
Lord thank you
For delivering me..."

A Hospital Visit

 Switching and Depression have been occurring a lot lately.  I could not figure out why. 

• Why is an alter so depressed?
• What is your trigger?
• Why do you want out now?
• Why must you hurt yourself when you come out?

None of these questions were being answered.  The alter, Jillian, just wanted out and wanted to cut to relieve tension, anxiety, fear, and pain. She is bombarding me.  Not switching the way we all switch.  We all go into the foyer, and the person that is out leaves and switches with the person in the foyer.  However, Jillian is running through the foyer and pushing me out of the way.  Bombarding me with switching.  Then she will block off the door so I can't switch back.  This is tiresome and hurtful to the system.

Thursday I was fighting with her all day and she won.  She came out and cut our arms again.  Retracing the words HELP and HATE, along with just slicing at the arm to make cuts.  I had to make a decision.  She had to realize that her actions have consequences.  I made a decision to admit myself into the hospital. 

I went to the hospital and told them about her and the cutting. I told them that if I went home, the cutting would continue.  So, I stayed in the hospital.  It was DEVASTATING to the system. 

There was only a bed in the room.  There was no phone, no visitors allowed, no restroom, nothing.  Only four walls and a bed.  My only options were which wall I was going to face. 

I went almost 48 hours with no medicine.  They wouldn't give me anything in my purse.  About half way through the stay, they told me I had to switch gowns from a cloth gown to a paper gown.  This paper gown made me feel naked.  There were only men in the ward watching each room.  Julie, a child alter, came out and began to think she was going to get raped.  I had a panic attack on the bed in the room.  They refused to give me anything to help me or her.


They continuously asked me if I was hearing voices.  The doctor did not believe in Dissociative Identity Disorder, DID.  He told me that I didn't need medicine because they had too many side effects and then he would have to prescribe medicine for the side effects.  He told me that my panic attacks and feelings were normal and I could just work through them. 

I told him that I wanted to go home.  Jillian was no longer a danger to us.  That Jillian would not cut herself any more.  She has seen her actions have consequences and is more willing to get help and not act out in such a negative way. 

While I was in the psych ward, I talked a lot with Jillian.  I told her I was sorry for talking down to her.  I told her that I was sorry for being ugly to her and not respecting her feelings.  We had a long discussion and I think we will work better together now.  I think we have gotten to know one another. 

Today, I was in the gas station and sitting all alone on a shelf was a pack of 100 single razor blades.  The box was open and there was one on top of the box.  Jillian said, "Just grab one.  We can put it in our pocket."  I reminded her of the hospital and the consequences she will have to deal with if she cuts again.  She decided that she didn't want to go there again.  And she agreed with me that the razor blades were a bad idea. That is a positive step.  :-)

I am hoping and praying that we will be able to work together now and not having anymore cutting incidents.  She has seen the hospital and doesn't want to go back.  (Neither do I but I will if that is the only way we can be safe.)  I promise her that I will continue to talk nicely to her and respect her feelings, as long as she respects the system and does no more cutting.  She has signed a no self harm agreement today. 

Hoping and Praying this works!!

Jaz

What is wrong with me?

Why am I still so depressed?
I am so down in the dumps.
Again, fighting alters.

Sitting in class pretending I'm ok.
I hate this feeling.

I have got to get out of the past and into the present.
Currently there is nothing for me to be sad or depressed about.
My present life is going well.
So what's wrong?

Are the alters upset thinking I'm going to forget about them?
Do they think that if I am happy, the past is discounted?

I suffered abuse in the past too but it's time to live in the present.
I can't let the alters affect me anymore. I must be strong.

Fighting my urge to drink and run from my feelings.
I want to so bad.
I know I shouldn't.
I must remain strong and fight.

I'm a fighter!
I'm a survivor!
I will succeed!
I will thrive!

Triggers

Fighting switching tonight...Oh how quickly things change.

I leaned a weird way and an alter came. The little one Was having memories of rape in the shower. He was making her bend over and raping her over and over.

"I did not want it but Jackie makes people think she wants it", Julie said.

So now Julie is scared and wants out to handle her feelings. I keep telling her to trust me. It's ok. There is no reason to come out. There is no threat of rape or any other abuse.
I will take care of her. I got this. But she wants out. She wants to see doc. She wants help. She wants to feel safe and she doesn't feel safe inside right now.

That's it! When they don't feel safe inside, they want out to control the situation. Maybe they feel they need to save me from danger. But there is no longer danger. There is no danger of abuse.

They must believe and listen to me. I need control to handle the situation. Not a child alter. I have to deal with this.

She wants to spend another night in the closet, Safe and sound.

Help me...I don't want to switch. But I think the switch is imminent.

I'm Gonna Make it Happen...

Make It Happen....  (click to access YouTube video)
by Mariah Carey

I listened to this song for the first time in a LONG time.  It really touched me and made me stronger. 

"...I often cried myself to sleep
But still I had to keep on going
Never knowing if I could take it
If I would make it through the night..."

"...If you believe in yourself enough
And know what you want
You're gonna make it happen
Make it happen
And if you get down on your knees at night
And pray to the Lord
He's gonna make it happen
Make it happen..."

"... I know life can be so tough
And you feel like giving up
But you must be strong
Baby just hold on
You'll never find the answers
If you throw your life away
I used to feel the way you do
Still I had to keep on going
Never knowing if I could take it
If I would make it through the night..."

I'm going to make this happen...

Call from the Past

Sitting in therapy my phone rings.  I look down to see who is calling, and it's like a ghost is calling me.  My phone says "Momma Calling."  My immediate thought...."I didn't even know I had her phone number." My second thought...."What the hell does she want? Why is she calling me?"

Doc says not to answer. Just wait and see if she leaves a voice mail message.  Well, she doesn't leave a message.  20 minutes go by and it's time to go but that phone call is bugging me.  I want to know:

• Why she was calling?  
• Who does she think she is? 
• What does she want?
• Is this my time to yell at her?
• Should I confront her?
• Should I call her back?
• Did she find out I broke silence and told my family?
• Is she going to say something to me about the past?

Well, I made a decision.  I was calling her.  Doc said I had to call during therapy.  Not at home alone. First, I called my uncle to see if she had called him.  He didn't answer.  "Screw it!," I thought.  "Who cares what she knows." She doesn't control me anymore.  What the hell can she do to me?  I am grown and she is dying a slow, painful death of kidney failure.  So I hit the callback button.

It rings.  Once, Twice, Three, Four times.  Doc says, "She ain't going to answer you now.  She is going to do a power play and make you wait."  "No," I say. "She will answer." Fifth ring and I hear background noise and "hello".  The background noise is a trigger.  It IMMEDIATELY sends me back to my childhood.  I am sitting in an apartment all alone at 2am.  I call "The Silver Fox".  I don't have to look up the number.  I know the number by heart because I call it so much.  I call, I hear background noise, and the bartender says, "Silver Fox".  I ask for my mom and the bartender yells, "Vickie, it's your kid again."  "What do you want," my mom asks. "I want you to come home.  It's late and I'm scared, " I say.  "Oh, leave me alone.  I'll come home later." And the phone goes dead. 

"Hello", she says again.  I am shaken from my past. I know she is sitting in a bar.
 "Hello?", I say.
"HEY!", she says.  (like we are best friends)
"You called me?"
"Yes, I did"
"What do you need?"
"I want to know if I can come see you and the girls.  I miss you."
"Are you drunk?"  (She is taken back by this question.  Her tone changes.)
"Well, as a matter of fact, yes I am. Can I come see you?"
"NO!! I told you to never contact me or my family again. That's what I meant!" I yell into the phone. And then I hang up.

I am shaking and mad.  At the same time I feel strength.  I did it!! I called her back.  I stood up to her.  I confronted her. I was strong and she thought I would be weak. I am smiling and laughing.  It felt GREAT!!

There is so much that I wish now that I would have said before I hung up.  I wanted to say:

• Why did you do what you did?
• Did you think I wouldn't remember?
• Do you know how you have screwed my life up?
• Why did you let those men fuck me?
• Why did you beat me?
• Why were you a drunk?
• Did you EVER care about me?
• You thought I wouldn't remember.
• They told you I would probably never remember.  But guess what?!?!
• I know now BITCH! 
• I know what you did to me!
• And I am furious!!!

 I might not ever get to ask any of those questions before she dies.  And even if i ask those questions, I am not expecting her to acknowledge one single thing that she did to me.

But there can be NO regrets. I do not regret hanging up on her and not saying anything else about it.  I got in the last word.  She knows I am furious and she KNOWS that I KNOW.  She may not admit it but she KNOWS that I KNOW.  That is why she was sitting on a bar stool at a bar drunk.

She knows she did wrong.  She may or may not regret what she did to me.  But I can't let that affect me in my present life.  I must live MY life to the fullest.  With NO regrets and NO looking back.  I am crossing my bridge one baby step at a time.   And that phone call allowed me to take a leap onto my bridge to my healing process.

"Spread your wings and prepare to fly, butterfly!"
Jaz

Am I like you?

I am confused about something I hear a lot.  I hear "She (someone with DID) is just like us (someone without DID).  We (someone without DID) have child parts and rebellious parts.  We (someone without DID) have parts that contradict each other.  We (someone without DID) just didn't develop them into separate people like she (someone with DID) did."  
This confuses me and I do NOT like to hear this stated.  But I think when someone says, "The person with DID is like us,"  makes people think "so, the voice I hear could be an alter, someone else talking to me?" Especially when it is stated in a group where people have been previously abused.  It is a BIG pet peeve of mine. It actually pisses me off. 

I think this is my pet peeve because I feel like it discounts me as a person with DID, and I feel that others believe they may have DID too because they think we are similar. 

I do not know what life is like a for a "singleton".  I do not know how their brain works.  (I'm not sure I understand how my own brain works.  Nor do I pretend I understand.)  I am not sure what a "monologue" in a "normal" brain sounds like.


In my mind I don't hear a "monologue".  I hear a bunch of noise, different voices and commotion.  There is not a "monologue" guiding me or leading me around.  There are many different voices I hear, must decipher who is speaking, and what their motive is for speaking.

Are we (people with DID) like "singletons" (someone without DID)? No, I don't believe we are.  I believe that we are different than "singletons".  Our brain functions differently than a "singleton's" brain functions.  Our brain has allowed us to do something different.  It allowed us to take our abuse and "give it to someone else" (an alter), so we did not have to feel or remember it.


Since our brain functions differently, we can't say "She is just like us, except she has separate people."  That would be like saying a Volkswagen and a Ford are the same.  Well why not, they are both cars and take you from place to place.  But I bet the mechanic that had to work on the vehicles would dare to differ.  That the two vehicles are NOT the same.

If this is the case, then I am NOT just like you. I am ME and I am DIFFERENT.  My child parts suffered horrific abuse and are unable to see past that.  My child parts are actually children I SEE and have CONVERSATIONS with.  They are not just a child part that allows me to be silly at times.  They, and my other parts, are seen as REAL people. 



What are your thoughts on the situation?
Have you ever heard anyone state "Well, you're just like us, except you have different people?"
What were your thoughts/reactions?


Jaz

Crossing the bridge

"I can't make you do this, Jaz.  You must be willing to do it.  I can only bring you so close.  You must be willing to cross the bridge through the fire.  I will not promise you that it will not hurt.   It will hurt and you will feel.  But the other side is a wonderful place to be.  It is a place of peace, happiness, and healing.  I have helped bring you this far.  You have to make the decision.  Will you continue on and cross the bridge or will you stop and continue to live life as you have been?  Running from pain and not feeling.  Not being truly happy.  I can't help you anymore, if you don't cross the bridge.  There is no more I can do for you.  This is your decision.  What will you do?"

 

Well, I am willing to cross that bridge.  I will do everything in my power to cross it and go toward the side of healing.   I do not want to live the way I have been living.  I want to heal.  I trust you and I know that you will do everything in your power to help me.  I know that you will not let me fall.  You are the FIRST person my system learned to trust.  You have showed us the potential we have. I will do it.  I will cross the bridge.  But not for you.  For me.  I will do it for my system.  I will do it so that we may heal from the abuse and the past.  I want to be able to express my feelings "normally" without an alter coming to take the feelings from me.  I want to know what it means to be happy.  I want to LOVE, LIVE, and LAUGH without just going through the motions.  I will cross the bridge over that terrible and scary fire.  But not for you, for me and my system.  For healing and happiness and the chance of a "normal" and successful life.  I said a week ago when I dumped the alcohol I wasn't going back.  And I meant it.  I am not going back.  I am looking forward and taking it one step at a time.

I know you will continue to help me along my journey.  I appreciate you more than words or actions could every express.  

Let's work on this marathon, not sprint, together.  

Jaz

Depression

Why must I feel this way?
I am in pain inside.
I can't seem to break free.

There are so many insiders trying to pull me down.
They are fooling those on the outside.

I can't think.
I can't remember what happened yesterday.

Someone is taking over for me today.
Allowing me to go through the motions and pretend to be ok.

I am yelling on the inside to let me out.
I just want to be mad.

They aren't listening.
The door has been blocked and I can't get out.

I want to be set free.
I want out.

I think I could handle it if they would let me out.
Are they protecting me from feelings now?

They can't protect me by cutting.
That just injures the body and system more.

I allowed this to happen.
I listened to an alter that said she could take my pain away.

She came out and took a sharp object to the body.
Why am I back sliding?

I don't need protection.
I can handle my own.

Just let me out.
Just let me be free.

Sleepless Nights

I stay awake all night with nothing to do. I lay there with my eyes closed and try to sleep.  It just doesn't work.  Oftentimes, I play on my phone, and I play on the internet.  T.V. does not interest me in the least bit.  I can find mindless things to do with my time but my brain will not shut off to sleep.  Sometimes there is too much chatter in my brain.  Everyone is in the conference room and they are having discussions. 

Well after doing some research about DID and sleep it turns out I am normal.  Normal you say?  Yes, many people with DID suffer from insomnia.  So how do we go about dealing with it?

Doc suggested that I take my sleeping pills I was prescribed.  However, I don't have enough to take them every night.  So what else can I do?

Doc also suggested a night time routine to relax me, body, mind, and souls.  I am not the type of person to have a night time routine.  I do not "reflect" on my day or do deep processing of MY thoughts.  It's just not MY personality (no pun intended).  However, part of working on MY personality type (different from my personality within the system) is to become a more reflective person.  So why not give it a try?  If it will help, what do I have to lose?

So this is what I will try:

~I will play piano music to unwind.

~I will have the alters go into their rooms instead of being in the conference room or wandering around the house.

~I will reflect on what I have done that day by keeping a journal.  Discussing what went well and what didn't. 

~If something didn't go well, I will make a plan of how to help myself the next time it happens.  

~I will find a safe place to be when I become to overwhelmed.  A place that no one else may enter
~I have something to sleep with already.  I will continue to use this. 


Changing your routines, thoughts, and actions require intense treatment and dedication.  It will not be easy.  It will be hard.  But when was the last thing that was worth your time and energy easy?  Everything that requires a change will be hard.  But just RELAX and take time to yourself.

Jazz

What is it about weekends?

My system seems to go haywire on Fridays.  It doesn't begin to work together until around Monday.  Doc has been saying this for a while now.  "I don't know what it is about weekends," she would say.  "Something happens.  What is your trigger?"  My response "I don't know..."

Tonight, Ty DEMANDED therapy time.  Stating he wanted his own time and he wanted to change his destructive ways.  My alters come and go quickly on the weekends.  They begin to need to talk to Doc, and they need comforting.  The alters get scared and some become demanding and vulgar.   

This always left me feeling like I was some how failing in some way.  What could it be about the weekends?  Why do I have such problems with the alters on the weekends?  How do I find the trigger that messes up the weekends?

I used to think it was because I would work all week and stay busy until the weekend.  That is when I had more time to myself, the system, and more time to think.  However, I am not working now and the weekends are still the biggest issue.  Then it hit me.....

What if the system goes haywire on Fridays because the system is scared of the weekend?  What if that was the time we were most vulnerable to sexual acts and prostitution?  This makes sense.

Although this is pure speculation about my system, it fits together.  Most adults are free over the weekend; so this would be PRIME time to prostitute your child.  This is when most men would be interested and would be available. 

Could this be the true reason for my system failure on the weekends?

Jazz
Double Z Doc....  :-)

New Feeling

What is this new feeling that I feel?

I get ANGRY and yell. 
I can't control these strong feelings. 



They take over my system.
They take over my life.




But, What is this new feeling that I feel?

I am the one that speaks the truth.
I am the one that stands up.

I don't let others run over me.
I am strong and tough.

But, What is this new feeling that I feel?



What are these things running down my face?
They wet my cheeks and make me shake.

They blur my eyes
And make me feel weak.



 What is this new feeling that I feel?

 It scares me
And makes me feel weak.

I don't want to be vulnerable.
I don't want to be in that position.

What is this new feeling that I feel?

The alters wait at the foyer.
They are waiting for me to run.



They are waiting for
Their chance to come out.





What is this new feeling that I feel?



But, today is
A different day.


Today I will not run from this feeling.
Today I will stand firm.



 SADNESS will not make me run any longer.  

Jaz

"Ty"

Ty,

Why must you come and haunt me?
Don't you know all the trouble you cause?

You linger too long
And say too much.

You cause me grief
And cause me pain.

Do you know the system in which you live?

You look at the wrong things.
You crave what you should not.

When you come,
There is fear amongst all.

Do you know the system in which you live?

Jaz

Living in Denial...Jackie

Jackie is an alter that acts very much like her mother.  "Doc" says she might be a sociopath like her mother.

Jackie states that life wasn't hard for her.  She denies DID and denies her past.  She says her mother was a blessing and she looks up to her mother.  Jackie loves and misses her mother.  Why must she deny what is right in front of her face? Why must she deny HER own past of laying with men and trying to seduce men?  Jackie never had sex with men.  That's what other alters, Julie and Jillian, were for.  However, Jackie did watch them being raped.  Why must she deny that?

Is living in denial appropriate for her?  It is probably how she survived her horrific past.  If she believed she was loved and cherished by her mother, then her mother knew best.  Her mother would always tell her, "I know what is best for you. I am your mother."

In a DID system alters were "born" for purposes.  Her purpose was to seduce the men. However, she could not handle the touching, licking, and raping so we developed other alters to take this abuse.  She just showed men "a good time" and got them "ready" for sex. However, she did not see herself like that.  She sees herself as a "woman" (she is really a 5 year old child) that needs men to live.  She does not care about any one but herself and her feelings. Why does she deny HER own past?

She is fully aware that Julie and Jillian are scared of men and can't be around men.  She is fully aware of their past.  However, she only cares about herself.  She constantly wants a man to hug and love on.  She does not see anything wrong with loving on a man because "nothing happens."

If she has seen the raping of the other alters, why must she constantly want a man around?  Even a man that has raped "the little ones" before.  She only cares for herself. 

As the alter that is "out" all of the time, I must deal with Jackie constantly.  Liz couldn't handle her.  She was able to control Liz but she can't control me.  She still tries to manipulate me.  However, I am smarter than that.  She can't fool me.

Why must she live in denial? Is it easier than dealing with the truth?

 Jaz

My DID System

Liz said she would describe how our DID system works and functions.  No DID system works the same.  You must be willing to work with your system and find what works the best.  Since we have been in therapy, we have added various parts to our system to help it function better.  Here is an overview of my system.

We all live in a "house" together.  Each alter has his/her own room.  There is an upstairs and a downstairs to the house.  Inside the house we have a conference room, which is downstairs, that we use when we need to all get together and discuss various issues.  There is also a foyer that leads to "Being Out".

When an alter is not "out", the alter can be various places within the system.  The alter can go inside his/her room or wander around the house.  If the alter is inside his/her room, he/she does not know what is going on in the outside world.  Therefore, the alter is not "co-conscious". 

If an alter chooses, he/she can be inside the house to wander.  This alter may/may not be listening to the outside world.  If he/she is NOT listening to the outside world, then he/she isn't "co-conscious".  If he/she IS listening to the outside world or communicating with the alter that is out, then he/she IS "co-conscious". 

The conference room is used to communicate with many alters at one time.  Since working with "Doc", this has been established.  We use this room when there are issues to discuss.  This is where alters can come and talk.  There are many advantages to having this conference room.  We can work together to solve issues.  Everyone is able to talk and say what is on their minds or bothering them.  This is the place we can speak our minds to each other.

There is also a foyer.  The alter in the foyer IS "co-conscious".  This alter will be the next person that comes out when the alter that is currently out leaves.  Depending on the strength of the alter's feelings in the foyer, he/she may be able to push out the currently present person.  This is one thing I am working on diligently.  I am a pretty strong alter and have pretty strong feelings.  (Anger is a VERY strong feeling.)  However, sometimes I need help to control who is coming into the foyer and what they want.  There is no door on the foyer and no way to control who comes into the foyer.  This is something "Doc" wants me to work on.  When Liz was out, I would stay in the foyer and help control who was there.  However, now that I am out, Liz is hanging out in the conference room and there is no one in the foyer.  Only one person can be in the foyer at a time and this person will be the next person out.

When an alter is "out", they are standing at the doorway.  Depending on who the alter is, they can turn around and see inside the foyer and house.  They may be able to hear others in the foyer and in the house.  Therefore, since I am currently "out", I am standing in the doorway.  There is no one in the foyer.  This can be hazardous, since anyone can come into the foyer now.

I hope this helps explain some parts of MY DID system.  Remember all DID systems function differently.
If you have any questions, don't hesitate to leave a comment! I would be glad explain anything or answer any questions. 

Jaz

Jazmine

My host, Liz, has not been out in the world much.  She doesn't understand the way things work.  She is very naive to the ways of the world.  Even though she is an adult, she is very naive and gullible.  Due to this, we have decided to make a switch in the system.  I, Jazmine, will be out from now on.  So, I would like to introduce myself.

I am the one that harbors angry feelings.  I would come out when there was a threatening situation, and I would handle it.  I also took the brunt of the physical abuse.  I would be around to be beaten by cords, two by fours, or whatever was around.  I would take the slaps and hits.  I would also be given alcohol by my mother starting around the age of 6.  I would handle the "clean up" when Jillian would come out and cut herself.

I believed no one liked me because I am very blunt and say what is on my mind.  I do not sugar coat anything, and I am very straight forward.  My mother would tell me that no one liked me, and I shouldn't be around.  "Doc" is teaching me that I am worthy and I am needed in the system.

Since I have been out the system is doing better.  There has not been much switching, and I am trying to keep alters out of the foyer.  We are working on our "marathon" as "Doc" describes it but we are doing well now.

Jaz

Visiting

Today I went to my grandmother's house to visit with her.  This is the first time I have seen her since I broke my silence on February 4, 2012. 

I was so happy to see her but at the same time very nervous that my mother might show up at any minute.  I am not sure what I was so nervous about.  There isn't anything she could do to me now.  She is sick and dying and I am a STRONG WOMAN! However, the fear from Julie, a child alter, was still there.  I spent about 2 hours with my grandmother.  She told me how happy she was to see me.  She also told me that I look much happier than the last time she saw me. That made me feel good.  At least I know that by me telling I am happier on the outside as well as the inside.

We sat hand in hand while we ate lunch.  While I was driving she reached over and grabbed my hand to hold.  It was very sweet.  It let me know how much I was loved and how it feels to have someone that really, truly cares about you.

Liz

Breaking Silence

 

Abusers win by keeping us silent.  They gain their power when we are quiet.  We can gain that power by speaking out against the abuser and telling what happened to us.  If we don't speak out against them, we are never free.  No matter our age, how long it has been since the abuse happened, or even if the abusers are no longer living, we must speak out!! 

We must be Silenced No Longer!

I refuse to let the abusers win.  I want to win!! I want the power!! I don't want to live in fear any longer.

By speaking the truth I gain power against my abusers. Here is an overview of my story...

As a  child I grew up in a single parent home.  We, my mother and I, lived in the "bad" part of town.  We were in church every time the doors were open.   My mother didn't have a job until I was 5.  Even then she only made minimum wage, so there was never any money. What was a mother to do?  Well, she had an idea.  If I prostitute out my daughter, I can get cash, drugs, liquor, and places to stay.  So starting with high ranking people in church, she began to allow men to have sex with me.  She would send me to neighbor's houses at 9 or 10 at night to let the men do what they wished with me.  Laying on me, raping me, having oral sex, kissing me, telling me how good it feels, deep breathing in my ear, licking my neck....

When she found boyfriends, she allowed them to abuse me as well.  This ensured us a place to stay.  She would say that "We have no place to go.  I can't afford to move.  We have to stay here.  This is life." She did take me to see a therapist as a child because the police got involved.  However, she told me to lie to the police and tell them that nothing happened.  She also told me not to tell the therapist anything that was happening or I would die.  The police got involved three times that I know of and each time it was written off as a child that is lying.  The sexual, physical, and emotional abuse continued until I was 17. 


I, the host, am still working on being strong enough to have all of the horrific memories of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse.  What I have just described in brief, are memories that have been expressed to me through alters in therapy. 

I finally told someone....On February 4, 2012 I brought my grandma and my uncle to therapy and sat them down and told them what my mother did to me as a child.  They both broke down and cried.  They told me how STRONG I was for finally telling and how PROUD of me they are that I broke the silence.  I am so glad I did it.  It makes me feel STRONG and COURAGEOUS.

Liz

2012?! WOW!!

WOW!! Has it really been since last year that I've written anything down??
You will have to forgive me. Writing sometimes causes switching and others to come into the "foyer" of "our house". This isn't the best situation for me sometimes. So I prefer to stay away rather than deal with the ones that want to come out and make me lose time. (I will talk about how "our house" is set up in a later post.)

Well, this year is going well so far. I am on medical leave from work.  Although I won't be receiving a paycheck, and that stresses me, the relief of stress from work is greater. I thought that I would never get out of that job. I could NEVER see myself doing anything but that job.  Not because I liked it, because I couldn't find a way out. 

A very talented and smart woman, Dr. S., showed me that someone else chose that job for me and that I am smart and capable of doing anything I want to do.  Imagine someone in your life making you go to school for something you HATE and then you doing that job for the rest of your life.  It's like a death sentence to me.

Luckily, Dr. S is helping me find my JOY in life (as she calls it) and I am currently in school for a new profession!!  I am VERY excited about this.  I feel as though I am just beginning to live my life. I will keep you informed how things are going with school and my journey into my NEW LIFE!

While I am not ready to be set off on this new road alone, I am learning to WALK, not run, this journey I call a MARATHON.